I'm going to start this post today with something that has nothing to do with politics. It's just so awful -- like the thought of a Paris-Perez Hilton love child -- that I feel compelled to comment. Check out this new kid's book put out by a Florida plastic surgeon -- My Beautiful Mommy -- just in time for Mother's Day. With a Disney princess style cover, the book purports to explain to small children why the center of their universe is so unhappy with herself she needs bigger tits, a smaller ass, and perhaps a nose job.

I had a sick sensation in my stomach that this surgeon would turn out to be a Miami guy. It is SO Miami, this concept. So I looked up Dr. Michael Salzhauer and it turns out that, yes, he practices right down the street from where I live. Ugh. I may have to move.

I'm feeling the weird news today, so here's some more. Apparently a conservative, Clinton-hating nutcase is fighting with a UFO conspiracy theorist to get first access to documents from the Clinton I presidency. The UFO guy is apparently first in line with his FOIA requests searching for alien coverups, which annoys the guys looking for political dirt on the Clintons. So the panty sniffers are trying to get the National Archives to let them be line-jumpers. Stay tuned.

Meanwhile, Barack Obama has already potentially lined up his next gaffe with which he will be bludgeoned for the next week. There's a video of him speaking in North Carolina, in which he allegedly flips the bird while talking about Hillary Clinton. I don't know. If this is a real flip, it's right out of an '80s teen movie, in which the nerdy kid is pushed to the brink by an overbearing high school principal, but still can't quite escape his essential nature.

If those gun-toting, Bible-thumping, cheese-making Pennsylvanians can't end the endless Democratic nomination process on April 22, our next great hope may be a federal inmate running for the nomination in Idaho. Keith Russell Judd is in prison in Texas for making threats at the University of New Mexico. He's got a lot of time to spare, so he spends it filing lawsuits and trying to get on various state ballots. This time, he succeeded. The only question is whether he'll siphon more votes from Clinton or Obama.