Posts: 9

1. single winging it: a view of liberalism

   12.Apr.08, 12:00 EDT
   
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   i'm having trouble with paula again, so i'm single winging it with the blog today.  it'll look a little messy, but paula's been hanging out the weird pigeons again - this time the 290 torpedo aces from the south side of town.  they're mostly a bunch of overpass pigeons, you know, off the four-lane and about as dingy as a band of pigeons can get.  this bunch is an extreme left wing outfit . . . so far off base they even occasionally bomb grade school kids at the snippy schools.  snippy schools are the private schools that are springing up, mostly so upwardly mobile whites can keep their kids out of the public schools, now dominated by mexicans.  myself, i don't care. if they've got the money for private education, more power to 'em.  the torpedo aces see them as just a bunch of rich shit kids working a hardship on a changing society.
   
   single winging it doesn't bother me much.  i'm pretty much a left libertarian to start with, so i'm all for individual rights.  the problem with these libertarians, especially the to the right group, is that they can't see the connection between being free to live without oppressive government regulation and the rights of others in the society.  they're still just a bunch of conservatives wanting to reserve things for themselves, fuck everybody else.  you can sure get bogged down in terms here, but most folks think of left libertarians as anarchists . . . and i suppose we are.  but anyone would be terribly naive to think a society can run free of laws that in some way govern the overall group.  the argument should be about how much law, not whether or not we have law at all.  being a leftist doesn't mean one should take leave of their practical senses.  the mere observation of people in action will teach you the necessity for rules of conduct.
   
   the word liberal carries with it all sorts of implications, attachments, and observances.  and to most americans, it's a nasty word.  in fact, less than 20 percent of americans are willing to dub themselves as liberal . . . and perhaps without knowing exactly what a liberal is, or should be.  statistics tell us that most liberals are well educated . . . and even well off financially.  some middle class americans might have liberal sympathies, but they're not likely to really be liberals.  All sorts of definitions about what liberals represent are out there, but there's one critical thing that is required to call oneself a liberal - the show of free thinking.  conservativism is a restriction of thought, and of action.
   
   so . . . is it possible that a leftist could actually be a conservative, at least in the sense that he isn't a free thinker?  oh, yes, it's entirely possible.  his sympathies might be far to the left, but if he's ideolistic to the point of being rigid and unaccepting, and when this leads him to being unwilling or unable to accept any other philosophical proposition . . . then he's not a liberal.  this isn't likely to happen, but it can.  i've known some left wing ideologues who may at one time have allowed free thinking to take them to a particular belief . . . but once there, they regress to restricted thought.
   
   then . . . is it possible that a right winger (conservative) can actually be a liberal, in that same sense of being a free thinker?  No . . . not one chance in hell!
   
   Polly, 4/12/08 

2. Dems Digging For Delegates

   17.Mar.08, 08:58 EDT
   
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   If you think us pigeons are bad about scratching around, you need to take a look at the Democratic candidates digging around for delegate votes.  Hillary is saying she ought to get the delegate votes from Florida and Michigan, and Obama is saying she shouldn't, and that deal might end up being a big mess.  As usual, the Democrats are making a race out of something that should be a cake walk.  They seem to have a talent for that.
   
   Have you ever heard the term pigeonhole?  Yeah, it's a legislative term for sitting on a bill, or holding it in committee.  Some historians think it comes from the old days when pigeons, known to be frequent visitors to capitol buildings, pecked out the cracks in legislator's desks, enabling then to stick papers through them without lifting the desk top.  It seems like some states used the capitol buildings for storing grain between sessions, and this attracted the pigeons, and you know how we are about grain.  If that story is true, that's our contribution to American politics . . . well, other than crapping on the head of an occasional politician.
   
   But back to the Dems and the chase for delegates.  From my bird's eye view of the thing, I think Obama has the upper hand here.  Hillary knew the rules before she went to Michigan and Florida and won both primaries.  She knew in advance that the votes were not supposed to count, that the decision not to count them had already been made.  But Hillary is a politician, and rules don't mean much to them . . . at least when they apply to the politician themselves.  She wants a rule change, in mid-stream, after the fact even, and Obama is saying no.  And guess who's really loving this?
   You've got it - that tired old man running as the Republican.  The best thing for somebody who's looking like a worn out roadmap is to have the other side looking stupid.  Better to look old than stupid, you know.
   
   But . . . then there's Johnny Bombemall going around telling the nation that he can win the war in Iraq, that the Bush Bunch bungled it, and that makes him look a little younger.  Dumber, of course, but younger.  We still have a nation full of people who can't stand losing, and if somebody can show them a way to win, even if it'll cost thousands more lives and many more dollars, the dumbasses will go for it.  You've got to remember, the same dumbass voters who put George Bush in office are still out there, lurking like a stupid fox trying to catch a banty chicken.  The only way they'll ever get their prey is . . . if the chicken gets stupid too.
   
   So. . . wise up Dems, and quit giving the old man ammunition for his war talk.  Put the Bushy-tailed voters on notice that we've had enough of their dumb votes.  You can do that by giving them an alternative that's appealing even to a slow learner.  My suggestion is:  GIVE IT UP, HILLARY!  FORGET THE FLORIDA AND MICHIGAN DELEGATES!
   
