Posts: 5

1. A Christmas Story (risque)

   01.Apr.07, 07:33 EDT
   
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   A friend thought this was funny and suggested that I share this e-mail -
   WARNING! There is adult language and themes!
   
   I was going to my company Christmas party that evening, and a good buddy of mine, after suggesting that Scotch is the perfect gift, also thought that I should put the mistletoe on my belt-buckle - here is my response.
   
   Boy, I wish I could, but I went and had myself put in neutral, and the boys are still a little tender! Not sure they could handle that much excitement right now!
   
   Now if Gracie's (my boss) little sister (very hot!) showed up, I might risk it, but otherwise I think I will make them a nice a little warm nest so they are well-coddled!
   
   Scotch! That's a manly drink right there little buddy! You know I won a bottle of really good, really old Dewar's at that Symphony Orchestra and Ballet benefit we went to and I couldn't even drink the stuff! I like a drink that will put hair on your chest, but I'm thinking that stuff will just take it back off!
   
   Speaking of hair, I had a new experience (although I should have called you Rod - I understand your an old hand at this!) [NOTE - he casually mentioned that he shaved himself once just for the fun of it!]. The Dr directed me to shave myself prior to the procedure. Much more difficult and a lot more time-consuming than I imagined! I managed to get the job done, but I was as nervous as a cat in a pen full of huntin' dogs, and just about as tired!
   
   Of course, I have had a host of new experiences this past year!
   
   It started out with this idea of getting clipped. My girlfriend tried the pill, but it was turning her into something neither one of us liked, so we started looking at alternatives. She didn't trust condoms - one of her kids was conceived as a result of confirming that statistical magic, and I didn't really like them anyway.
   I tried looking into the male birth control pill, but while it has been studied for several years, it seems to always be two years away.
   
   We came down to vasectomy - it is by far the least invasive and probably the least expensive method available, while still being possibly the most effective.
   
   Hell, I was ready to take one for the team! So I went to my PCP (they call it "Primary Cary Physician", but I believe it is Latin for "Pay this Cocksucker Phirst!) and after a host of tests and prodding and poking, they deemed me in reasonable health - just needed to get the test results back.
   
   Well, all the tests came back OK, until we get to the PSA, a test that gives an indication of your prostate function. Well, the normal range is 0 to 4.0, and mine comes back like 1.45 - I figure I'm good. But as we are going over my cholesterol and blood sugar and get to the PSA, she says ".....well,  it is well within in the normal range..... well, let's look at last years........ uh-oh! It was .73 last year, which means it has nearly double, so we better send you to the urologist."
   Ah! Another new experience!
   
   Well, Dr Foley introduces himself and then sticks his arm up my ass to his elbow!!!
   He said he didn't like what he felt, I pointed out that I didn't either, and then he said it felt like it was enlarged and hard on one side.
   I asked if that meant I had a cavity and he said no, that he wanted to do a biopsy.
   Are you sure it wasn't my Adam's Apple?
   No, he had done this quite a bit and I told him the next time he did it to me he was going to get quite a bite!
   
   He told me that they would put me to sleep, I told him I would rather live, and he said they could wake me back up, so I agreed to play his little game.
   While checking out with his office nurse, she seemed rather surprised about the anesthesia, and I told her I was surprised when the Dr told me I had a really big one!
   Why are you surprised, I asked,  are folks not usually put to sleep for this? She said well, sometimes the younger ones -
   Hey! That means I'm a younger one!!!
   And she said, oh yea, in this office you are!
   It's more painful for the younger ones.
   Well of course it is. If there were any reason not be a younger one, I would find it!
   
   Well, he put me out, woke me up, told me he was through, and I thought he was kidding! No, we really are through and everything looks fine. You just have a big one.
   
   My first thought - date rape drug. He said everything was fine - hell, for all I know they sat around and drank coffee while I took a nap, saw me starting to wake up, then put on their gloves so they could take them off as I opened my eyes!
   
   My second thought - My urologist, a trained professional with years of experience, said I had a big one! Granted, he was probably talking about my prostate, but I'm not one to put words in someone's mouth, so I quote him verbatim whenever I have a chance.
   
   "My urologist said, and I quote, "You have a big one". End quote."
   
   Well, once I got home that day and the drugs wore off and I tried to sit down, I was finally convinced that they did indeed do something back there......and perhaps left pieces of equipment.
   
   So another new experience!
   
   I finally get over that invasion, so I reschedule for this latest "procedure".
   This time - no twilight sleep. Just a local.
   Hmm, interesting.
   
