It's always good to just let your feelings go, but where they go is the tricky part. Though I have many friends and family I confide and trust in, sometimes I just need an outside audiance.

Posts: 18

1. 

   Treating yourself once in a while...

   17.Jun.08, 13:34 EDT
   
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   Nothings changed, well, actually, just a bit of peace maybe.  I had blogged earlier on taking some time apart for me. Originally I needed to sort through my piles and piles of clothes. Do I really need them, Do I really not? (No, I will not share a picture of that with you, lol) but today was just so long and dragged out. I spontanously just wanted to do something I hadn't done in years. Treat myself out. Tomorrow I will be at my youngest Baseball game, wednesday I will be at the diner... sooo, Thursday is open, but lord knows what will happen then.

   It was nice. I smell like Tropical Coconuts :)

   

   I didn't really need the tan, but buy through the week, I had developed a tan line. That is not needed if I plan on getting into a bathing suit. lol.

   Afterwards was the hair conditioning treatment. Yes, my hair was starting to look a bit like the scarecrow, but thank goodness for the coupon eh? She managed to get the tangels out but not first saying the dreaded quote, "your in need of a hair trim" AHHHHHHHH

   

   Yes, I set an appointment for next week, maybe to let it soak in. She will be cutting half an inch off of the ends, shaping it upwards. I have been cutting my own hair for years, needless to say, doing a very bad job of it. I have two dramatic layers. I guess you couldn't tell if it was curly, but you can when I straiten it.

   Anyways. Fix it and move on. lol.

   

   Hee Hee. Under the dryer  
   

   
   
   

   
   Her name was Mel. Melissa Kitchen, very nice person. I'm not use to just talking to someone, but she made me feel comfortable enough I pulled out my cell and took this picture. I told her I was photoblogging. She just laughed.
   

   
   
   
   

   
   By now I'm almost done. lol, and I think she thinks Im funny because I keep taking these pics.
   

   
   
   
   

   
   And now Im on my way home. Im actually at a stop light, but I can see here that my next appointment will be a trip to the dentist. It looks like my crown is getting discolored. Uh Oh, I think I might be going in for a root canal.
   

   
   
   I hope everyone had a smooth monday and if not...

   Here's some Ice Cream! lol
   

   
   

2. 

   Smile First

   11.Jun.08, 10:37 EDT
   
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   Last night my son came over in his new car. new used car. He went from a 1977 dodge ram to a 1994 camero. with t-tops. black. I love it. I haven't been in T-tops since the 80s. He took me for a drive and that thing is loud. Perfect for a teenage boy. He loves it. (I just hope he dosen't think he's Mr. Speed Racer in it.)
   

   
   We decided to go to get ice cream at the local ice cream shop. I knew this girl I had previous conflict was going to be there but we supposely made amends. The last time I saw her I thought she was ignoring me and I had this struggle of guilt for how I treated her. I thought she still had a problem with me. I learned to deal with it. Anyways, The drive was fantastic, although he could use his breaks a bit more sooner. He's the type of person that needs to get up and go. We think he has a bit of ADHD but we never diagnosed it for fear they would tell us to medicate him. We worked with him as parents and the school placed him in a class that geared towards teaching students more on a one on one basis. It really helped. Then he met this girl he dated for a year that pushed him into trying harder in school. Even though they broke up, I think she influenced him alot in this area and I am glad. He was just starting to become depressed because he was struggling in the education. anyways, I went off base.
   

   
   So when I went up to the counter to order, I noticed she was working and she would be the one to place the order. I did get a bit uncomfortable because I just didn't know how she still felt about me. So needless to say, I was waiting for an additude. The thing is though, I don't want to be remembered as that. you know, a b**ch. Simply over an ex. (our conflict was due to him.) If I want to start being a christian, I need to start acting like it, and one way is to stop being a snob when I have had confict with people from the past. So I smiled, and I said I liked her new hair cut.
   

   
   You know, she really isn't that bad of a person, she was very nice and we held a short conversation. It relieved me to know that she isn't that mad at me and I could still be able to say hello. It's not that I want to be her best friend, she's a party sort of girl, its just, I don't want people to continue to think I was a b**ch. Part of that probably is my fault though. It really dose matter how you treat people. Not everyone will be as forgiving and understanding as some. My best friend will still be nice to people who are jerks. She's just an uplifting person, I need a little more work though, but through this short experience, It did hit me. I need to be the one to smile first.

3. 

   Thunderstorms

   10.Jun.08, 11:12 EDT
   
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   Last night we had a Thunderstorm. ummm. Several thunderstorms, most of the night. At first I found it comforting to listen to the voice of God, then he got a bit scary as the storm was getting closer. You could hear the Thunder very close it made you wonder if you should head for the basement just in case of Tornados. We didn't.

   We were 15 minutes into the storm talking about how my mother use to get really freaked out during these times. Now she's calm as a cucumber sowing the back end of a pillow. Our conversation was interrupted by a blown transfusion (I'm assuming) that left us in the dark. For a couple of hours. We scrambled to find candles and flashlights and settled down waiting for light to reappear. quiet. we both laid on separate couches dealing with the humidity because the fans were no longer active. I was a bit angry. First I was annoyed I had to jump off the computer because of the storm, now I had to wait until power regained even though it wasn't thundering anymore. But what I was most annoyed was information I had heard earlier and sitting there, in the quietness, bored, humid, just didn't make it better to not think about it.

