Money is a major issue in most divorces -- just as it is in most marriages. If you're a two-income family, the burden will be a bit easier to handle because in most cases, you'll be sharing the expenses. If you are the main breadwinner, you'll have to start supporting two households -- yours and hers. Clearly, this can be a major financial burden, one that may necessitate some big changes in your lifestyle. This alone may stir up feelings of frustration, anxiety, and anger.

This is the point at which many men withdraw because they feel overwhelmed by their feelings and by the changes in their family structure. Some even abandon their fathering responsibilities. As much as it might seem that you need to cut and run, hang on. Don't bail out on your responsibilities to your family. Sure, you're going to have to do some belt-tightening. And, yes, you may feel resentful if your ex stays in the house and gets to spend more time with the kids and it seems that she has a much nicer life that you have to pay for. Just keep in mind that the home she's living in is also providing shelter and security for your children; the sacrifices you're going to be making are for their benefit. It's also statistically true that for many women, divorce is financially disastrous. Your spouse is probably panicked about how she is going to afford to live and help to support the kids in the long run. The big house may feel more like a burden than a blessing at this transition point. And she's just as emotionally raw as you are about the divorce and the money issues involved. So try to cut her a break wherever you can.

Financial worries can be frightening and distracting. But once again, you'll need to remind yourself to keep your kids on the top of your priority list. Be available to them emotionally. Show up for them a hundred percent.

MONEY AND CONTROL AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR RELATIONSHIP

One of the biggest shocks that men face in the first months of their divorce is how radically their relationship changes with their ex. Suddenly money becomes the main focus of virtually every interaction between you. This is especially true if you have been the major breadwinner and will now be supporting two households. After a while, you'll wonder what happened to the person you once loved and who loved you. Why is it now only about the bucks?

And what about her? She'll be amazed at your seeming indifference to her financial needs. (And if your spouse has been the breadwinner, you'll probably feel the same, in addition to whatever feelings you have about asking her to continue supporting you.) There's a great distance between you now, maybe even a wall that neither of you can scale. One divorcing father admitted after he and his wife spent years working in couples' therapy, only to conclude that they couldn't save their marriage: "I miss part of what we had always shared and can hardly believe the way money has become the only thing we ever discuss anymore ... with every exchange between us turning into a power struggle."

To get past that, you can't sink into self-pity, revenge, and victimization. What divorcing couples find, and what you will have to accept, is that divorcing and living apart create perhaps as many demands as being together -- and when it comes to finances, even more demands.

RESOURCES

Whether or not you hire a lawyer, make sure you get informed. There are lots of useful divorce resources out there, including:

* Divorce & Money: How to Make the Best Financial Decisions During Divorce, by Violet Woodhouse with Dale Fetherling (Nolo). Practical and proactive advice to help you protect yourself and safeguard your financial future. Reduces the financial complications of divorce into comprehensible strategies.

* The Complete Guide to Protecting Your Financial Security When Getting a Divorce, by Alan Feigenbaum (McGraw-Hill). Arms readers with the knowledge and tools they need to make it through a divorce with their financial skins intact.

* Divorce and Money: Everything You Need to Know, by Gayle Rosenwald Smith (Perigee Books). Explains the financial issues involved in divorce and, most important, tells the reader what they can do to better understand their situation and how to take proper action.