   It is really very simple. You lay on a cold, metal table in a freezing-ass room, apparently in order to shrink your ball-sack (more Latin!) to the smallest size possible. Don't get me wrong - it isn't uncomfortably cold in the room, because they get the hottest nurse in the office to assist - the warmth provided by the embarrassment of having your package freeze-dried in front of a 20-something blond negates the room temperature.....for the rest of your body - not Bobo or the Boys, but the rest of you.
   
   So anyway, while she holds your dick out of the way, which in this environment, doesn't take two hands, the Dr grabs your shrunken nut-sack, pops it with a needle and inserts some kind of freezing cold drug to "make me more comfortable".
   Again, being a master of the obvious, I point out that I was actually more comfortable before he stuck me with the needle. He said to just wait.
   Wait for wh......son of a bitch!!! He proceeds to separate one teste from its brother, and then places a vice-grip around the base of it to keep it separated. A procedure that works amazingly well - go ahead and try it! You put a vice-grip around one nut and it pretty much stays where you put it!
   
   Once again, immediately after calling the pretty blond nurse "Satan's whore" and putting a hole through the wall directly above my head, I point out that I was truly more comfortable before. I was really pretty certain about it.
   He once again said that he knew what he was doing. I pointed out that was what he said when he lost all of that valuable medical equipment up my ass.
   
   I went on to tell him that I sound like the tin-man when walking down the street, but I think that was garbled beyond comprehension, as he had made his incision and cut the little cord that goes from the boys to Mr. Happy, then proceeded to pull the little cord that went to said left nut and RIPPED IT OUT!!!. Before I could catch my breath, he grabbed the other end of said cord and RIPPED IT OUT of my dick!!!
   Sweet mother of......color-blind son of a......kiss my liberty.....God blessed ....... Sorry - I get patriotic at times like this!
   
   Now, let me point out here that after all was said (mostly me) and done (mostly him), I could not find either end of  this cord laying around. It should have been easy to find as they were both fairly long and made of some kind of conductive material, as there were distinctive, separate electric shocks associated with both events.
   The Dr says that is not the way it is done, and I agreed that was probably true of Dr's that weren't drug-crazed after depleting their own stores!
   
   Anyway, we were only half-way through, and as it turns out, he tells me we did the easy, gentle side first.
   I must have blacked out or something after that, but I did make it through the entire procedure.
   
   And that was the easy part!!!
   
   The bad part is the following 2 or 3 days, after the Dr has taken all of his own drugs and left you are on your own.
   Someone asked me, "so, is it like you were kicked in the balls??"
   Well, kinda, except it is like you are being kicked in the balls, right now, continuously, non-stop, over and over again, repeatedly, ad infinitum, first one, then the other, right in the balls!!!
   
   But I am almost over it now! A jockstrap is good - the boys need a home and don't really like to just "hang out" right now, but otherwise it is pretty much OK.
   
   Of course now I have a hectic schedule of compulsive masturbation to empty the line!
   You aren't "neutral" until the hose has been flushed.
   A strict regime of porn and pounding, that's what the Dr ordered!
   
   What do you want for Christmas little boy? Tissues! Lots of tissues!!!
   
   So, what are you guys doing over the holidays????
   
   
   
   

2. The low-down on the how-down!

   27.Mar.07, 18:55 EDT
   
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   OK, so I took some liberties with the "Social View" general information thing. But come on, it was kind of funny, wasn't it???
   
   Anyway, my name is Dane, and I just turned 47
   
   I was married for 25 yrs to a petite little blond, but sadly it ended a few years ago, however, as a result, I have a beautiful 27 yr old daughter (Mandie) and a good looking son (J-Dawg....but we call him Jake!)
   
   I started working for Planter's Snacks in 1981, and it later merged with LifeSavers, which was owned by Nabisco, which was purchased by Kraft Foods, and now has been sold to  the Wm Wrigley Jr Co.
    We started out making Planters CheezBalls and Corn Chips and stuff, then started doing the LifeSaver Gummis, then CremeSavers, and now we also make Altoids Mints and Altoids Sours.
   
   I started out doing Quality Assurance, then moved into Environmental and Risk Management for several years,  during which I did a little public service work with the Local Emergency Planning Committee, and now that I have gotten older, I have moved into a cushy finance job. OK, I'm more cushy than the job, but the job ain't bad!
   
   Last year I started getting into hiking and whatnot and eventually that lead to caving, which in this part of the woods, requires some rope work, so I am now doing some of that as well. My girlfriend at the time and I both took a 3-day course given by Bruce Smith, one of the authors of "On Rope", the virtual bible of SRT, or Single Rope Technique.
   I have been to fairly amazing places, as this area, known as "TAG" (Tn/Al/Ga) we just about the densest distribution of caves and pits in the world.  About 30 mins from my house there is a cave (Ellisons) with the deepest pit in the US (584'). An hour or so north of here are caves that stretch back 20 and 30 miles underground! It is an amazing world and only wish I had gotten into it 30 years ago when I was Jake's age.
   I have tried to put a few pictures up, but I have more that I need to add and just can't seem to get around to it.
   