   Idk, I shouldn't be upset. I knew this would happen, but I guess I just had hopes. It was with the guy I am friends with... Just recently decided that's the way it should be. My cousin called letting me know she knew him after she spotted him on myspace in my top friends. She wanted to know how I knew him and that he was hitting on her a week ago. at a bar. and asking her if she has sex with her shoes on.

   why are men such jerks? Is it just me or do I just happen to meet men that are shallow and think nothing but sex. I don't even know why I got so angry and sitting in the dark just made me angrier. Were not even dating. He's not really all that, and he's still married (currently going through a divorced, but yes, still married.) So why did this bother me?

   Even though it stormed all night eventually it went away. And even though it scared me just a little, I regained strength by not thinking about it. It was during this time of thoughts that I realized, My Storms are just like nature's storms, and this one seems to go on forever, so is the one I am currently in. As easy as it was to gain courage by refocusing on positive activities, the same as it should go with my letdowns of men. I didn't get mad because he had hit on my cousin, I didn't even get mad that his form of flirting was asking her if she had sex with her shoes on, I got mad because he flirts with me (he never asked anything pertaining to sex though, I think its because he knows Im a christian.) and he's placing me in the same game. He doesn't think of me as a friend, He thinks of me as game. And yet, I sit and hope I am someone special when I should realize, this isn't fairy tale, and he is not my knight in shining armor. My Prince isn't going to come, at least not right away, so what should I do?

   Just like the other princess that waited for thier beloved hero, they kept themselves busy. They knew he was coming, but they didn't look out the window every five seconds. He just came. My focus needs to be redirected. I need to get my butt back in school. I need to stabilize a firm foundation under my feet. I need to have a stronger walk with Christ.

   I need help.

   Sometimes its easier to go through the rain with just an umbrella, other times, it's just not rain but thunder and lighting as well. That's when you should seek shelter. I need God as my shelter right now.

4. 

   In this moment.

   28.May.08, 08:58 EDT
   
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   I wanted to pull down the drapes, but he said to leave them up.
   It was too dark inside.
   

   
   I am 12. I want to hide in my room. Under my blankets. away.
   

   
   I didn't feel like talking, but he said it was good for me.
   Im a nutcase.
   

   
   I asked him why did he have to leave?
   he had his reasons. Then he asked me Why dose it matter you live for him?
   When you should live for me?
   But it matters that he left,
   because they all leave.
   Though I am still here.
   But it matters that he's not here
   because now I feel alone.
   But your not because I'm still here.
   

   
   Okay. Your here.
   But help me understand,
   Why didn't he love me enough to just stay?
   Even if he didn't love my mother?
   

   
   no answer.
   

   
   and for one moment I saw in his eyes.
   and I thought
   
   Okay. God, in this minute I choose rest with You. I will not let my mind go to the minutes that are coming. I will simply be in this moment and face it with peace.
   
   

   Then I got to breathe.

5. Uninvited Guests

   27.May.08, 10:13 EDT
   
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   Yes I am weak.
   I spent Monday with an unwelcomed visitor. Though the sun was bright and the day was meaningful, I spent Monday in a selfish, depressing mode.
   
   Though I told him I didn't want him around.
   He was still there.
   I think he grew because now he was stronger.
   

   I told him he wasn't welcomed.
   But he brought a friend.
   Actually a few.
   

   I figured I was safe with my sister and mother
   But he butted in
   And interrupted my conversations.
   
   

   I thought if I lay down and tried to hide from him
   He would go away.
   He crawled into bed with me.
   
   

   They were not my friends. They are not my friends. And though I said no to Rejection, he did not listen.
   
   I should have been smarter. I should of called back up.
   I should of called on Christ.
   But I thought I was stronger. I thought I could handle him on my own.
   Big mistake.
   Because then Monday I had to fight with bitterness, confusion, and loneliness.
   
   

   (*Big Sigh*)
   
   

   These are not my fights.
   Lord help me.
   These are not my friends.
   Lord help me.
   I do not want them,
   Why won't they go away?
   I didn't ask them to come over,
   How did they become stronger than me?
   Lord, please help me.
   
   

   It is Tuesday and I am realizing, I should of asked Christ over. He would of taken care of them.
   But I didn't, and I am now.
   Because Monday, I missed out on a beautiful day.

6. Waiting to Exhale

   27.May.08, 00:32 EDT
   
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   (Text) How was the game? I missed you (Sun. night, 12:40 am)
   

   
   (no response.)
   

   
   (Text) Hey, whatz up? i missed your calls yesterday. I txt you late last night but i was tired and lazy and txt i missed you and i wanted to say i missed your calls. lol anyways you must of had a good time because i didn't get any pics from you. too bad i missed you coming through town. i wished i would have heard from you earlier. (1:16pm. Mon.)
   

   
   (tired and lazy... not starting out as a good sign...)
   

   
   (No response.)
   

   
   (Text) I hope your not mad at me
   
   (Text) No. Its fine.
   

   
   (Text) do you work today at the restaurant?
   

   
   (No response.)
   

   
   (Text) Are you mad cause you really really wanted to see me?? :) Is that it?
   

