One evening in a men's divorce group, one of the men was commemorating the third year of his separation from his ex-wife. He reflected on the most difficult parts of the separation and divorce, and reiterated how relieved he was to be out of the marriage. He then made this comment: "In the beginning there are those little moments of grace when you think how mellow it is to be out of this hassle. No more arguments. No more impossible standoffs you know are futile. And then, maybe a couple months out of the house, you start to realize that as long as you live you'll be a part of this family unit, by virtue of the fact of your children. For the first time in my life I know what they mean by that saying, blood is thicker than water."

In so many ways, divorce -- at least when there are children of the marriage -- is not ending a relationship but changing that relationship. Where children are concerned, Dad is still Dad and Mom is still Mom. There may be stepparents who at least partially take on those roles, and who your children may even come to call Dad, but the reality is that the bonds you share with your children do not go away. Keeping that in mind, look for ways to honor those bonds even as you are making plans to leave the marriage.

True Stories: Keep Your Eyes on the Prize

A friend recently shared with me an experience he'd had at his daughter's wedding, 12 years after he and her mother divorced. Be-fore the wedding, he and his ex-wife spoke on the phone, promising each other that while they were both attending the wedding there would be no scenes between them. This was a time of celebration, not a time for opening old wounds. What surprised my friend, he said, was that when the band started playing at the reception, he had a profound yearning to dance with his ex. When he timidly walked up to her to ask, she smiled brightly and eagerly drew him out onto the dance floor. Later she said, "I was so afraid you wouldn't ask me." It was not anything like a reconciliation, he said, for they had both gone on with their lives and remarried. But clearly, they shared a bond through their daughter, and it felt good to acknowledge and celebrate it in this way. "I am so glad we were able to share this moment," my friend told his former wife.

This man's clear perspective is a valuable insight for all of us -- that where there are children involved, there is a bond that we will share with our kids' moms forever. After the divorce, we're still going to be raising the children together with our former spouses, and this will take a collaborative effort if we're to do it right. In the ideal world, of course, there would be no domestic strife and no divorce. But that's not what this book is about. Living as we do in a world where divorce is all too prevalent, we would do well to look at the best ways through it -- be-ginning with the realization that a family with children is a family that is bonded together for many, many years to come. But that's the big picture. In the moment, you're first going to have to tell the kids about the impending divorce.

CALLING A TRUCE

This is a big one. You still have many unresolved differences between you. You may be feeling raw and hurt. Even so, once you've made the decision to divorce, there's business to attend to, some of which is going to require strength that you may have never imagined you possess. You've got to step back, survey what needs to be done, and then move on to complete what you've set into motion. This is where true collaboration begins, with an agreement to call a truce: an end to active fighting. This book will help you keep your commitment to that collaboration.

Your first purpose in calling a truce is to be able to sit down with the kids and tell them what's going on. This is not about you or how you feel; it is about your kids. This moment will stay with them forever, so be prepared to put your hurt and anger aside and focus on what they need.

There are other reasons to call a truce with your spouse, though. The stress of continual conflict, as you already know, takes its toll. Now that you have decided to split, you have an opportunity to relieve some of that stress by agreeing to deal with each other in a collaborative way. Doing so will make everything easier, from arranging a visitation schedule to splitting your bank accounts. There is no way around it -- this is a very hard time for everyone. There's no need to make it harder by fighting over every little detail.

In the ideal world, Mom and Dad would sit down with the kids and in an orderly, compassionate, and age-appropriate way, tell them what was going on. However, at this point, usually one or both of you is feeling anxious and confused, and talking to the kids in a healthy and useful way feels impossible. Still, no matter how you feel, you're simply going to have to pull yourself together and move forward with this difficult task. There is no easy way to do this. Just do your best, and when in doubt, bet on the truth.

It's best for the kids if you and your spouse talk to them at the same time -- but make certain you agree to this ahead of time and talk over how it's going to go. If you're feeling very unsure, seek help from a marriage counselor. This can greatly reduce your anxiety by giving you some guidelines to follow. For example, if your kids are very different ages, you'll need to speak to each of them in a way that will make sense to them. For example, a four-year old child may only need to hear three things, though you may have to repeat these three statements many times in the weeks ahead: 1) "I love you," 2) "I will always be your daddy," and 3) "I am going to be living in a different house where you will have your own room and toys, just like here." Telling a teenager may be more challenging. The main thing with teenagers will be to keep focused while avoiding discussions that are critical of their mother. If you have doubts about how to present this information to your kids, a counselor can help you understand where your kids are developmentally and how to talk to each of them.

Whatever you do, after you explain to the kids about the changes that are about to happen, make sure you take each child aside separately and address each child's individual concerns and needs one on one. Encourage them to ask questions and to express what they are feeling. Answer their questions without putting down their mother in any way. And take the time to acknowledge their feelings without dissecting them or trying to talk them out of it. For example, if your daughter tells you she is "sad and angry and scared all at the same time," let her know that you understand why she would feel that way, that she may feel that way for a while, and that it will get better. If she's angry at you, you might say "I'm sure you are angry, sweetheart. I'm sorry that you feel this way and I understand why you do right now. I believe that you'll feel better as time goes on, but it might take a while. I still love you very much, and that will never change."

