My girlfriend is Catholic. I am. Not. Tho I’m really not not (knock, knock!). I’m always irritated about being not, when I really am. What I mean is, if somebody believed that giant sea sponges held a universal intelligence in which all other beings were only a strangely orbiting extension of, would I have to go around defining myself as somebody that didn’t believe in that. When people ask me in that quizzical voice if I don’t believe in God, I say no I believe in giant sea sponges that hold a universal intelligence in which all other beings are only a strangely orbiting extension of, they look at me strangely.

“You mean you don’t believe in that,” I say. Quizzically. At least that way they get to be in the negative camp. Tsk, tsk, sad unbelievers I hum, as I worship at the alter of St. Jacques Cousteau.

But of course being Catholic is not necessarily the same as believing in God, as strange as that may sound. It’s even more so, when you talk about being Jewish. To discuss the obvious horrific comparison, no one was asking Jews as they were being rounded up by Nazis, whether they believed in God or not. Religion is a tradition.

Believers that those who believe in God are stupid (commonly  known as “non-believers”) can get lost in this. Misunderstandings, hurt feelings, inquisitions, and flying stolen 747’s into people working in big buildings can follow.

I’ve never understood why religion needed God. There isn’t one, and it kindof puts your entire product line into doubt, like “lead-paint by number sets” made by corrupt Chinese toy companies. Kings used to run the world, and they were connected to God. Then that connection was severed, and finally Kings didn’t run the world. They’re still around tho. They’re a tradition.

Now the problem with my idea, is that people who are religious generally believe in God;  like men who drive Hummers generally have Viagra in their glove compartments. But it’s not that big (ahem) of a problem. Reason can include in its understanding both the rational and the irrational. Faith can not include reason. I win.

When the Pope came to town, I lost my girlfriend for about a week and a half in the allure of a thousand years of wine, wafer, and a whomp bop-a-lu a whomp bam boo. I wasn’t really worried. I had faith she’d be back.