   (No response. Did his head just get big and how dumb can one be?)
   

   
   (Text) No. Just disappointed. But its fine.
   

   
   (Text) I know your disappointed but i have not heard from you earlier in the day. i did not know you were still coming. so i started to party with my brothers. i usually dont check my phone as much once i crank the jams up.
   

   
   (what? are you serious? how did this become my fault?)
   

   
   (Text) Fine. But if u say call me when u get in town... then u should know. And if u dont... Then u know how 2 call as well. I just think its uncool even if we r just friends.
   

   
   (Text) You have a valid  point. I wish i would have checked my phone.. i accept my responsibity for this and im sorry.
   

   
   (no response)
   

   
   (Text) Gina, let me make it up to you. next time your up this way i will take you someplace nice and you will forget about yesterday. ok?
   

   
   (Text, about 2 hours later.) No. I don't think so.
   

   
   (Text) Just think about it. ok?
   

   
   (no response)

    

    

   It's not that I was hoping for a summer romance, its just that I really hate being stood up. No phone call for two days, no phone call on that day. Yea, I know I said were just friends, but even I don't do that to friends.
   

   
   But I had to think, did I really get mad because he stood me up, or did I get mad because I started to have feelings for him? He was actually starting to seem like he would be a good guy, funny, educated, handsome. Even though he is a Gemini and I am trying really hard to not follow the sun signs in my dating decisions. I really am trying to rely on God, but I know for a fact Geminis are not good for me. (weather the are good or bad.)
   

   
   I drank a bottle of wine last night. I tried to not think about it. I couldn't. I cried in the bathroom. Im tired of dating. Im tired of being open just a little bit just to be let down. Im disappointed. Im hurt. and Im tired.
   

   
   After he said let me make it up to you, I thought about it. maybe Im being just a little over dramatic. Stubborn if you will. Thats not how I should be. but then, logically, i thought, the guy just got out of an 8 year marrage. He has made it known that its always just been her and how she never allowed him to have friends. He's got 16 friends on his myspace and all are girls. (He just opened the account.) These are signs. These tell me that he's not looking for a relationship, he's looking for fun. He wants to date because he's always been with one girl.
   

   
   This tells me Im gonna get hurt if I think there's anything in a future with this guy, I need to back out now. Its hard for me to have a male friend, especially if I start to have feelings.
   

   
   So I said no. I dont think so.
   

   
   Im just tired of holding my breath. Im tired of hopeing on someone, being patient of hope, and Im tired of waiting to exhale.

7. 

   A date with the Cable Guy

   21.May.08, 14:20 EDT
   
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   I just have to blog about this. Recently I have learned that my friend has a date with the cable guy. Its sound kind of funny but then God has a sense of humor. She has finally ended a bitter and nasty divorce yet won custody of her two young children. Though the three have gone through a lot with the ex, they are stronger than they have been before when he was in the picture. I think it's safe to say he was NOT a good husband and an even worse father. He has lost rights to the children and they are now healing. (So mind you, she isn't exactly looking.)
   
   The humor was her counselor giving her advice to jump back into the dating scene. (yea, I don't think so) She told him (emphasis) no thank you. Her feelings were if God wanted her to be in a relationship, then he would let it happen.
   
   I agree.
   
   Yesterday's book/bible study made me realize that God speaks to us in different ways. And though I am still learning, I am starting to understand his language. I pride myself on having strong emotions, yet it's those same emotions that have gotten me into all sorts of trouble. (I guess I lack logic ) Being single has left me in a rollercoaster of a ride and I'm not real sure I like the feelings it gives me. I struggle everyday to be content on singleness, yet some days are better than others.
   
   When my friend shared in her news, I was excited for her. She explained how they met and how giddy she feels about him. (awwwe.) How the counselor's response was that men weren't going to just pop up at her doorstep (pertaining she had to be the one to go out and get them) and yet, the cable guy happened to be this cute, single, Christian man that popped up (and saw her at her worst no doubt.) at her doorstep. Wow God, you do have a sense of humor."
   
   
   Remember a while back I wrote a blog on how women are diamonds. (Maybe you don't remember so let me refresh.) This is what I believe. Diamonds shine, sparkle, and explode light. They accent brilliance or just can be simply beautiful alone. But Diamonds don't move. They don't just pop up on someone's finger. That person has to go out and choose a diamond. That Diamond had to come from somewhere. That Diamond came from being discovered, founded, and taken care out of a mine…by a miner. See. Women are like diamonds. You're valued more when someone "discovers" you. Because through the hard work, careful thoughts and delicate handlings, you come to appreciate the diamond (woman) and thus, the diamond (woman) is able to accent you just a little bit more.
   
   
   I don't believe in chasing after a guy, but some people don't have a problem with it. I only choose not to do that because I believe that God has a plan for me. (Plus I seem to pick out dead ends.) When I go chasing after someone, I am jeopardizing God's plan. I do, on the other hand, believe in praying about a guy. I have prayed several times for if it isn't so then take him away. (All gone.) I believe that God is still working in me and is probably why I am not ready for a commitment (I think.) But then when I figure God out, he goes and changes plans on me. Lol. But there's nothing wrong with me being picky, I have to make sure this is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with.
   
