Maybe, just maybe, you're not quite ready to call it quits. You're talking about breaking up, and perhaps you've gone through a few periods of reconciliation, but you haven't signed any papers or made any property agreements. Is it worth trying once more? If you think it might be possible to save your marriage, now is the time to try, before one of you moves out. Once you have stepped over that particular threshold, your chances of getting back together are diminished. It's a big step and one that is not easily reversed.

Let's say you're still sharing the same house, however tension-filled it might be. Is it worth it to try counseling? If you're not in counseling already, and you are sincere about giving the marriage one last try, then you should seriously consider asking a third party for help. Let your wife know that you would very much like to enter counseling be-cause you want to stay married to her. Bear in mind, however, that while professional help can be a great asset, it will help save your marriage only if you and your spouse are equally committed to working it out and you both want to keep your marriage intact. That means you want to stay together no matter how uncomfortable the changes you are facing might be -- including the need for you to accept your wife's shortcomings and to ask her to accept yours.

DOES COUNSELING MAKE SENSE IF YOU KNOW YOU'RE SPLITTING UP?

Counseling is absolutely worth trying when your goal is to save your marriage, but it can also be worthwhile if you know you're splitting up. A counselor can help you work out how you want to communicate during your separation and after your divorce, especially as your communication relates to parenting your kids together. A counselor can also help you make some of the nitty-gritty decisions about your separation -- who will move out of the house, how you will pay for the expenses of two households while you work out a formal agreement, and how you will deal with the kids about the divorce.

People have shared many stories with me about how counseling helped them through breakups. For example, in a group for recently divorced fathers, one man confessed, "My wife had to drag me into counseling kicking and screaming. I made some effort to participate but I was never really into it. I knew our marriage was over, and I wanted out more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. Looking back on it, though, I'm really glad I went. It helped both of us work through some of the fears we had about ending it, and we were able to actually help each other in the separation. Today, we're good friends. We've been able to cooperate really well where the kids are concerned, and that's something both of us consider valuable. I don't think we could have gotten to this place as fast as we did had it not been for those last sessions with the shrink."

Will you be plagued with doubts along the way? Of course. In the haunting hours between midnight and 3 a.m., who does not fall prey to the ghosts of perplexity and skepticism? If you find your doubts and fears keeping you awake at night or distracting you during the day, you might want to consider private therapy, just for you, in addition to any work you are doing as a couple with a marriage counselor. (There's more about counseling below and in Chapter 8.)

Because separating can be so complicated and frightening, many couples go through a trial separation before making their final decision. By the time a couple has gotten to the point of choosing to live apart, it's likely that they'll eventually go on to make the separation permanent. But once in a great while, given some time apart, a couple will get a better perspective on what it would really mean to be divorced. That may lead them to accept shared responsibility for creating the current estrangement and develop the motivation to work a little harder to get back together.

A trial separation can be difficult where the kids are concerned, however. What do you tell them? Do you say, "Dad (or maybe Mom) is going to have a place of his own for a while, but don't worry, we'll be getting back together?" Given that you can't actually promise your kids that you'll reconcile, better to offer them something solid they can deal with. Just assure them that "Even though Dad is going to have a place of his own now, he's still your dad, and he'll always be your dad. You'll still see a lot of him, and you'll also have another home where you can go to be with him." Assuring the kids that while things are changing, Dad will always be Dad helps them deal with their primary fear -- that you won't love them anymore.

If you decide to try a separation period, be sure that you jointly de-ice how long the separation will be. Between six and twelve months is reasonable. But be specific. Both of you should agree on a date. After that time, you can take a look at your situation -- perhaps with the help of your marriage counselor or therapist -- and then decide what your next move is going to be.

If this is to be a trial separation, make sure you're in agreement about what this means: you are still married to each other, and your goal is to get back together. If you get emotionally and sexually involved with another person, it's no longer a trial separation. If that's happened already and is a part of why you're separating, you need to end that "other" relationship so that you can focus on your marriage. It's important to remember that even after the divorce is final, most of us feel some pangs of sadness, or perhaps even anger, when we see our ex-partner with someone else. Time does heal such wounds, but if you're sincere about a trial separation you'll realize, early on, that this is not a time to open up new wounds. Instead it is a time to heal the wounds that are threatening your marriage.

It is virtually impossible to know with absolute certainty that separating from your partner is the right way to go, even after you've tried every other option. What you do know is that you are in pain, and your wife is in pain, and your children are in pain and may be showing the stresses of your struggle. If you've reached the point where you feel there's no other option but to separate permanently, you're about to find out that you are not alone on the journey, no matter how much it might feel like that sometimes. Everyone in the immediate family is affected, to say nothing of grandparents, friends, and even distant cousins. While that might feel like a lot of pressure, it should also support your commitment to a collaborative process that won't drag those friends and relatives into your conflicts with your spouse.