Blog :: Ryan's Page

Three Minor Craigslist Adventures and Some Side-Tracking
The Eero Saarinen womb chair debacle is by far my most memorable Craigslist experience (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, read my Adventures in Garbage blog). I've bought and sold dozens of items on the site over the past year and 95% of the sales go off without a hitch. Here are three others that had...hitches?

1) September of last year, I needed to get a television. My landlord was kind enough to loan me his 19" TV until I could find one of my own and, considering I was strapped for cash after moving, it was my sole source of entertainment for a month. I figured he'd want it back sooner or later so I began my hunt for a new one. If I wanted to buy something new AND decent (something other than Magnavox or Sanyo or whatever other shitty brand Wal-Mart sells at "value price"), it would cost over $200 with shipping. To hell with that. So I consulted the mighty Craigslist gods and, after a few days of searching, found an ad for a 27" Panasonic TV for $50 in Queens. The guy seemed pretty legit, so I responded.

(Just to side-track for a moment, by "legit" I mean he had pictures of the TV and a coherent description of the features. I personally ignore any ads with grammatical errors and/or ridiculous claims. For example, stay away from

almost like neww telvision, barrly used!!11! you won't find bettter deal than this, it won't be here long//!! its a magnavox baby and its hella damn big! doesn't work sometimes, but if you can get passed that, its da shit. $300 in cash only

Call Bizzy Bee at 916-555-2975932. if my ho answers tell that bitch to shut the hell up and give me da phone

Peace biatch!

Don't bullshit a bullshitter. If you can't spell "the" correctly, I don't want to exchange goods with you. You are an idiot. Adding lots of exclamation points to your ad does not make it more enticing. Telling me there's no better deal than what you've got is also presumptuous and retarded. Go to hell.)

And back:

I didn't realize this at the time, but Queens is pretty damn big and the guy with the Panasonic TV was clear on the other side of it. After calling around, the best deal I could get on a town car that was willing to transport a TV roundtrip was $40 (including tip). But I figured that $90 for a 27" Panasonic still wasn't a bad deal so I went through with it.

He was a nice old man and it was clear he barely used the thing. It was maybe five years old but it looked pretty good. But when he turned it on to show me the picture, I noticed the tracking was funny at the top of the screen. There was a white line that distorted the top of the picture and sat there for a few seconds. After 20 seconds or so, the tracking fixed itself and it went away. When I asked him about it, the guy admitted that this was a problem but it always resolved itself after a few seconds and its never bothered him. At this point, I've already invested $40 in this television and I didn't want to leave empty-handed. After some thought, I gave him the $50 and took it home.

Long story short, the tracking was an issue. Sure it went away for a while, but that damn line would always come back a few minutes later and distort the screen. Not only that, but the colors were funny. There was a green blotch in the bottom left corner that became really apparent when the screen was white. My friends didn't seem to notice or care, but I did damn it, so something had to be done!
So I did what any asshole would do. I took a picture of it and put it back on Craigslist.

For $60.

I mentioned the tracking issue in the description, but I definitely sugar-coated it. If you're not an electronics snob, it probably isn't a big deal anyways. Someone eventually repsonded and took it off my hands for me. I'm technically out $30 when you factor in transportation costs, but I'm still kind of a dick for re-selling it for more. I ended up keeping my landlord's TV the entire time I lived there.

2) Fast-forward to May of this year. This time I'm preparing to move to my new place, which is up a very steep flight of stairs. Rather than renting a U-Haul with Diana and moving furniture out of two basement studios and up these stairs ourselves, we decided to suck it up and pay for a professional moving service. Plus, I've already had one U-Haul adventure...adventure....adventure....

[That was supposed to be me having a vivid flashback of my "U-Haul adventure." What U-Haul Adventure, you ask? Well let me tell you.]

When I first moved here, I needed furniture but I had no means of picking it up. Staples.com ships things for free when the purchase is over $50, but you can only get so much through Staples. Since my studio was down seven stairs and around a sharp corner with a low ceiling, there was no way I could have gotten a boxspring inside. My only alternative was to get a platform bed and the only place that has platform beds cheap was IKEA. SO I thought it would be a good idea to rent a U-Haul and drive to Hicksville (20 minutes) on the L.I.E. and Grand Central Parkway and get everything I could possibly dream of at IKEA in one fell swoop. Keep in mind, this was August. Summer. It's been 95 degrees every day with no clouds in the sky for weeks. But that day, the day I drive on one of the craziest highways I've ever seen with notoriously bad New York City drivers in a U-Haul with no rear view mirrors and an accelerator like a broken go-cart, is the day that it pours. Hard.

