When I first heard about “Led Zeppelin – The Ride," I couldn’t tell if I was just being a spoilsport, or if the idea of a Zep-themed roller coaster was patently insulting. After further investigation, I’m even more confused.

Turns out, said roller coaster is part of the new 140-acre Hard Rock Park, a rock ‘n’ roll theme park based on the Hard Rock Cafe franchise set to open in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, this May. The groundbreaking ceremony for the park, conducted in summer of 2006, was accompanied by the unveiling of “Mount RockMore” -- a fifteen foot high sand sculpture of John Lennon, Elvis Presley, Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix. Not gag-inducing enough? Try out the “Love Shack Snacks” snack bar or go and pick up some souvenirs at “In Through the Out Store.”

Yes, I’m a cretin, but even I couldn’t make this stuff up.

There’s also a bucket ride called “Slippery When Wet,” an Eagles-themed coaster (“Life in the Fast Lane”) and a spinning kiddie ride that resides in the Magic Mushroom Garden (!). Don’t mind the blood vessels pulsing in your hands, Junior, the ride’ll be over in about six hours.

The park will also include a 10,000 seat amphitheatre and themed areas like “Rock ‘n’ Roll Heaven” (Hi, Kurt), “Born in the USA” (cringe) and “Lost in the ‘70s” (conjures a landscape of acid casualties and neglected ‘Nam vets, doesn’t it?). I shudder to think what goes on at the “Roadies Stunt Show” -- I just hope it doesn’t involve a mudshark.

I don’t know how KISS managed to resist the allure of the Hard Rock Park – my guess is that financiers couldn’t tolerate being in the same room with Gene Simmons long enough to strike a deal. Hopefully they’ll have some of those oil drum trashcans with a character of “the Demon’s” open-mouthed face on top, so you can chuck the uneaten portion of your “Mama Cassburger” in the “God of Thunder’s” gaping maw.

Okay, I made up the Cassburger. But the rest is painfully real.

According to a very corporate-looking Wikipedia entry, the men of Zeppelin have “contributed to all aspects of Led Zeppelin – The Ride.” I wonder if that includes a warning not to choke on your own vomit.

Whew, I’m done now. Your turn.

Wendy Case is the MOLI View's contributing editor for Arts & Entertainment.