Many couples find it very useful, in the early part of the divorce, to get help from a marriage counselor. The counselor will be offering not marriage counseling but collaborative divorce counseling. The counselor may work with the two of you together, or may be your own individual therapist. If you and your spouse do see someone together, you may also want to get some professional support just for you.

Finding your way to a collaborative divorce depends on your ability to recognize when it's okay to go it alone and when you can use experienced help. Above all, don't be the victim of false pride. It's not al-ways easy to ask for help, whether it's about the best way to get from point A to point B, or how to best handle personal matters. Try to resist the I can do this myself approach. At this stage of the journey, you're best off looking for the shortest and easiest route through the divorce process, the one that will inflict minimal damage upon everyone involved. Getting help will usually support that effort. After all, if you had been able to sort out your problems on your own, you would not now be divorcing. This is not a judgment of you or your spouse, by the way. Every one of us is unique, and when we put two or more people together, their differences can either complicate communication or make it easier. In a divorce, the issue is nearly always the former.

Experienced professionals have helped others through the process many times and can ease you through it. Having an unbiased third party involved will make communication with your spouse much easier, increasing your ability to resolve issues together.

Through all of it, it's important to stay focused. Your goal is to learn a way of relating to your soon-to-be ex-spouse that will be healthy for your kids. You are not in therapy to get back together with your spouse. Yes, it does happen now and then, but don't confuse your own counseling with couples therapy. What you are doing here is resolving your own core issues that will have serious long-term effects on your children and their mother.

There are lots of other ways that you can take care of yourself, including the old standbys of eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep. Make sure you do whatever works for you, whether it's daily meditation or joining a softball league.

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

In times of crisis, most of us seek out the comfort and solace of our friends. In the beginning, you may be very angry, looking for ways to justify what's happened to your marriage. You need the support of friends and family at this time, but be careful not to abuse their willingness to listen. Family members need to be told, of course, but they don't need an itemized account of your grievances. As one man told me, "I look back on the period of my divorce with genuine regret. What happened is that I not only lost my marriage but a couple of good friendships I really valued. I never should have burdened them with my rants -- and believe me, I really did rant."

Divorce is a touchy subject for nearly everyone. Even the best relationships have a few sharp edges. Your stories can open old wounds, or create new ones, with the friends you share them with. So no matter how much you may want to transform the sour feelings that are lodged in your heart, take a moment to consider how helping you with that work will impact your friend.