Long story short (again), we take a taxi to Jamaica, Queens to pick up the U-Haul, drive in the rain to Hicksville, load all our shit into the U-Haul, drive back to Astoria (home), get lost, drive around aimlessly, completely lose control of the van on an onramp (slightly denting the center divide), see our exit on the far right when we're on the far left, fly across three lanes of traffic kinda-sorta cautiously to make it, get home, unload all our stuff at our two separate studios, and then drive back to Jamaica to drop the damn thing off an hour late. They didn't find any damage to the front and we didn't tell them to look harder. NEVER EVER EVER drive a U-Haul in New York. With a capital "ever."

And back:

New apartment, steep stairs, don't want to move ourselves. There, we're up to speed. We wanted to buy all our heavy stuff before we moved so we didn't have to deal with carrying it. For me, that included a new TV (a new "for good" TV). I scoured Craigslist and did plenty of research before finding my baby.

As I mentioned in my last blog, I got a REALLY nice 36" Sony HD TV for $180 because the guy simply didn't have any room for it and no means to move it. So now it's our problem to move the damn thing (so much for avoiding moving heavy things).

This thing weighs 230 pounds and its roughly 3 ft tall and 3 ft. wide. Not only that, but it's incredibly front heavy. There is no graceful way to move this thing. This guy lived in Astoria so I figured hiring a towncar would at least be cheaper. On the phone, they quoted me at $14. Sweet. But when the car gets there, the driver sees the TV and decides it will "break his seat" and bails on us. Truth be told, the thing wouldn't have fit through the door, but there's no way a TV could have broken the seat. I'm 180 pounds and I'm not in danger of breaking a carseat (at least I hope not). Why would a TV? Asshole.

So I call every car service 411 can throw at me and finally find a company that has a van willing to take it. For $48. Ugh.

The guy helps us load and unload the behemoth (that alone was worth the $48 to me), but its up to Diana and I to take it down seven stairs and around a corner, into her apartment. Diana's a strong girl, but she was outmatched. I told her to imagine her only child trapped underneath it, hoping it would trigger some maternal instinct and have her carry the thing herself, but that didn't work (further proof that women are the weaker sex and that The Discovery Channel is full of shit). To make things worse, the sky's getting awfully cloudy and there's an 80% chance of rain that night. I don't know what we were thinking or how this didn't end up worse, but we practically slid the television down the concrete stairs SCREEN SIDE DOWN very slowly and shimmied it through the door. There are a few surface scratches on the area around the screen but absolutely no damage to the glass.

The movers mumbled and grumbled about carrying this thing around, but they got it up here. I'm already dreading the day that I have to move this thing again.

3) My new landlord (with the place up the steep stairs) said we could start moving in big pieces of furniture a week before we planned to be in, so Diana and I started hunting for couches and chairs. We found an ad posted by a girl from Astoria selling everything she owned before she had to move. These are usually the best deals since they just want to get rid of their furniture and don't really care about making money. Sure enough, she had some really nice furniture for reasonable prices, including an ad for two black leather arm chairs for $150.

$150 was a little steep for me, but Diana loved them and they were definitely very nice. Since she lived fairly close, we could at least go by and take a look at them. If we liked them and she was willing to wait until the next day, we could hire a Man With A Van and we'd pick them up. I responded to the ad:

I'm interested in taking a look. I live in Astoria but I would have to arrange for a van to help me with these if I liked them. When are you available to show me? Thank you.

Rob

She wrote back in about an hour:

Thursday Rob, if that works for you [It was Tuesday]. I have someone coming over to get my AC at 6:30pm. If you could come over to look then, and you want them, you can pay for them with receipt and arrange for someone to help you pick them up on Saturday or the following week after 6:30pm.

Let me know...
Megan

Perfect! And awwww, her name is Megan. I bet she's like a little puppy. If she was trustworthy enough, I would definitely pay half then and reserve the chairs so I could pick them up later. I was happy that she was willing to work with me. She of all people knows how hectic moving can be!

And you know what? To hell with this look-at-them-first-then-hire-a-van-later business!

Hey Megan,

I think 6:30 on Thursday works fine. If they're what we think they are, I'd have no problem taking them off your hands that day. We'll do what we can to arrange a van service. How much are you asking for the carpet as well?

Thanks,
Rob

Ah yes, there was a white shaggy carpet in the pictures that she mentioned she wanted to get rid of as well but she never mentioned a price. They complemented the chairs nicely and, once again, Diana really liked it.
And hey, it's hard to move in New York! We'll help you out, Megan! She responds:

The carpet is 50, it needs a good vacuum. But otherwise it is cool. It sheds a bit, so you would need to own a vacuum. (being up front)
I lowered the price a bit because of the shedding and a small bleach stain I just put on it while trying to clean an even tinier little brown mark on it. :-)
It blends in though, and you don't notice it unless you are looking for it.

