Oh, Paris – you minx. If that mean ol’ Nicole would rather go make babies than party into the night -- and Britney and Lindsay are too busy with rehab to help you max out all the gold and platinum cards, then kick them to the CURB, sister! They’re not real friends. That special hot ‘n’ bitchy someone is out there – just waiting to fetch you some Starbucks.

But how do you find this magical person? Fortunately, the generous humanitarians at MTV have come up with a solution: “friend” auditions.

In anticipation of its new TV show, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF (scheduled to air this fall), MTV has started a website where the desperate-to-be-famous can establish a profile to contend for Paris’s affections. Once the audition process (which includes a series of video “challenges”) has concluded, 20 people will be moved into a house together to vie for the coveted title of Paris’s new BFF. Visitors to the site can vote for their favorites.

Among the current contenders: "Chocolate Rain" sensation Tay Zonday (who says he would like to talk to Paris about how she can be “more prophetic” and “advocate for social justice,” an Indonesian kid who asks “help me for can join in this Party. i hope this Party can change my live,” [sic] and a 35-year-old man from Las Vegas who likes to mince about dressed like Pee Wee Herman.

I hope Paris likes gay guys with washboard abs – cause there’s heaps of them. There are women “besties” too, of course, like LittleBitOfMe from Saint Louis, MO – whose plan to deflect the paparazzi from Paris involves wagging her naked breasts at them.

Now that’s friendship.

Anyway, if you’re going blind from cruising eBay and you’ve already exhausted all the You Tube clips from “The Love Boat,” try dropping in on Paris Hilton’s My New BFF. It’s a guaranteed way to squander 30 minutes of an otherwise useful life.

Wendy Case is the MOLI View's contributing editor for Arts & Entertainment.