   
   The thing is, first question she asked him after he asked her on a date was Are you a Christian?
   
   That's my problem. I spend time looking for someone when I should just stop and wait. I spend time wanting to be apart of they're life I lose mine, I lose God. (Im talking more of the serious relationships.) I settle. sometimes for less.
   
   I'm not asking when I meet someone the right questions. I am compromising to who he is and not looking to God asking Him, Is he right for me? That's not how I want to be loved, (a compromsing love,) I want him to love me for who I already am. A brilliant Diamond. I understand two people have to work through times of conflict, but there's a difference between jeopardizing your morals/beliefs and two people not agreeing on the color of furnature. If you asked me to rob a bank Im not gonna say yes, then why say yes to anything else I don't believe in?
   
   I really need to just stick with the people that I choose to date who have the same beliefs as I do.
   For starters;
   <blockquote>no smokers
   Bar hoppers are out
   and most important, a believer in Christ. (Even if he is just a newbie)</blockquote>
   I have a lot of learning to do, and waiting.

8. Mold me

   18.May.08, 13:16 EDT
   
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   When we get married for the first time, there's this new, exciting, adventurous moment in our lives. We are more willing for the other person, more open, more giving. We look forward to bright skies and blue moons. Things are seen in a new life. A new hope. But when we get married for the second time, there's a wall of protection. A wall of experience and therefore, we become just a little less willing. It's like we mold ourselves to the first marrage. We become a part of the person, (like we're suppose to be.)
   
   Then divorce makes us more protective. Aware, influenced. So when we fall in love the second time, we have more of an expectation. We start forming in our minds what we want from the other person, when the first time we were willing to take them how they were. We start forming what we don't want, what we look for. I'm not so sure if but dosen't sound like we start forming love the way we want it? I started to notice this when talking to several divorces. Thier lives, thier stories, shares and cares, turmoils and heartaches. Next time Im not gonna... Next time he has to be... etc. etc.
   
   Don't get me wrong, if you read my profile, I even have expectations. Until I talked to one other who was exactly not what my profile said, and yet, he wasn't a bad guy. There is nothing wrong with forming an outline of what to look for, if's you use it as a guideline, not a rule. Sometimes rules can keep you from missing out on fun, but then, rules are made for protection. But guidelines give you an outline to form into, instead of missing a chance of a really great person.
   
   I think God also see's us as this. As he tries to mold us, we have to be willing to be molded. If we over drink, we become a personality of a drunk.
   That is being molded.
   If we volunteer alot, we become a personality of giving.
   That is being molded.
   
   Having God in our hearts just molds us as a better person. Who wouldn't want that? But when you've been divorced, (married to the world,) sometimes it's hard to allow God to mold you.
   
   but you still should try.

9. Just Blowin Off Steam

   17.May.08, 00:23 EDT
   
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    Oh its been one interesting day. If it wasn't for me wanting to be a good person, I could probably just be real nasty.

   First of all, I had to travel to toledo for a 4 hour cpr class.
   
   

   
   

   
   How stupid is that. This is mandatory, but for some reason, they are not coming onsite and they are not paying for milage. go figure. So I carpool for the sake of gas being $4 a gallon and we make it there 5 min before where suppose to be. 2 people arrive late, 1 person was earlier than we were. All of us signed in at the same time. (go figure. wish I was late.) At least they had coffee there, and they even kept it filled. :)
   

   
   
   

   
   2 hours of driving, at no pay. My company sucks.

   anyways, moving on. I was just excited to go home early.
   Spent the rest of the day on the computer until the mother/daughter banquet.

   It was a nice set up. Simple and elegant yet colorful.
   

   
   
   

   
   My emotions have been a little wrangled today. I have really been struggling on not buying into a bad attudude. This mornings rebellion placed me in a battle of doing the right thing. I really just feel like quiting on Wackenhut but that wouldn't be the right thing to do. I went, even though I disaggreed with the company on so many levels. Not only did I have to battle rebellion but also had to make sure I did it with a smile. (I think I might of failed at this part. It seemed like the instructor was going on and on and on, not to mention picking me out alot in the group for example use.)
   

   
   Then you would think it would be over after that but I talked to my ex about my son's new tattoo.
   

   
   He wanted to know if I was upset, (he's 17 still.)
   

   
   honestly, what I say really dosn't matter, and besides, it's his heart Im more concerned about. Not his body.
   

   
   Oh, he had to be a jerk and tell me the majority of my son's problems is me. (great. so why isn't my son telling me this?)
   

   
    I need to remember that he's still hurt from the past and he still remembers me as how I use to be. My concern shouldn't be how he thinks of me but how my son thinks of me. I'm still gonna try on being the best mom I can be even if I don't know how.
   

   
   I get on mypace and they'res this application I have for fun. Its based on buying friends. I started out as buying several friends, then buying my friend's friends. I hadn't realized but one of the friend's friends I was buying was getting upset at someone for constantly buying this guy. Umm. okay. I bought him again. It is what the game is right?
   

   
   later on I had noticed he was bought off of me so I went ahead to purchase him.  Oh, she was really getting upset at this person who kept buying him. (Umm. Would that be me?) I hadn't caught on because its just an app. Its what ur suppose to do to earn more money and be worth more. I want people to buy me. (I guess she wanted to own him.)
   
   anyways. I said a simple little note in his nickname area. (also where she kept telling the buyer (me) to back off.) but first I had to take check on how this annoyed me so much. I really just wanted to tell her off, to stop being a child and if she didn't want him to play the game tell him to take it off. Its not my problem she's insecure.
   

   
   but then, that wouldn't be very christian now would it? (Oh this is hard trying to be a good person.)
   

   
   so I didnt. I just told her it was a myspace app and that's what the game is suppose to be. No hard feelings.
   

   
   she really didn't care. stop buying her man because her man belonged to BERTHA.
   