M

Damn Megan, lowered it from what? Were you really asking more than $50 for a carpet? A carpet that possibly has a shit stain on it? What's that smile after "brown mark?" Was this your love carpet? Is that why it's kinda pricy?

But hey, she was up front. I like up front.

We'll take the carpet as well. :) Thanks for your honesty, see you Thursday.

Rob

See that smile back? That means, "I know you did something sexy or naughty on that carpet. Or maybe you have a dog with a lazy sphincter, who knows? It doesn't matter. You're name's Megan. Awww."

She probably thought she made the carpet sound trashy (because she did), so she responded:

They look good together. The carpet's softness balances the strong lines of the chairs.
Okay, I'll see you on Thursday. I get off of work at 6:00pm from Midtown, so I should be back by 6:15-6:30, so shoot for 6:30 and we will be golden.

M

She's a regular Feng Shui scholar. Maybe the "egan" in "Megan" was blocking her chi, so she dropped them. Whatever the case, she seemed excited to sell these and I, for some reason or another, was very excited about buying them. Shit carpet and all. We made the arrangements with a Man With A Van for Thursday.

The next day I get this:

Rob, I have a couple that offered 175 and can come by on thursday with a van to pick them up. If you are still interested in the rug, it will be available. I understand though if not. (you could carry that or put it in a gypsy) You don't have to come by on thursday for it though- Saturday is fine.

Just let me know, I am sorry about the chairs, but since you weren't guaranteeing, I want to make sure that they are out of here. Would have hated to tell them no, only to have you decide not to take them.

Thanks Rob

What the fuck is this? Not only did you sell the chairs to someone else on the day we were ready to pick them up, but the carpet has been demoted to a rug?! Why the fuck would we want your diahreea rug now? And couldn't you have told them they were next in line if we for whatever reason flaked on you? What could we have done to "guarantee" we'd be there besides saying in plain English, "Hey Megan, we'll be there." Did you want us to sign in blood? Maybe with the blood that stains your horrible gaudy rug? And what the hell is a "gypsy"? Do you want us to abduct a gypsy child and make her carry your fuck carpet to our new place? What balls, Megan!

Naturally, I wrote back:

We had just hired a van, I don't know what we could have done to guarantee it. Is that final?

We were giving you $200 for the three, isn't that the better offer?

Do you really think you can get $50 without the chairs and their "hard lines" to help sell it? Even Diana didn't think so, and she's smart!

She writes:

There are other people though that will buy the rug. Sorry Rob. I thought you were going to come by Thursday to look at them first, and arrange a van for the weekend. This person is going to come over with a van and buy them for sure. I couldn't take the chance that you wouldn't want them.

I had people come by before already in this exact situation and they didn't end up taking an item because they decided the style wasn't right. Which is why I am going with the higher offer, for sure deal taking them out on Thursday.

If you are upset, I am sorry. I don't want to be a jerk, I have to look out for myself though. I need to get this stuff out of my place.

M

First of all, didn't I say I would take them that day? Hrmm? Second of all, who are these people buying $50 love rugs? I guess I've seen weirder things than that (see "Adventures in Garbage"). Go ahead and look out for yourself, Megan. We don't want your stupid stuff anyway. Oh, but before I fade out of your life forever, take THIS:

Not a problem, thanks.

Rob

Ha! Do you feel that scorn, bitch? It is a problem! I lied!

We eventually found an awesome white leather sofa set (one three-seater, one two-seater, and one big chair) for $475, which is the best deal we could find (especially split two ways) so this turned out for the best.

Two days later, I get this:

Well guess that I got what I deserved. They didn't show up or call or ANYTHING, didn't even email, or return or pick up my calls... I made a huge point about the nature of why I was having them come too, besides the extra 25 dollars. You can see why I was worried about someone not showing up, and wanting them out as soon as possible, (in case they didn't show up I would have the xtra few days to look for someone else.)

Anyhow, not that you are a cruel person- but I would understand if you were chuckling right now. In the case that you are still interested, they are yours- and I will knock off 25 dollah for the annoyance, and in appology.

I will wait for you to write back today, or I will move on to the next person on the list.

Thanks Rob.

Oh, I'm not a cruel person. No no. But I was laughing my ass off. I think I wrote an impromptu song called "Suck It Megan" featuring me on lead vocals and my right arm pit on percussion. I asked Diana if she would play bass, but she declined. What a loser. Responding was awesome:

Hey Megan,

Sorry to hear about that. Diana and I just bought three big pieces of furniture so we don't have the space for the chairs any more (as much as we liked them). Thanks for letting us know and keeping us in mind.

Good luck,
Rob

The moral of the story: Megan sucks. She wrote back. Awww:

No, that's great! I just wanted to contact you first, and let you know what an ass I made of myself. :-)

Take care Rob, and have a great weekend.

