Divorce is one of the loneliest of modern rituals. -- Suzanne Gordon

Tim and Gina met while they were both on vacation in Southern California. Tim had just received a dream promotion at his first serious job. Now manager of the marketing department at Quantum, he was riding high and confident of his future. Gina, however, was just coming out of a painful breakup with the young man she'd been dating for two years and was feeling like many things were up in the air for her.

Gina certainly wasn't looking for a new relationship. She welcomed Tim's company but made it clear that she was only interested in having someone to pal around with. Tim said okay, though he was absolutely certain he'd found the love of his life. He'd take his time and give her whatever space she needed. He believed that if he was patient and played his cards right, everything would work out.

Tim's caring attention was exactly what Gina needed to help her through this difficult time. And after several months of telephone conversations across the miles -- she lived in Tucson, he in Seattle -- they agreed to meet in San Francisco over Labor Day weekend. Gina was ready to give love another chance.

The weekend in San Francisco couldn't have been more perfect. Six months later they were making wedding plans. Gina wanted a traditional church wedding, which was fine with Tim as long as they could have a large reception at a place near the ocean, with all their friends celebrating with them. This was one marriage, they told their friends, that would last forever.

In fact, it lasted for nine and a half years, long enough for Alexia and Ben to be born. Neither Gina nor Tim could remember when the arguments actually started. They were over small things at first, but soon even the small disagreements were turning into major fights. They kissed and made up time after time. It seemed that no matter what one of them suggested to the other, it was steel on flint. Sparks flew, whether the discussion was what to fix for dinner, what to plant in the garden, where to spend their vacation, or how best to discipline the kids. The loving intimacy they'd shared eroded with each argument. Finally they were sleeping in different rooms, and Tim sought every opportunity for out-of-town business trips. Gina noticed she was relieved and more relaxed when Tim was out of town and she avoided intimate contact when he was home.

Tim and Gina both felt very alone in their marriage, and were de-pressed and anxious over the loss of the mutual support they'd once experienced. It was nearly impossible for either of them to accept the fact that something that started so beautifully had come to this.

The children, now five and seven, were beginning to show the effects of the constant tension between their parents. In family counseling, Gina and Tim struggled through the challenges of their own conflicts. In the beginning, they pledged to stay together and resolve their differences. Somehow, they'd make the marriage work. Above all, they both understood the negative impact their separation would have on the kids, and they wanted to avoid this at all costs -- well, nearly all costs.

It all came to a head at Alexia's soccer game, when Tim and Gina started arguing in front of the kids and other parents. Deeply humiliated by their own behavior, and aware of how they'd also humiliated their children, they apologized to the people around them and made their way home. Although they were still furious with each other, they made a pact that evening never again to air their conflicts in public. And they would try their best not to argue in front of the kids.

But the conflicts persisted, and the tension continued to affect Alexia and Ben. At last, after much soul-searching and many tears, Tim and Gina looked at each other across their therapist's office one morning and made the decision to end their marriage. It was the first thing they'd agreed on in months. They also made a pledge, suggested by their counselor, to make the break with a specific goal in mind: to do everything in their power to treat one another with respect and dignity. With two beautiful children, they had much to be grateful for. The marriage had blessed them in this way regardless of the fact that they could no longer live together. The therapist assured them that she would be available to help them through the separation, guiding them through what she called "collaborative divorce."

warning WARNING By "collaborative divorce," the therapist meant a way that divorcing parties can relate to each other starting from an assumption of collaboration rather than conflict. In the legal field, there is also a growing movement called "collaborative divorce," which refers to a specific way of going through a legal divorce, in which both parties and their lawyers agree to keep the matter out of court. In this book, the term means a way of relating to your spouse during a divorce, not to the legal process.

You probably recognize Tim and Gina's story. Every marriage is different, and so is every divorce -- but the common thread for divorcing parents with children is the need to come to terms with the ongoing relationship you'll have as divorced parents. This book is about that relationship, and about how you can move through the divorce with a commitment to being the best ex-husband and the best divorced father you can be.