I'm having to tear myself away from the pre-Presidential build-up just
to begin following the Olympics. I almost don’t have space in my brain
for The Games, what with football and baseball and the ever-shifting
facts of my own insane life.
Also, most of the events are mad boring, like drills. Non integrated
and specialized. Last night my girl had on synchronized diving, and
that was pretty cool. If gay. But a bunch succession of people
swimming — or running — back and forth? I’m not so into it.

(Having
said all that: It doesn’t take devotee to realize how otherworldly this
Michael Phelps is. Beyond the force and form, here’s what ultimately
blows me away about dude: He’s doing it naturally, apparently. With
each medal-winning performance, I keep conjuring up the last human male
I saw so dominate opponents. Barry Bonds. His early decade at-bats
flashed in my mind. And we all know how that’s worked out [so far].
It’s nice to give Tiger Woods company in the world of [apparently]
clean athleticism. The standout performances of our time need not be
limited to Lance Armstrong, Marion Jones and Steel Curtain Pittsburgh
Steelers. It’s wicked awesome to get that pride in humanity back.)

Around
my crib, at least, there’s a burgeoning debate about what constitutes a
sport? Cuz I ain’t that sure that swimming’s a sport, based on
contemporary definitions. It’s an activity, yeah. But is it really a sport. And beach volleyball. I’m totally into it, but also not really clear on why it has to exist.

The
wifey-to be can’t take softball seriously because of the women’s
bodies. And my 12-year-old son’s mouth hit the floor when he realized
people actually count equestrian
events as sport. Tastes and temperaments aside, what is actually sport,
in the contemporary sense, can indeed be quantified. Any competitive
physical exercise that has multiple dimensions — more than just moving
in a straight line — is a sport.

So, in conclusion: Swimmming? Sorry, not a sport. One hundred meter dash? Not a
sport. 400 meter hurdles?
Yes. Pole vaulting? Oh, fuck yeah. Ya feel me? My point is that these
old school games are awesome for measuring performance. But half the
stuff that’s going on in Beijing simply isn’t of interest. I’m not some
sort of freak.
It would be impossible not to appreciate the stellar work that goes
into the athlete performances. But basically, if I’m watching a woman’s
event, I’m checking out the fit of the uniforms.