True Stories: A Cautionary Tale

When my wife and I split up, we told each of our three kids at different times and places. We did not make a lot of time for them to express their reactions or ask questions, which was a mistake. My eight-year-old son was especially confused by the way we told him. Both his mom and I held him in our laps in such a loving way that he thought something wonderful was about to happen. When we explained that his mom and I were getting a divorce, it didn't make sense to him. He couldn't put together the loving nurturing and the shocking news of the divorce. It was a lack of planning on our part, and a failure to consider what message our actions might send, that caused his confusion and meant we had to backtrack and start over dealing with his feelings. On the other hand, we tried not to get too down on ourselves -- we did the best we could in the moment, and there's no perfect way to break news like this. Most kids are going to need ongoing help in coping with the divorce, no matter how well the initial conversation goes.

Regardless of how you choose to tell your kids, do so in a way that is sensitive to their individual needs, in an age-appropriate manner, with your actions and words expressing a coherent message. There's no way to avoid some upset -- yours and theirs. Be as aware as you possibly can of your children's reactions. The more you are able to observe how they are taking the news, the better able you'll be to handle any difficulties they may be having, now and in the future.

Tell Them You Love Them, and Tell Them Often

As much as you want to ease your kids' and your own pain at this point, there really is nothing you can do to rush the healing that must take place. It's here that the old Taoist saying, "Don't push the river," becomes the rule of the day. But while healing takes time, there are things you can say that will help your kids through the transition, keeping them in a place of relative safety as they negotiate this new territory. Here are key concepts that you'll want to convey to your kids. Don't drag out your discussion of these points -- keep your communication clear, simple, and age-appropriate:

* Assure them the divorce is not their fault and that they are not in any way responsible for Mom and Dad wanting to live in different houses.
* Tell them you're sorry to have caused this mess.
* Assure them that even though you may not be living in the same house with them, you will not ever abandon them -- you are all still a family, and that will never change.
* Ask them to be patient and tell them that many other kids have gone through this -- and that eventually it will get easier and they will feel "normal" again.
* Tell them often that you love them.

True Stories: Acting Out the Teenage Ways

When Jerry and Brenda broke up, their oldest son, Craig, then fourteen, acted out by cutting school and getting involved with a group of kids who were experimenting with drugs. Jerry had the boy come and live with him for a period of time in the hope of getting him away from the kids he was hanging out with. "It was hellish," Jerry said. "Craig lied constantly, stole from me, and eventually got suspended from school.

"One day a cop came to the door and reported that my son was selling weed. We were subpoenaed to appear for a hearing with a juvenile probation officer. That meeting scared the crap out of both of us. When we got home afterwards, I asked Craig what it was that bothered him so much. His first answer was that I bugged him, and he hated my guts. Then he broke down and sobbed, 'I don't have a family anymore.'

"I contacted a family therapist the next day. What came out in our meeting with the therapist was a great revelation to both Craig and me: we learned that, regardless of the divorce, we were still a family. My ex and I had not destroyed that family by breaking up, but we had forced it to change its form.

"For several weeks, Craig and I and our counselor worked together to decide ways our new family structure might work. To make a long story short, Craig chose to go back and live with his Mom and my other two kids. His acting out has stopped and he's taken a very caring and responsible role with his younger siblings. I'm really proud for both of us because I think we got to the bottom of a pretty big problem that might otherwise have been a real tragedy."

Decide to Be the Best Dad You Can Be

Dissolving a marriage, particularly when children are involved, is a complex and trying process. It's hard on everyone. As one recently divorced father put it, "It is like having the cosmic carpet pulled suddenly from under your feet. Even though I thought I was prepared for it, and had done a lot in therapy around it, when I walked out that door for the last time, I felt like the earth had crumbled under my feet."

During this period of transition, you'll no doubt encounter a great deal of confusion and emotional upheaval. You'll probably be feeling every emotion imaginable, running the spectrum from anger and fear to relief to deep sadness. All that being so, hold the intention upper-most in your mind that regardless of what else is going on, you'll do everything you can to be the best father that you can possibly be. If you make and keep that commitment to yourself, you may encounter trials of many kinds, but you will find a way to keep your kids' mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health at the top of your priority list.

What does this mean in a practical sense? It means that you put your kids' needs before your own -- a theme that we'll return to again and again in this book. It means that you pay attention to what your kids are saying and what they're doing -- both with you and with their friends, at school, and with your spouse. It means that no matter how stressed out, overwhelmed, or burned out you feel, you find a way to show up for your kids -- not just when they are in crisis or acting out, but when it's time to help with the homework or drive the carpool on any given day.

If you can do this, you'll receive two enormous benefits. First, you'll improve your relationship with your kids and offer them the support that they need. And second, you'll undoubtedly improve your own emotional state. Focusing on something other than your own problems will help you heal and move on.

True Stories: Brent Learns to be a Parent

Brent, whose daughter was five years old when he divorced her mother, told the story of how, soon after leaving the family home and finding an apartment for himself, he felt literally overcome by anxiety and depression. The first time he was supposed to have little Shelly for the week-end, he called up and cancelled. "I just couldn't do it," he said. "I was a total basket case." In his own mind, he was a big failure as a dad, and his first reaction was to just withdraw entirely from his daughter's life.

"Fortunately," he said. "I had a friend who'd been through a similar thing. She told me not to beat myself up for not seeing Shelly that weekend. I should still hold my intention and do my level best to get myself together."

Brent did exactly that, and unless he was out of town on business, he kept his weekend visits with his daughter. Ultimately, he did become the kind of father he wanted to be -- present, available, consistent -- and while there were difficulties over the years he was able to keep a loving and caring focus with her.