M

Thanks for letting me know, Megan. I hope you get hit by a truck.
My Top Ten Favorite Cover Songs
These are MY top ten favorite covers. Feel free to disagree and, better yet, share your own favorite covers with me.

To me, a great cover takes the original song, flips it on its head, and somehow makes it better than the original. Some do just the opposite. I don't need to hear Marilyn Manson singing "Sweet Dreams" and I DEFINITELY don't need to hear Aaron Carter singing "Stayin' Alive." Likewise, what's the point of Pearl Jam covering "Last Kiss" if they're not going to try to make it their own? Come to think of it, why make music if you're Pearl Jam?

The ten songs that follow succeed in that task:

10. Ben Folds and Rufus Wainright - Careless Whisper

A decent live recording of the duet.

This is a karaoke night staple for me thanks to this cover. The Wham version is two pink margaritas away from being the Gay National Anthem, but this duet between Rufus (quite gay) and Ben (not so much the gay) embraces it and milks it for what its worth (pardon the unplanned-but-not-bad-enough-to-be-deleted pun). It definitely feels like karaoke night with this particular version of the song, but their voices have a really interesting blend despite a few sour notes. Ben does a different take on the epic sax riff but its equally satisfying here.

9. Reel Big Fish - Take On Me

Fun video from the horrible movie "Baseketball."

I'm not a big Reel Big Fish fan, but I gotta respect this cover. The horn line alone puts this above some other covers I've heard (Rockapella fails miserably). The vocals are a little slurry, but the guy definitely has the notes (which is no easy feat). They take it at a break-neck tempo which helps keep the song fun.

8. Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal

A cover and Spanish lesson all in one!

This is a great cover and a reverent tip-of-the-hat to one of the most talented performers of the 20th century (if you disagree, I have some videos for you to watch). The riff kicks ass on the electric guitar. I usually don't like it when new bands break in with cover songs, but if they're as good as this one, no harm no foul.

7. De Nye Gitarkameratene AND/OR The Ataris - Boys of Summer

De Nye Gitarkameratene's version

The Atari's version

I'm a sucker for this song and almost all of its renditions, but this DJ Sammy cover is like sodomy of the ears.

Anyhoo, De Nye Gitarkameratene is a Norwegian super group (it roughly translates as "the new guitar companions"....I'm sure that sounds much cooler in Norwegian). They cover a lot of classics and play the occasional live concert. I have to take a few points off for lowering the key of Don Henley's cheestastic rock ballad, but the harmonies and folk feel fit the song nicely. Great voices as well.

The Ataris are a bit arrogant for my taste and another example of a small time band that got big on a cover, but this rendition does the original justice. Great vocals by the lead singer and a formidable tribute to the Eagles star.

NOTE: The lyric in Henley's original is "out on the road today I saw a Dead Head sticker on a Cadillac," but The Ataris change it to "Black Flag sticker." Apparently he changed it because he thinks the Grateful Dead sucked. He also has a song called "Ben Lee Sucks." Big talk for a little band.

6. Ben Folds - Bitches Ain't Shit

Ben's cover of Dr. Dre's song. Some dude making his own music video. It's inoffensive (as inoffensive as a music video for a song called "Bitches Ain't Shit" can be anyway) and even sorta funny at times.

This speaks for itself.

5. Rufus Wainright - Hallelujah

I'm not a big Rufus Wainright fan, I'm not. With one other exception (the best part of the Moulin Rouge soundtrack: "Complainte de laButte"), his work doesn't do much for me. He sings like his jaw is broken. I saw him live a few years back and left pretty unimpressed...but I can't resist this song. His enunciation is slightly better than usual in this track so you can hear Leonard Cohen's poetry clearly and his beautiful voice tugs at the heartstrings through all FIVE verses.

Leonard Cohen's and Jeff Buckley's versions feel weak and, worse yet, repetitive around the fourth verse. Some people object to Rufus singing "do you, through you, etc." as opposed to "do ya, through ya, etc" and compromising the rhyme with "hallelujah," but I don't mind at all.

4. Marilyn Manson - Tainted Love

Apparently this song has been covered by everybody. It was written in1964 and recorded by Gloria Jones, though the most popular rendition of my generation is the Soft Cell version.

This cover, recorded for the "Not Another Teen Movie" soundtrack, kicks copious amounts of ass. The slamming bass and the crazy NIN synth draws you in right away and Manson actually does a decent job of singing (as opposed to the hissing and shouting that dominates his "Sweet Dreams" cover).

He owes his career to his producer Trent Reznor, but there is no doubting that the man is a rock star. Enjoy the weird SIMS video, it's hard to find a version of the real video without nudity.