   
   Ooo righty then.
   

   
   lol.
   

   
   Honestly, Im not on this too cause trouble and I MUST remember that. Besides, I checked out his profile, its filled and covered with skulls and everything from the pits of hell. Yea, I really want her man.
   

   
   anyways. moving on.
   

   
   after the banquet my mom suggested to get some ice cream. I though Ice cream would be a great ending for such a long a dramatic day. but I hadn't realized that it was closed. Actually, I wasn't paying attention. Then while I was waiting at the window for the server, I realized it was a girl my ex fooled with while we were broke up. I had a lot of hard times getting over that even though it was during the breakup. They had remained friends when we got back together and I couldn't help but feel threatened. So I didn't treat her very nice. We eventually made up, but I don't think that was ever forgotten. She didn't acknowledge me, and if anything, I think I was ignored. I think after 5 minutes of standing there I realized she wasn't going to the window, and what she was doing was cleaning the server area. She didn't even go to the window to tell me they were closed. I even asked throught the window but I have to assume she didn't hear me.
   

   
   no problem. sorry for the inconvience. The thing is though, my emotions started playing on me again. why did I have to be so nasty with her. It wasn't really her fault my ex acted like a lovesick puppy dog whenever she was around. I was very insecure with myself and I was trying so hard to be a person he wanted me to be. (Oh, it didn't work.) I started to realize on the drive home, I really need to start working on my personality. I need to start trying to be nice even if I don't feel like it or if I don't think the other person derserves it. Uggg, Life is soo much harder when you have so many mixed emotions.
   

   
   I started to feel a bit of rejection. then shame. I had to place myself back in check and remember, I did try in that relationship, and I am a better person since it. I shouldn't expect everyone to like me even if we did say "don't worry about it" because still, our actions are louder than words.
   
   Uggg.
   

   
   I think Im just lonely, and I really need to work on that. I don't think I should be in any relationship until I have figured myself out.
   

   
   Ugggg

10. 

    just one sappy woman

    15.May.08, 08:30 EDT
    
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    That was a month ago's blog picture. I photoshoped it. Pulled in some color,(pinks) tried to lighten the shadow to show the shaded ground. I think I did okay.
    
    So I went to bed at 8 last night. Idk, I laid on the couch for a bit and waited for the Simpsons to pop on. When finally they did, I was in and out of it. That's when I knew I needed to take a nap, which turned into an early night in.
    So, I never got my camera hooked to the computer to download yesterday's blog pics.
    If your like me, visual is good with words. I wanted to show you the rain.
    Kinda feel like I let you down.
    
    Riding on E today, 6 bucks in the glove box for gas, and tomorrow's the day I ride to toledo. (an hour away from here.)
    Spent the morning just praying. please help me find a job in tiffin. Gas is rising like noah's flood and I just can't hang in there anymore. It's still suppose to go up? yes.
    
    Okay.
    
    Yesterday, I got a text. From a very good friend of mine that use to work here. He's moved on to the CocaCola businessf (HR) and still remains in the Body Building area. (So he looks great.) But he's just a good friend.
    We made plans to take time to hang out soon in Columbus but wasn't sure what weekend. I, of course, was very excited. I've always wanted to develope a closer friendship with him and hope it would evolve into more, but I was always 50 feet emotionally safe because I knew he was going through a divorce, having an affair with another girl from in here (when he was here, I don't think anymore) and learned online he had a baby but wasn't told to me by him. So needless to say, were good friends but not close friends. Of course he's attractive, but my turn ons always goes to the heart than the veiw.
    He sends me a text wanting to know if I want to cuddle. A text with a picture. A picture of him.
    nude.
    (no head shot)
    and his hand covering his "area"
    
    o.m.g.
    
    Honestly, Im sure that any woman would be turned on, it's not like a grotest picture. He's nicely built with sharp curves accenting the muscle areas. The lighting must be hitting all the right areas giving his skin a smooth chocolate-carmel color. It was like some work of art.
    But Im not that woman.
    That's not what I want.
    
    Haven't you read my profile?
    Haven't youv'e been reading my blogs?
    
    I want to change. I want to be a christian. I already have a hard time with men, what makes you so different?
    
    Yes, I was a bit distressed. This crosses the line a bit. It went from flirting to sexual. I already struggle on holding myself back because I know how emotionally attached I get, I thought I was safe with his friendship.
    I think if we talked more, shared more of our feelings, knew eachother's lifestyle more, I might of wanted this. idk. Im not suppose to, but Im still human, I probably would of.
    But the thing is, That's not what turns me on. I don't care if your body is sculpted like some greek roman god, or if you have a face of an angel. What turns me on is how you are in the heart. How you veiw me in your heart. What I want is your heart, not your body.
    Blah Blah Blah
    That sounds like what a sappy women would say. lol
    
    What have I turned into? Instead of a sexual crave addicting moran, Im now a sappy heart wrenching moran.
    