   I'm currently single, but I have a ton of friends, a few of which are like family to me, and I am enjoying life  more than ever. We have a lake with a beach, and some have pools, and there is always something to do outdoors, and we have some great little pubs and breweries. This time of year, my favorite place to hang out is "Bert's Big Deck" behind Hair of the Dog. We drink an shoot the shit and watch the tourists wander the streets.
   
   My daughter just got married a few weeks ago (I know! I know! More pictures!), and as a result of that, I became an instant grandfather. Dylan is a precious little 5 yr old and a true little gentleman. I think this is going to be fun!
   
   My son still lives with me, and has done a little caving as well. He has bought most of the equipment he needs, so I am going to rig up a rope in the back and teach him some SRT so he can rappel (and climb back out!) of some of the amazing pits and caves and cliffs we have around here.
   When we are both home (rare!), we still play a little X-Box 360 or PS3, or maybe throw a horror flick in the DVD player. He makes a pretty good room-mate!
   
   Chattanooga has done an amazing job over the past 10 or 15 yrs of revitalizing the downtown area, and being in the bend of the Tennessee River, and it is where everyone goes to hang  out. In addition to some great little bars and places to eat, there is the TN Aquarium, IMAX Theater , Discovery Kids Museum, etc. We have a 10-day festival in early June (RiverBend) where they close Riverside Drive and put up 5 different stages featuring most any type of music you can imagine, all running simultaneously. The main stage is a barge docked on the river bank, but there is antother stage under one of the bridges that plays mostly acoustic, and yet another stage up by the Hunter Museum that plays more eclectic music. It may be a swing band, followed by a ska band, followed by a rock/folk/fusion band. And then they may have celloist play between acts.
   Very cool! And the beer and wine coolers never run out and are always cold!
   
   No, other than the fact that my dishwasher died over the weekend, life is pretty sweet!
    

3. Pryor Springs - what a trip!

   17.Mar.07, 17:19 EDT
   
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   Went to Pryor Springs today with Marty, Jerry #1, and Benjie.
   Man, what a great cave! (I think I have a couple of pictures of it on here somewhere, but I will add more ASAP!)
   We do what is called a "pull-down" through trip - meaning that as you climb down, you detach the rope and pull it down with you for the next rappel. Slightly precarious, as you never know what kind of obstacles you will find at the bottom, and now there is no easy way to climb back out the top, but with a little recon and some forethought, it can be done in relative safety.
   It starts with a waterfall cacading down the back wall of a beatuiful sink While you can climb down by hand to the first drop, we usually rig it just to be safe.
   Of course, all of that water has to go somewhere, and when you get to the bottom, you realize it is only 10' away to the first pit!
   It is a pretty straight forward drop to what you generally find at the bottom of a pit in TAG (acronym for Tn/Al/Ga - major cave country!). The "floor" is slanted and made up of "breakdown" - large rocks, etc, so you do have to watch your footing.
   We followed the meandering stream for a couple of hundred feet to the next drop - only about 10' but  with the waterfall, another difficult comb-down, so we rig it as well. The bottom here is more in keeping with interior pits - a bowl-shaped floor with water. In this case, it was about 30' across and probably knee-deep or a little better in the center.
   Third pit/waterfall is about 45-50' and because of the rigging, you tend to swing in and out of the waterfall - very exhilarating!!!! The bottom here is much larger as well and was waist-deep or better in the center.
   We did a little exploration - there is evidence of usage for salt peter mining, storage usage, etc dating back to the early 1800's. And because of the geological make-up of the cave, there is abundant fossil evidence as well.
   A low crawl (18"+/-) for about 50' leads to more standing passage, however, the passage from this point to the final drop is very well decorated with flowstone,  soda straws, drapery, etc. This is true stream passage, with the water ranging from ankle to waist deep. The stream is probably 8' wide, with "banks" on each side made up of stone, formations, etc. As it meanders it way around, it looks very much like something Walt Disney might build for a "Below the Earth's Surface" gondola ride. Amazingly beautiful and somewhat difficult to believe that it isn't "engineered", but good old Mother Earth at work!
   A lot of formations!
   The final drop is about 60' to another large pool. As this pool is on "ground-level" essentially, there is great deal more air movement, which means being in the 50 degree water takes its toll on you in a hurry (my toes are STILL cold!)
   The passage leading from the last drop is very different - the ceiling is higher, the passage wider, and there is more evidence of prior, historical use of the cave. We also saw several bats, salamanders, and white crayfish in this area.
   We finally come out into a beautiful sunny, albeit chilly afternoon.
   All told, the trip took about 3+ hours and it was just a blast!
   