3. Jonatha Brooke AND/OR Noa - Eye in the Sky

So I went through an "Alan Parsons Project" phase, so what?? Does that make me a nerd? NO. “Sirius/Eye in the Sky" is one of my favorite songs (Sirius is the extended intro of the song, often found as a connected but separate track. If you've ever been to a professional basketball game, you'll know it as the Chicago Bulls entrance music). The sung portion of the song makes me choke up from time to time. Though the members of Alan Parsons Project are TOTAL nerds (anyone who has an album called "I, Robot" goes to their fair share of Star Trek conventions), the lyrics are so moving. "I've heard the accusation before/And I ain't gonna take any more/Believe me, the sun in your eyes/Made some of the lies worth believing." This gets a reaction from me every time. Then again, so does the Mr. Rogers Theme Song so don't look too much into it.

Jonatha Brooke, one of my future wives, does a beautiful acoustic cover of the song. The way she pulls back before "I can read your mind" is so unexpected and beautiful. But now that you know about it, it will just be beautiful. Damn.

This Noa girl is new to me, but I like her cover as much as Jonatha's. The strings are a particularly nice touch. I'll take Jonatha Brooke as an artist (and wife as I said), but she does a damn good job.

2. Mandy Moore - Can We Still Be Friends

The song underscores some terrible montage but it's the best I could find.

A beautifully sung and full version of Todd Rundgren's song. The harmonies are gorgeous and Mandy Moore makes it her own without desecrating the original. The girl has pipes. She sings it with more balls than Todd did and she tops herself with her last verse.

A killer break-up song AND my 2 favorite cover.

1. King's Singers - And So It Goes

Another unrelated montage.

Wow. The Billy Joel original is pleasant, but this cover takes it to anew level. The harmonies are incredible and the lyrics are heart breaking. To put it plainly, this is one of my favorite things ever. I'm surprised more people don't know this cover (I've introduced it to avid Billy Joel fans). I'm glad I can share it.

So those are my two cents. Post your own favorites if you're so inclined.
Adventures in Garbage
Most New Yorkers don't see the value in their funiture.

Craigslist is a treasure trove of slightly used but awesome furniture. I bought a 36" flatscreen Sony TV with high definition for $180. That may not look like a steal, but new TVs over 27" start at $250. I did some research on my particular model and a lot of Craigslist ads from other cities came up in the google search. Some guys were asking as much as $600 for the same model. So why was mine so cheap? Because it took up space. It's a big, heavy piece of furniture and it takes up a ton of space. When you're paying $1200 for a one bed room apartment in Queens and moving once every two years, you tend to value the little space you get.

Most of the people you meet on Craigslist have to move whatever it is they're selling by the end of the week, so you're practically doing them a favor by taking it off their hands. Sure they make a little bit of money on it, but its usually nowhere near what they paid for it. Some people, for one reason or another, don't bother and leave their old furniture on the sidewalk for the garbageman to pick up. After walking by a ton of quality furniture one trash night, I got an idea.

Why should these nightstands and tables be thrown away? A new person moves to New York everyday and could totally use this stuff. I bet they'd even pay for it.

So every Friday night, I scoured my block for anything sturdy enough to reuse and took it home with me. Then I'd take a few nice pictures of it with my digital camera and load them onto Craigslist. I never asked for much. $25 tops. But when you have four or five small tables to sell, that money adds up. Here are a few things I managed to sell:

Doesn't the carpet make it look nice? That's from off the street too.

I never told the people who responded to the ads that they were buying garbage, but then again they never asked. Occasionally someone would try to haggle with me and I'd try not to laugh as I pretended to consider whether $20 was more appropriate than $25. It's all the same to me, lady. Enjoy your garbage.

So one Friday night I was checking out the "new merchandise" and I came across this chair:

It was the only thing worth taking on a rainy night, so I picked it up and hauled it home. It wasn't too heavy, but it was definitely wide and deep enough to sit cross-legged in. You can't tell from this picture but it appeared to be missing a cushion and the upholstery was blotchy in some areas. I considered asking for $20, but I figured I would only get $15 with such prominent marks on it. I titled the ad "Big Comfy Lounge Chair" and wrote a very honest description. The next morning, I got the following e-mail:

Chair - we'll pay $100!!!

Hey there,

Saw your ad on Craigslist.

As I know we're probably not the first in line, I will offer $100 for it to advance to first place.

Please let me know if it's available and when I can come by to pick it up .

cel: 713-xxx-xxxx

Thanx!

Wha? I had posted my ad for the chair around 11:00 the night before and this e-mail came around 10:30 AM. Did he think there was a blue chair rush in Queens? Why the urgency? Why would a man who thinks two "Ls" in "cell" is wasteful offer me $100 for a $15 chair? As I was reading this e-mail, he writes me another one:

$100 - Still Want It!!!!

Hey there,

I'm hoping you're asleep because your post went up so late last night.

We just moved to NYC and need furniture badly - can't find anything we can afford.