    Then I thought...
    NO.
    That's not what I want. I know how I get, how I am. I know I would fall easily for him, I would want him more, wish for him more, consume all my thoughts on him. I know that's NOT what he wants.
    
    so. while I am trying to be strong, he want's to know my answer.
    
    I told him no. not a good time.
    
    what about the picture?
    
    oh. idk. I will respond on that later.
    
    send me an email on myspace.
    
    Great. Can't get out of this one. went home, went to bed. no computer time. saw on my email messages I have one new message
    yes, from him.
    
    if I want to read it I need to log in.
    
    great. cant get out of this one.
    
    I'm not real sure I want to be his friend anymore.

11. Company Policies

    14.May.08, 10:12 EDT
    
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    What a God aweful day. Rain Rain Rain. Honestly though, I don't mind. Just that when the rain hits you, its cold.
    
    Yesterday, work pist me off. (of course.) More determined now to find another job since now I've started a second job just to pay for the 4$ a gallon gas this summer. (Hopefully not $5.) I don't mind so much the second job, or even the drive here, but the attudide of higher up. You guys stink. Your office is an hour away and I can still smell you from here.
    
    I have to go to Toledo. CPR Training. Friday. I have to ride with another person which is just fine. I knew this a month in advance. fine. But my supervisor told me my milage would be paid. He has just informed me that he was informed, my company dose not pay milage.
    
    stink #1
    What?!?  I have to pay for my own gas at 4$ a gallon for CPR when earlier this year she came onsite and gave 3 others CPR Classes but didn't have me take them? Why didn't I take them then if it was a nessisatity? (BS)
    
    stink #2
    I already went to toledo (on my vacation) to take fingerprints because the ones on file where not avaliable.
    
    stink #3
    I don't get sick days nor personal days so Im always getting written up if not paying for a $50 doctors fee just to be able to turn a slip in saying I have the flu and having it as an excusable day off.(BS)
    
    yea, that's too many stinks in one blog. I have more, but why complain. Just find another job. (remember gina, its just a job. not a life, not a career.)
    I just need to be stable on it. I can't just quit because my company dosn't have a heart, it is paying for the child support, it is paying the car loan, my student defults, and garnashiments. It is giving me the money to pay for gas... oh wait, that was what the second job was for.
    
    I still think it's B.S. and I think I may need to call the auditor and ask him if it's company policy that they do/do not pay for my milage. He was the one that said, "your not getting paid for eating behind your desk?"
    That's 2 years, 3 times a week, at 9.75 overtime. That was a good check hee hee.
    
    anyways.
    
    I leave it up to God for help.
    

12. venting

    08.May.08, 09:38 EDT
    
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    number one complaint from all drivers; if gas prices go any higher you might as well consider me out of a job.

    Im not sure how economy is suppose to get better if cost to go out to eat is rising, gas prices are high but my job wont give me a raise or cost of living. (I have a job that dosnt care about its employees anyways) or how about that stupid rebate check? You still have to pay it back!? Oh, mine is going strait to student loans.
    
    
    number two. I am really get sick of being single. although I have made a commiment to myself to longer look, it seems that I am not going to ever meet anyone. Then to poke further into my wound, I get to see my exboyfriend holding hands with his current girlfriend. Im not sure how to feel, I should be happy for him, but im not. How is it he treated me like crap and he can so easily replace me. but then, I think I make it difficult on myself to ever fall into a relationship.
    
    
    
    number three. work work work. Trying to change a career is like trying to pry a monkey out of a bananna tree. Holding on to the job I have while all others are getting laid off left and right, I shouldn't complain, but Im not sure how it's evening out. Driving over 45 miles to get to, costant oil changes, and child support taken out, I pay to work. work dosen't pay me.
    
    
    All in all, I think I think too much. I think about other ppl, I think about finances and I think about emotions, I need to relax and just take it day by day. Grin and bear it, and walk with one foot in front of the other. If anything, there is hope in knowing that when the student loans are paid off, I can go back to school and get a degree in photography, so that I can no longer say "amature learning." Eventually I will find a job closer to home, and eventually I will meet the man of my dreams. Im just grateful that I have parents to help me out, actually having the car to take me back and fourth (that would really suck to not have one.) and not being in that sucky relationship with constant bitterness and degrading. I should be happy that she has him and not me cause lord knows he drove me nuts with emotional abandonment and disrespect.
    
    And I should be happy for the mornings first cup of coffee.
    
    
    so, Im just venting to let go. as opposed to bottling it up.
    

13. 

    First Love

    28.Apr.08, 11:39 EDT
    
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    Recently I read a blog from a friend I found to be worthy to share. Most of it I can relate to, but everyone has a story.
    
