10 Tips for Keeping Birthdays and Holidays Sane and Happy

The holidays can be especially difficult on the children of divorced

parents. Here are  strategies any family can follow to ensure

happy holidays.

1. Be Flexible
You need to be willing to change your plans in response to the unexpected. It might feel like you're always the one required to be flexible. Well, that's what collaboration is about. And where your children are concerned, the best present you can give your child is to head off conflict about having fun on special days like birthdays and holidays. The collaborative rule for you in this situation is adjust your agreements to fit your kid's needs.

2. Be Proactive and Plan Ahead
Your new family arrangements require much more planning than when everyone was living under the same roof. Plan your holiday times well in advance, too. Two months notice is not too much.

One way to avoid disappointment is to communicate early and often with the children and your ex. If it's hard to talk in person or by phone, use e-mail or even send a snail mail letter. Give your children's mom plenty of time to think about your proposals and to respond. And keep in mind that pushiness usually produces more resistance than cooperation.

3. Be Kind and Generous
Especially during holidays, keep any bitterness you still feel over the divorce between you and your ex. If you can't say anything nice, just smile. Avoid putting the children in the awkward position of taking sides. Be as generous as you can with your kids about their relationships with their ex and the rest of the family. Encourage them to talk about the gifts they received and activities they engaged in with other family members they see over the holidays. Children often feel that if they have a good time with one parent, it will hurt the other's feeling. Let them know they can show happiness with both parents. Help your children shop for the other parent, sibling, grandparent, or stepparent. Children want to give gifts to the people in their lives just as adults do. Younger children have limited funds and often feel very awkward about buying gifts for the first few years after the divorce. Make it easier on them by offering to take them shopping for a present for Mom or their siblings.

4. Keep Your Word
Be particularly careful to follow through on whatever promises you make related to the holidays. It's extra important to keep promises to your kids around holiday timesthe holidays are a big deal for kids. Try your best to hold your ex to her agreements, too. At the same time, don't be a complete control freak about it. If you make a federal case of keeping agreements no matter what, you'll eventually establish a reputation for being a jerk. And you'll be sorry when you need to ask your ex for some slack.

5. Include the Kids in Your Planning
Whenever it's reasonable, let your children help make the choices about when and where to celebrate the holidays, and with whom. But before asking their opinions, make it clear that all plans must be cleared with everybody involved. This will help teach your kids to be part of the collaboration between you and your ex. And if you end up not being with your children on a special day, let them help you plan a time when you can celebrate together. The input into the planning can mitigate disappointment about being apart from you on a birthday or important holiday.

6. Create Two Holidays or Birthdays
Having two holiday or birthday celebrations for the children--one at your house, one at Mom's--is often a positive solution for extended families. Just make sure that the plans you make are collaborative and that they are made well in advance. This arrangement reinforces for the kids that they have two homes and cements new family rituals and holiday customs. Don't worry about spoiling the children with too many celebrations (but see below for advice about spoiling them with too many gifts). More is better in this case, and they will be delighted with the double treat.

7. Avoid the Indulgence Trap
Okay, one more time. Many divorced parents, especially dads, are still reeling from their personal hurt and guilt over the divorce. They may be overwhelmed by these feelings and respond to the children's pain with too much money or too many gifts. Consider the following statement by Audre Lorde before falling into this trap: "I have no creative use for guilt, yours, or my own. Guilt is only another way of avoiding informed action, of buying time out of the pressing need to make clear choices, out of the approaching storm that can feed the earth as well as bend the trees."

8. Take Care of Yourself If You're Alone
Holiday time can trigger a resurgence of memories and melancholy feelings, especially if you are surrounded by couples and families. Your own birthday can trigger similar feelings, and these difficult feelings can be magnified if you are not with the children. As holidays or birthdays approach, if you know you're not going to get to see your kids be sure to make special plans for the day. Avoid being alone if you can. Visit a friend or relative, plan a short getaway vacation with friends, or consider helping someone less fortunate. Reach out to those children and adults who do not have family to care about them. There are plenty of people in worse shape than you and your family. If you give of your time or other resources during difficult times, you'll clearly learn the truth of the old homily that sometimes it's better to give than to receive.

9. Build New Family Traditions
Divorced parents, especially dads, often make the mistake of trying to duplicate exactly the pre-divorce family traditions. But you'll be much happier and more satisfied if you create your own traditions for your new family. Let the children share in the planning, and they will enjoy the new rituals even more. When Alejandro was divorced, he was alone for the first holiday season, so decided to spend Christmas with his sister and her family in Guadalajara. While there he learned that his sister's family still celebrated the season just as his parents had done when he was a young child. When he returned to his home in the U.S. he determined that he would introduce his own children to those customs the following Christmas. Before this he had not even noticed that he had simply gone along with his ex-wife's plans for the holidays. There was nothing wrong with the way they'd done it, but now he had the opportunity to share something with his own children that he had enjoyed as a child, and build new family traditions

10. Nurture Your Blended Family at the Holidays If you remarry or get into a committed relationship and your new partner has children, they will undoubtedly have their own ideas about how to celebrate holidays and birthdays. Discuss with your new partner ways that you can bring together the children from both sides of the family. Instead of imposing your own way of celebrating, get all the kids involved with planning what you'll do together and incorporating everyone's traditions, whether those involve special foods or other rituals. Ask questions and ask for suggestions from the kids. Engage them in creating rather than imposing a totally new tradition.

NEED HELP?  ASK NOW!

From time to time we all need help dealing with challenging family issues. If you feel stuck and would like some helpful advice regarding divorce, fatherhood, and/or other family issues, please submit your question and I will answer as soon as possible.

For advice email: paul@father.com.

Paul Mandelstein created the nonprofit Father Resource Network (www.father.com) in 1999 to help divorced fathers remain involved in their children ’s lives. A divorced father of three and grandfather of one,  he serves as chairman and executive director of the network and helps facilitate workshops and lectures focused on fatherhood in the 21st century.

Paul Mandelstein is a finalist for The Publishers Marketing Associations' Benjamin Franklin Award.

paul@father.com