I keep missing everything on Craigslist, it generates so much response so quickly that I can't ever get to anything fast enough.

We still would very much like to buy your chair - and out of desperation, we will gladly offer you $100.

Please do call (or let me know if it's sold) at 713-xxx-xxxx

Thanks so much & take care!

(and happy holidays!)

Something is amiss here. First of all, if he's looking for furniture he can afford, why is he offering more than 600% of the asking price? Secondly, it's not that hard to find furniture in New York. It litters the streets. I'm officially wary, but $100 is $100.

I respond:

It's yours, but out of curiosity, why so eager?

He writes back in a timely fashion:

YAY TO ME!!!!!

Rob,

I'm eager because Craigslist is a monster.

We listed all of our furniture on Craigslist in Houston before we moved here and within an hour we had 150 emails in our inbox.

Within five hours our entire house was sold.

In New York it seems to be worse.

I can't get any furniture. It keeps being sold before I can get to it.

Basically, you have to be the very first person to respond to have any chance of buying anything.

Since I didn't see your ad for six hours, I figured the only way I could get your chair was to offer more.

Thank you so much for getting back to me! Finally, our first furniture purchase in New York!

We live in Brooklyn and don't have a car - I know somebody who can come pick it up and pay and bring it to us (a guy with a van).

Let me know where and when and I'll get it taken care of!<script type="text/javascript" />
Thanx again!

150 e-mails? Some of my fine merchandise (junk that an animal may have peed on) sits on Craigslist for a few days without generating much interest. Maybe people are totally batshit crazy in Houston. A former Houston resident is offering me $100 for a chair I found outside in the rain, so why not? The "YAY TO ME!!!!" is a little scary, but maybe he's simple. Like hit-in-the-head-with-a-brick simple. Maybe he lost the part of his brain that controlled his negotiating skills and his ability to spell "thanks" correctly.

I write back:

I can bring the chair out whenever if you have a van. I live on the corner of Hazen and 21st Ave. in East Elmhurst. When is best for you?

When you're outside, you can contact me at 718-606-xxxx.

That's pretty straightforward, right? Here's his response:

RE: YAY TO ME!!!!!

Hi Rob,
I finally figured out a way to get it.

BUT, the guy with a van says he can't pick it up until Monday.

I hope that is not too late!

I can send you a deposit by PayPal if you want - I don't want you to think I'm not serious, I just don't have a car and I don't know how else to move it.

But, assuming it's OK - the guy can pick it up just about any time on Monday.

Let me know.

Thanx so much & take care!

By this point, I'm getting a handful of other offers for the chair and this guy is really weirding me out. It's Saturday and this chair is sitting right in the middle of my entrance and I just want it gone. And what's his plan for this guy with a van? Is he going to have some complete stranger give me his money and take my furniture back to him? Does this guy keep "candy" in his van? I had been in New York for three months at this point, so I wasn't really interested in being abducted and fondled by some dude in a van.

I didn't think I was getting that $100 anymore and I had a few offers for the chair from people in the area.

My response was curt:

I won't be around on Monday I'm afraid and I don't have a Paypal account.

Craigslist says to watch out for anyone who refuses to meet face to face or says they'll wire you money. This guy was doing both. I thought my response would discourage him, but he kept coming at me:

Boo Hoo To Me :(
Tuesday workable?

Awww, its like a kicked a puppy. A very creepy puppy who hires guys with vans to abduct people. And "boo hoo to you?" Even Texas retards don't say shit like that. I know your tricks, Mr. Van Rapist.
I didn't respond. Fuck that guy. How dare he offer me $100 for trash? Meanwhile, some guy who lived fifteen blocks away responded to my ad and said he could pick it up Sunday. I told him it was all his. Sunday morning, I got this:

Boo Hoo To Me?
Sold?

If not, I can still get the pickup done tomorrow...

Again with the "boo hoo to me?" Did he expect a "Yes, boo hoo to you" or a "No, yay for you!!!!!"

The other guy came that evening and picked up the chair. He told me his mother had one when he was growing up and confirmed that it was indeed missing a cushion. He gave me the $15 and carried it home. He even wrote a little thank you note. It was done with. Time to end the 'yays' and 'boo hoos' once and for all.

I write:

Hello,

I ended up selling the chair to a friend who liked it. It was taking up space in front of the door and I had to have it out before I had guests over. Thank you for your interest all the same and good luck finding a suitable replacement.

That's all bullshit of course but I didn't want to sound like I sold the chair to someone else just to spite him. I thought he was crazy for sure. He had my address and home phone number so who knows what he might have done if provoked.

Instead, he wrote the following:

Rob,

At least tell your friend that it's an Eero Saarinen Womb Chair.