    Currently Listening
    The First Cut Is the Deepest
    By Sheryl Crow
    see related
    Latest Updates from k8tthelate

    
    
    First Love

    I got asked some time ago by a young lady to tell about my 'first love'.  I sort of balked over this-I assumed she didn't mean Mark Phillips, who I shared my first kiss and my lunch with in first grade. While Mark was a really great guy and I will forever be indebted to him for showing me the joys of pickle juice on vienna sausages rolled in bread, I don't think he was what she had in mind.  Personally, I think he should count. Between the two of us, we spent countless hours in Fr. Patrick's office for various and imagined infractions, shared our play-doh with each other and when we refused to rat each other out, we both ended up standing in corners.  How much closer could two crazy kids in love be? He counts I tell you, he count

    But no.
    She means the real deal. The hard stuff

    And it is the hard stuff. Trading lunches and sharing play-doh leads to sitting together, note passing, crushes and bracelet trading when you go with someone. And yet somehow it all still doesn't prepare you for that first hard kick-in-the-gut-take-your-breath-away love. The grown up stuff. The kind where if he needed a heart transplant you would of died on the spot and said 'take mine-really I'm not using it'.
    Ok, so maybe that's not so grown-up, but I'll bet a lot of you know what I'm talking aboutI was nineteen when I stood on the stairs of the student center at college and took my heart out and offered to a man. Not just any man, but one I had dreamed about for a long, long time. He was perfect. H e was beautiful. Men don't like to be called that, but there was no other word for it. (I have a sketch book somewhere that is filled with him-his eyes, his mouth, his arms, his hands-esp. his hands. He was beautiful and for some reason he seemed terribly pleased to meet me. I was terribly pleased to meet him too...and horribly embarrassed. I was a very small country girl and a very shy one. He towered over me and was completely at ease. He made me feel awkward, silly and very safe.

    My friends, feelings will lie to you

    He was older than me and already out of college and working. I still had no idea what I would even major in, much less what career I would have or even what kind of life I wanted for myself. But I wanted him. And I was way out of my league.

    My family was very poor. His was not (much to his credit-he never mentioned it). I was very, very sheltered and naive and he was not (to his credit, he

    mention that).  There was not going to be a happy ending to that story. But lord, I tried.

    That's been a very long time ago. Time has an odd way of doing things to your memory. I remember some things- the way his laugh sounded (he had the best laugh), but not the sound of his voice.& nbsp; The spot where he was most ticklish, but not what I did to make him angry (how I tried over the years to remember what I did wrong...) and I remember the scent of his hair, but not the clothes he wore.

    After he left me, I heard he married. Tho I did not know her, I hated that woman with every fiber of my being. Oddly enough when I heard years later they divorced, I hated her again for hurting him, for not being good enough for him.

    For not being better than me after all.
    
    And after all those years, the one thing that reassured me at least my heart was in the right place, was the fact that when I heard this, I didn't once

    not even for a moment-think it served him right or he had it coming. I had loved him. It wasn't all a fuzzy bad dream, it wasn't my imagination, it was love. I had been young, but I had given it my best shot, no matter how misguided.  I might of gotten some things wrong, but I got the love part down right. For some reason, after almost 30 years, that was good to know.
    
    So first loves don't always pan out. But they can set you on the right path. And if not, then you can always fall back on pickle juice on vienna sausages rolled in bread.
    
    Or not.

14. The Process of Change~ Butterfly Style

    18.Apr.08, 13:28 EDT
    
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    I didn't become more of a pleasant person by nature, I had to work hard at it. 10 years ago the world was revolved around me. Its human to be a little selfish, Its what eve did when the moment before she bit into the apple. Its what Adam did when he wanted took the apple to bite into. Then the recognization began followed by change.
    
    I recognized I was a bitter person due to past events, I recognized how it hurt my family and friends were not many. But I thought this is just who I am. People need to know that.
    
    If the butterfly did not accept that it needed to hide away to transform, it would of never changed to beauty. Its wormy figure would consistanly inch its way on the ground instead of beautiful graceful flights with mesmerizing colors. God intended for the butterfly to grow to beauty as he has with us. But sometimes we need to hide away. We need a moment to transform and we need to recognize, we are all butterflies made to flutter.
    
    Now I see that struggles will always be there, but I am a more beautiful person to not allow bitterness to rob me of flight, and inching my way through life wasn't what god wanted me to do, he wanted me to be free.
    Like the butterfly.

15. regret or release?

    15.Apr.08, 13:06 EDT
    
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    one week.
    
    it shouldn't really effect me anymore, but it still dose. there are so many reasons to release so many emotions, but i just can't seem to remember what they are. I just miss saying hello, but then we only said them for a moment. and I miss holding him at night, but then i wasn't really suppose to do that until after I was married. I miss making or trying to make dinner, but then most of the time I couldnt afford it. I miss visiting him, but then it was me always going his way.
     
    he did have some cute moments, i loved the first time we were out on a date, but it was awkard the second and the third. I loved it we would watch a movie together, but i just didn't like so much of the smoking. I loved he never got angry at me but then i always felt like i couldn't express how i really felt.
    
    maybe its just my nature to want to hold on. maybe im just learning to release when it dosen't seem to be a good situation. I ran away from my problems alot, it just seem to be the easiest thing to do. It was either that or drink, but then, there's facing the problem too. I had to make a decision, I had to face the problem of being with someone and not being able to express how i felt, being someone's girlfriend but not actually feeling like it and being content with his lifestyle when it was against how I wanted to live, or I could express how i felt about everything, let him go, and move on.
    