   Next stop - Cemetery Pit!!!!
   
   

4. So many ways

   14.Mar.07, 20:18 EDT
   
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   Spring is in the air, so I guess change is inevitable.
   I had been drifting along aimlessly for a long, long time.
   Until last year.
   I met a young lady (for the second time, but that's for another tale), and she changed me for the rest of my life.
   Changed me in ways that I'm not sure I even recognize yet.
   So many ways.
   She was funny, and beautiful and so smart it was scary!
   And she had an air about her that was lit with this knowing, yet enigmatic smile, implying she already knew the answers, and she was just enjoying watching you stumble upon the questions.
   She was strong and independent and sexy.
   She had a very strong sense of right and wrong, true and false, black and white. And yet she was very open to the view of others.
   She was the most passionate, and compassionate, woman I had ever known, and yet there were times when she could be the most distant.
   And they were equally alluring.
   She had a a sense of adventure unmatched by very many men I knew, and while many of our adventures found us in some very uncertain circumstances, I have never seen her scared.
   I cannot imagine her scared.
   Protocol was not just the fine print at the bottom of the page. It was put there by people before us, and they put it there for a reason, so you ignore it at your own peril.
   And she lived that too.
   Because she practiced what she preached.
   Literally.
   While she was one of the most capable people I have ever known, it never stopped her from running up and looking over your shoulder to learn how you do a thing.
   And then she would take that thing home and practice it until she mastered it.
   And then she would share it with me.
   More through her actions than through her words, she tirelessly tried to make me better than I am.
   And while she never had much to work with, she succeeded - in so many ways.
   She did things for me, some small, some grand, that were so thoughtful, so sweet, so caring, that I almost wept.
   And yet there were times she could not be bothered to return a phone call.
   She gives new meaning to impulsive - and if you can't or won't join her, it is your loss, for you will miss out on the adventure or any discussion of it - she didn't go to take notes for you.
   She was, without any doubt, with no exaggeration, in ways that could be documented and certified, the most amazing woman I have ever known or in all likelihood will ever meet.
   I loved her.....
   I loved her more, more deeply, on so many more levels, than I even knew before, ways that I had not even associated with love. It was uncompromising, yet undemanding.
   I loved her with all my heart and soul, and while that may sound like a song or a Hallmark card, it was true.
   It's still true.
   And she loved me. Without having to say it everyday, for there was no need for declarations. She loved me and she showed me in both small and grand ways alike.
   And we imagined the adventures ahead of us. With our kids. With their kids.
   I could see it , feel it, it was so real, in so many ways.
   
   And now she's gone.
   
   
   
   
   

5. Good Morning Mr Phelps - the intro

   10.Mar.07, 10:59 EST
   
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   I always liked the way "Mission-Impossible" started - you heard that plain,  calm voice, but you never knew what to expect afterwards - you just knew it would be interesting.
   Not sure I can live up to all that, but........
   
   It has been a whirlwind of activity for the past month or so!
   
   Both me and my Best Caving Buddy had birthdays - she got me some rope, and I got her hang gliding lessons (we'll just have to see if you goes through with it!)
   
   Valentine's Day wasn't  a real big event, being in the middle of the week and everyone working, but she did make me my favorite fudge.
   Then called to let me know that she discovered it was made with the now infamous tainted peanut butter - duh!!!
   
   I've been doing some caving and rappelling - always good exercise for both my fat butt and my head!
   Trying to learn surveying and map-making. I think I will like it - it draws from both my lab-nerd tech side with the data collection, and my artsy-fartsy side with the sketching.
   
   I've gone out a few times to hang with friends and scope out some local bands. I'm loving Dixie Dirt out of Knoxville right now. They opened for the Floating Men, so that was a great night.
   
   My daughter got married a couple of weeks ago - a beautiful girl in a gorgeous gown and a lovely time was had by all.
   Oh, my new son-in-law was there too!
   Just kidding! Josh is a great guy. What I had not considered during all of the commotion was that this makes me a grandfather! But that's OK - I don't think I could have picked a better first grandson than Dylan - what a cool little guy!
   
   My son has gone caving with me a handful of times, and is looking forward to getting on-rope as well.
   
   I'm not in a relationship right now, but I have a number of very, very dear friends that mean absolutely the world to me and that I would do anything for - so don't mess with any of them!
   
   And oh yea! I just got a raise! It wasn't much money, but the recognition was nice.
   
   Actually, right now it is pretty good to be The Dane (sorry -inside joke #7)