I laughed. What the hell is that supposed to mean? So I typed "Eero Saarinen Womb Chair" into a Google search and find the following site. Go on, click it:

Eero Saarinen Womb Chair

..............
..............
..............

Holy swing dancing Jesus.

This chair is $2,518 brand new. And it was sitting on the street as garbage.

I felt the color drain from my face. It was like sitting next to a homely girl everyday for a year in home ec class and suddenly finding really hot naked pictures of her. Who knew this dirty chair had so much potential?

This guy probably figured I was furious, but I wasn't. I thought it was so damn funny I wrote him back. He dropped the cutesy stuff and answered all my questions very candidly. He told me I probably could have gotten $400 for it despite its condition. If he bought it from me, he would have reupholstered it and sold it again for $1,200-1,400.
I still don't know if the guy who bought it from me (or any of the other responses) knew what the chair is worth. It got me a pretty funny story, so I guess I'll settle for that.

After all, most New Yorkers don't see the value in their funiture.
Unnatural Male Enhancement
    With so many distractions like the AIDS epidemic, Alzheimer's, and cancer, I'm glad to see that some scientists are staying on the ball and developing medications that will make my cock bigger. I mean, let's not kid ourselves! The most important question since the dawn of time has always been, "Does size matter?" The debate rages on today.

    Jesus did a lot of praying in the Garden of Gethsemane before he was brutally murdered by Romans disguised as Jews. Some people think he (He?) was praying for salvation. Others (read: me) know the truth. Yes, you read that correctly. 'Me know the truth.' And the truth is that Jesus wants us all to have disproportianately large wangs.

    So why weren't we all born with bulbous ding dongs you ask? Oh, ye of little faith. The truth will come in time. But how long must I wait, you ask, this time with a twinkle of a tear in your eye. With the help of Extenze, only 30 days, I respond as I levitate off the ground and shoot metaphorical beams of hope across the sky.

    Thank God for late night television. The infomercial clip is 7:27 but I assure you it is well worth your time. For those of you who are uninterested in watching, I'll keep a log of what you're missing:

0:08 - These folks go for the jugular right away. "What's kinda interesting is that some studies show that as many as 60% of women today are not fully satisfied by the size of their partner." -- Ho Bag.
    If only there was something we men could do about it! Maybe these experts from "Sex Talk" will have some advice for us.

0:25 - "What women would want to hurt her guy's feelings? Especially about something they think he can't do anything about." -- Ho Bag turning her head and looking discouraged.
    Do everyday perverts like you and me feel the same way about size? Let's go to the streets to find out.

0:37 - "Don't you think it might be kinda fun if I was...larger?" -- Smiley McDrunkerson.     Did you guys see that? It might just be the clip, but did you notice a quick edit between "was" and "larger"? If so, hats off to the director. He's a regular Michael Moore. I'm sure the quote was more like, "Don't you think it might be kinda fun if I was [an astronaut? I could establish a colony on the moon and float around the solar system with my space dog, Scooter, and finally finish that screenplay. You remember that screenplay I was working on, right hun? The one about the guy living in the hotel, going crazy? No, not like the fucking "Shining," it will be much different than "The Shining!" For starters, uh, Jack Nicholson? Remember him? DEAD. That's right, I kill him right away. And the part of the son? There is no son. That's right, he's a ghost. NO, not like "The Sixth Sense!" Jesus, you never support me! Whenever I try to do something new you accuse me of stealing it! (Sigh). You're right, I'm sorry I yelled. I plan on sending Kirstie Alley the script. I think she could read for the black cook. She'll have to lose a little weight though. Don't you think she's gotten] larger?"

0:42 - Ahh!! He's either a vampire or a pedophile. I don't know whether to stab him with a stake or send him to another parish.

0:47 - "I'd buy it." -- Asian Guy. THERE'S a surprise.
"And I'd buy it for you too." -- Asian Guy's Loud Mouth Woman.
     I don't care how small your man's pecker is, you never agree that it's tiny. She should be thanking her lucky stars she wasn't drowned as a baby.

0:52 - Smiley McDrunkerson has met his match with this chick. This chick sounds like Friar Tuck from the Robin Hood cartoon. Nobody sounds like that sober.

1:14 - "A product called Extenze." Oh, so they were selling something all along...I should have known.

1:19 - "A truly satisfied woman is going to want to make love MUCH more often." -- Ho Bag. That's a good selling point.

1:22 - "Much more often...ha ha, well there's a selling point if ever I've heard one." -- Comb Over Douche Bag. Uh, yeah. We get it. How stupid do you think your audience is? Oh, right.

1:42 - Back to the streets to interview guys who have used Extenze! I hope they had good results, otherwise they'll be SO embarassed asking!

2:00 - The huge black guy took a pill to make his flim flam bigger. Uh, I hate to promote stereotypes or anything, but how big is this guy going for exactly? What kind of vacuous chasm does his girlfriend have between her legs?