    Honestly, it was hard. It took me a couple of weeks to come up with a decision, only because I didn't know if it was all emotion. I wasn't sure how to think logically. It wasnt until i did see his current sites on his address bar that confirmed to me, he's still looking. ohhh, ive been down this road before. Im just a release to him as i was to my ex. It wasn't anything serious, that's why i don't get the late night conversations and the deep emotions that I long for when Im called a girlfriend. Because in sence, Im the girlfriend that sexually releases him.
    
    This is where I kick myself, and I kick him.
    
    Sometimes you just need a good jackass to kick you into reality. Not everyone feels the same way I do, and not everyone dreams the same dreams I do. When words don't align with actions, I should know this stoff. Its not the first time I've been down this road. I know when someone really cares for a person, when thier placed heavily in thier heart. When thier thoughts are consumed by this person and when this person has a deep authentic desire to wanna further a relationship. Its just that I had hoped it was going down that road when I knew it really wasn't.
    
    So this is where I kick him.
    
    I guess in a way, Im only blogging about this because Im trying to convince myself that the decision I had made was a good one. It was either let go and allow god to heal me, or continue with him and know he was still looking. yuck, i cant even stomach the thought of the man Im supposly seeing with another girl. Id rather be single.

16. 

    And we danced

    14.Apr.08, 09:18 EDT
    
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    Saturdays night quienincera was alot of fun. I knew I was gonna pay for it the next day when my legs were wobbling at the church as I was taking pictures. Its monday, they're still paying for it.
    For the most part I took over 360 pictures, I am hoping over 170 are good. I used my camera and my uncles, his focused automatically, (I didnt like that) and I focused my camera myself.  Most of my family was there, there were soo many people in one little hall, kids running around and it seemed like every mexican girl was wearing a black dress. I probably would of too but since I was the photographer, I chose to dress a bit more casual and wore a black top with kaiki pants.
    The birthday girl was just simply beautiful, my son was the main escort and he was simply georgeous, and when the entire party danced it was magical. 
    The mariachi band was fun and after about 8:30ish, I gave up taking professional pictures and switched to digitals. THAT was fun. One of my friends from myspace, Alma, came to the quienincera and I was soo excited to have finally met her. I had added her on about 6 months ago not knowing who she was, we had kept in touch through myspace and then she moved to Texas. We still kept in touch, it just so happened she was comming down this weekend and the quiencinera was sat. night, so I invited her, but she was comming anyways because she knew some people there. That was fun.
    Now I think Im a fairly good dancer, but I dont know how to do the mexican dances, so there was this guy with that group that came with Alma. He had a wife but he was showing me how to dance as such. I did fairly good for the most part but at times I'd miss a moment and step on his foot. lol, Im sure I looked stress trying to concentreate so hard. The fun moment though was through the night I sat with alma more. I had already had my rounds with family and most of them were on the dance floor already. At alma's table there was this gentleman named sam. He seemed fun, sorry no pic, and intreasting to talk to. I assumed he was with someone but as I sat more at her table, I noticed who was paired off and he wasn't with anyone. We got to talking more and he learned I was the photographer of the party. He asked me to take pictures of his son during softball and I of course said yes.  I honestly think it was just a pick up but i took it flattering.
    
    The very last song before midnight he asked me to dance. I was soo red in the face, Im not very good but I was finally being asked by someone that wasn't family or with someone lol. He said he didn't know how to either so we winged it. Honestly, I had so much fun with him dancing to that one song on the floor than I did all night. Im not reading anything into this, I just broke up with someone because of lack of trust, so Im not real sure if Im ready for anything more, but then, I did say I would leave that up to God. eh?

17. 

    Fairy Tale

    11.Apr.08, 16:11 EDT
    
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    Sometimes I think what it is about me that makes it hard for me to have a relationship. I was thinking about all the points on why I made this decision and deep in my gut It felt like there was another girl involved. I had the same feeling with Beau. It really sucked when I found out he went back to his ex.
    Snap out of it I had to say to myself. So if he dose find someone else, then he really wasn't that into you.
    I have a problem. I believe in a fairy tale love, and since we live in reality, it kinda throws off my dream state. But I believe, I believe I will meet my prince charming, sweep me off my feet and rescue me to his castle. Of course I believe it will happen more moderen.
    The thing is though, I have to remember that this is not the only section of my life. My life should not revolve around a man even if I can't help but love him in any annoying way. I need to remember that my career is at beginning bloom and that when its full, will I even have time for him there.
    So I swarm my day thinking about these thoughts and even though part of me is sad to let something go that I really wanted, part of me is happy that I am givin a chance at moving on. Its wierd, Its like a battle inside. Good vs Evil. I want to remember all the bitterness, thrive on the anger and call out for justice, but it never did me any good. If anything, it just made me look like a crazy nutcase. So I meditate on what was good about him, try to be content on the times that we were together and hope for the next someone to finally be the end of my long neverending search of the last few good guys. I get insecure sometimes, jeolous. But then, friends of all different ages tell me that I am very pretty. I don't think Im vain, but there isn't anything wrong with me. and I need to remember that. I need to remember that some people have different taste and that's what dating is all about.
    I guess it goes back to my fairy tale. I kinda expect the guy to fall in love with the girl and fight to be with her no matter the cost of death.
    If I want to see that happening, I guess I need to rent a movie.