In most cases, it's the father who moves out of the family home. The main reason for this is to minimize the disruption in the children's lives, assuming that Mom is the primary caregiver. From the kids' point of view, it is painful to have a parent move out, so make sure that regardless of who leaves the house, you maintain the home base that gives the kids a sense of familiarity and security. This is not always possible, of course. Families may have to downsize to a smaller home or move to another neighborhood or city. But whatever life necessitates, don't ever lose sight of how important it is for children to have the security of a place that feels like home.

If you're the one who moves out, you'll have to deal with the kids' perception that you are the one ending the marriage. The reality is that the children don't need to know who ended the marriage. Placing blame won't bring them any peace of mind, and will tend to create a conflict that can never be fully resolved. Older children might ask you who is to blame, of course. What should you answer? Simply explain that there are situations in life when who's to blame really isn't the issue, and that both of you had your part in causing the deterioration of your relationship.

What else should you discuss with them? The kids don't need to know the gory details of what goes on in private between you and your spouse. Most parents' first reflex will be to spare the kids the details of the divorce, which is appropriate. Never discuss with them anything about your sexual relationship or other truly adult concerns.

There's no point lying to your kids about what's been going on -- they were there. Even children who appear to only have the most rudimentary grasp of language can often determine what's the truth and what's not. Young children won't understand the same issues as the older kids, of course, so you need to gear your conversations with them so that they can grasp what's happening. And very small kids -- infants and toddlers who aren't yet really talking -- don't have the language skills for whatever you tell them to make much sense. Still, give them age-appropriate information if and when they do start asking.

If there has been a lot of tension between you and your spouse, the kids will have experienced it too. And obviously, if there have been other overt problems, such as emotional or physical violence, mental illness, or drug or alcohol abuse, the kids will likely already be aware of this too, no matter what their ages. Kids often feel great relief when the tension is relieved once one parent moves out. That relief needs to be acknowledged along with all of their other feelings.

And don't put down your spouse in any way. If you're very angry, this may cut down on how much you can talk to your kids about their other parent, but it will be well worth it in the long run. Negative talk about your ex will make your kids feel that they're caught in the middle. They'll be learning a lesson of resentment and anger, rather than one of compassion and patience. And they'll see you as someone who's harsh and unforgiving, which is likely to alienate them from you. In short, there's no benefit and a lot of downside to trashing your ex to your kids or in their presence.

True Stories: Kids' Feelings
"I thought my kids were taking the whole thing pretty well," Don told the men's group one evening. "Dianna, my daughter, who's eight, even told me, 'you'll always be my Daddy, forever.' I believed she understood everything I was telling her. But when I went back to pick her up for the weekend, she wouldn't say a word to me. She just sulked the whole weekend."

Many divorced parents have this experience. No matter how under-standing and mature your kids may seem to be, your leaving will cause them to feel abandoned and angry. They'll probably also feel ambivalent as they try to reconcile their anger with the love for you and the sense of permanence that you represent in their lives.

No matter what their ages and levels of maturity, you can count on the kids reacting in a variety of different ways -- sometimes all within a matter of minutes. They are providing you with the information you'll need over the next few months to deal with the transitions you are all going through. Here is a list of just some of the feelings you might expect to hear about:

* relief to be free from witnessing fighting and arguments
* withdrawal and disbelief
* shock
* worry about how their lives will change (one friend who was 5 or 6 when her parents divorced said her first thought was "Who will put me to bed?")
* anger at one or both parents, especially the parent who is leaving the family home * blame towards either parent, but especially the one who is leaving the family home
* shame and embarrassment
* confusion about loyalty to one or other parent
* bewilderment about who to believe when the parents disagree, and
* guilt -- believing they may be to blame for the breakup.

Be prepared and know that the best medicine at this time is to support them in acknowledging and sharing their feelings, regardless of what they might be.

Your kids' difficult reactions don't mean that you should rethink the divorce or consider going back to the family home to assuage their feelings. What it does mean is that you need to listen very carefully to their complaints and their silences as well. Their sense of security, which is so important at this stage of the divorce, will depend on your ability to listen and to let them know that you accept their feelings.