2:12 - "How long did it take to work?" -- Ho Bag
"Actually, the very first day I started using it." -- Large Black Man.
    There you have it folks. If it doesn't work instantly, then it won't work. Oh, but it does say "Results May Vary," so maybe it will take a day or two. Better yet, buy a few bottles to make sure you'll reach your full potential (tee hee!). Sorry sorry, full potential sounds a lot like a euphemism for...YOU KNOW. Penises make me giggly!

2:24 - "If he ever stops using it, we're done." -- Large Black Man's Woman. Well then that's not a healthy relationship at all, is it?

2:37 - A Filipino guy. What have you heard about Extenze, Fillipino guy? "I hear about it from a friend, and uh, I'll try it. I'm currently on it." Wait, what? I'll try it, I mean, I'm on it? That's like, "I really want a lollipop, I mean, I ate a lollipop." (Lollipops look like penises, tee hee!!)

2:55 - "How long did it take to get results?" -- Ho Bag with the hard-hitting questions.
"The first result is very dramatical..." -- Filipino Guy. You didn't answer the question, doofus. You do speak English, don't you? Oh, right, you're a bumbling idiot in a stupid suit. And "dramatical" is not a word, I looked it up. Twice. ("looking up" totally sounds like a euphemism for "sex!" Zing!)

3:34 - "How happy [are you with our ding dong juice], you were happy enough to rip the holes out in her jeans?!" -- Ho Bag laughing her ass off with European couple. That's not a joke! I see innuendos everywhere and that comment makes no goddamn sense! Plus, I can't see one hole in her pants, can you? What is she implying? Why does my confusion give me a monstrous erection? ("Erection" sounds like "hard-on", tee hee hee ha!)

4:05 - This is by far my favorite part. If you don't watch anything else, I beg you to watch this.

4:07 - "I ordered a male enhancement product called Extenze." -- Ashamed Douche Bag (different than Comb Over Douche Bag)
"Male enhancement...you mean like building more muscles?" -- Too Stupid to Pick Up on Subtlty Wife of Ashamed Douche Bag
"No! You know, male enhancement." -- Ashamed (though now much more cheeky) Douche Bag

No!! What a ridiculous notion! Why would I want more muscles? Muscles are for losers! Unless you mean his "love muscle!" Ooo!

"Oh, really? Does that really work?" -- A Now Clued In T.S.P.U.S.W.A.D.B. Tell her, Ashamed Douche Bag!

4:18 - Bah! Who the fuck are you? Why are you looking at me?? Something about a 30-day guarantee and jazzercise music...

4:27 - Back to sitcom land.
"Wow! Just how much 'enhancing' does Extenze do?" -- A.N.C.I.T.S.P.U.S.W.A.D.B.         Couldn't these terrible actors tell us about the guarantee without that witch interrupting and staring into my soul? At this point, I was kinda hoping A.D.B. would cock slap her and be like, "Stop asking stupid questions, you dumb cow," but we still have to rely on insinuations and innuendo to get the big picture. 4:30 minutes into this commercial and no one has said "penis." I hope everyone understands what this product is so they don't have a comical misunderstanding like his retarded wife.

4:34 - Back to "Sex Talk." Are we going to discuss what we've learned? No, we're going to talk to a bunch of whores and ask them if size matters. Didn't we cover this? It clearly does in Extenze world. What can these walking VD's bring to the table at this point?

4:56 - He said "sex!" Everyone giggle, it's funny!!

5:00 - Ooo, she said it again! Tee hoo ha!

5:09 - Sex is important to the whore on the right now that she has someone to stick around "for the long haul." Is that marriage....or another sex innuendo!! Get it? "Long?" "Haul?" When will it end?

5:16 - "Sex is a, shall I say, LARGE PART of the relationship?" -- Whorish Blonde on the Left. I'm still laughing over "LONG HAUL" and now they go and say "LARGE PART"? These bitches are comedic geniuses!

5:17 - Okay, I get it, Ho Bag. You didn't have to put "large part" in air quotes.

6:00 - These women were asked about their first time (with sex!!) and they all agree that they were pretty disappointed. I don't think anyone has fun their first time, so I don't understand how that's relevant. They'd probably prefer a small dick for the first time because it hurts so damn much. Unless you're Loosey Liu in the middle there, in which case you lost your virginity to a totem pole.

6:08 - "...so here's the big, pardon the pun, question..." -- Unfunny Ho Bag.

6:10 - Size matters to whores. I think I felt the earth stop turning.

6:45 - "Did you have guys who didn't measure up, per se?" -- take a fucking guess. I wonder what this chick would be like in bed (after a nose job, because gross).

7:00 - Ho Bag turns to the camera and asks us to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I knew it!!