   Polly, 3/17/08
   
   

3. Swift Boats, Tarnished Votes, and a Big Gotcha!

   02.Mar.08, 08:39 EST
   
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   As time goes by, I'm less and less amazed at what the American voter is capable of,  and more concerned that people are lacking in common sense when it comes to decision making.  The swift boat thing from the last election is enough to attest to the voter's lack of good sense . . . and you guys have the gall to think a pigeon is dumb?  The dumbest pigeon I know wouldn't have gone for a ploy that obvious, so the next time the term birdbrain comes up, don't look at me.
   
   Swift boaters - yeah, the guys who gave us George instead of John with their dirty, underhanded attacks on a fellow swift boater.  As it turns out, over 3,500 guys served in Vietnam as swift boaters, and only 250 of then actively got involved in the campaign to save George.  Some numbnuts lawyer named O'Neill was a ringleader . . . a guy who turned out to be a monumental liar.  He accused Kerry of loading up his service record, which he probably did to some extent.  It's politics, remember, and all candidates load up their records.  But Kerry didn't lie near as much about his service record as did this O'Neill guy.
   
   And as for the swift boaters, the entire operation was financed by the Republican party.  And the dumbass public bought it, or at least enough to cost Kerry some badly needed votes.  And it was all a bunch of lies from a pack of guys who never served with Kerry (only 11 out of their total membership of 500).  Many more former swift boaters stood up for Kerry, but not these right wing jerks. 
   
   So, why bring up something that's over with and done?  Well, because another election is coming up, and we've already got these guys running around out there saying, "I just can't see my commander-in-chief being Obama.  He's got no military experience, isn't suited for the job."  And boy, is that a load of crap.  The last thing in the world we need in the White House is a military man.  We've had 'em, and they've all mostly been bad.
   And as for the so-called independent groups that support certain candidates for president?  From their very base they are liars when the put the label independent on themselves.  The only thing most of them are independent of is the truth . . . especially in the case of cowardly attacks like came from the swift boaters.
   
   Like I pointed out, the vast majority of swift boat veterans didn't support this group and shouldn't be judged by their actions.  But a majority of the voters did vote for George Bush, giving us another four years of misery in government.  And if you're one of those people, they got your goat. Yeah, that was a big time gotcha, dumbass!  You fell for it, you sucker.  My advice to you is - pull your heads out of  your asses and take a close look at these independent groups manipulating your vote.  Maybe a few of you retards might make the right choice next time.
   
   Polly, 3/2/08

4. The Texas Primary

   21.Feb.08, 09:20 EST
   
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   March 4th, the Texas Democratic Primary - that's a big one around these parts.  Some of the talking heads are saying that if Obama wins Texas, it's all over, that he's in as the candidate the Democrats will field this time around.  So, what's it gonna be, Texas?  Once again, it's looking like what we decide really matters because the either Obama or Clinton look to have a great chance of winning the election.  Here's why.
   
   1) Republicans have eight years of Bush to make excuses for, and that won't be easy.  Few presidents have gummed up the works in Washington like this intellectual zero has.  And my guess is that not even McCain can distance himself far enough from the Bush legacy of lameness to win the election.
   
   2) McCain will continue the war in Iraq, even says he thinks it can be won.  All this means is that we've got another twit running for high office.  And as the campaign goes along, the war will likely be more and more of an issue.  Right now it's the number two issue, but if Obama or Clinton goes after it, they'll kick McCain's ass. 
   
   3) The American vote is fickle, has a short memory, and there's still plenty of people out there dumb enough to vote for a Republican.  And Democrats seem to have a way of making elections close, even when they should run off with them.  Polls will show the election as close for awhile, maybe even up to a month before the election.  By then McCain will be looking as old as he is, Obama will be looking even better.
   
   4) What Texans decide in the Democratic primary shouldn't be taken seriously as an indication of what this state will do in the general election come November.  Most of these rednecks are still Republicans, and my guess is any Democrat is going to have a tough time winning this state.  I'm guessing ever state from Arizona to Florida will go for McCain in the election.  Arizona is his home, and he'll win it.  And the others?  Well, pardner, they're fringe area lunatic right wingers - the old solid south, where conservativism is still seen as a virtue.  Count Texas with that bunch.
   
   5) But . . . I predict that Obama will win Texas in the upcoming primnary, that he'll win the nomination, and that he will indeed whup McCain's ragged, worn out old ass.  And that's 'cause he'll likely sweep the big states - California, New York, Illinois (home), N.J., Pennsylvania, etc.  And he'll cut into the western states that have gone for Republicans in the past.  Obama is fresh, McCain is stale - that's really your choice.
   
   And that's Polly on politics.
   
   2/21/08

5. This Blog Post is rated Mature.

6. Molly Ivins, Our Role Model

   09.Nov.07, 10:50 EST
   
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   I'm not a believer in reincarnation, but if it were true, I'd hope that Molly Ivins gets reincarnated as a pigeon in Austin.  She was a great bomber of political quacks, especially G. W. Bush and his band of plunder pundits.  Experts, my ass . . . all we get in Washington these days is bullshit politics, the administration of the intellectually lame and listless.  We needed people like Molly, and we needed her views of the political scene in this country.  Too bad she's gone, but she did a helluva good job while she was here.  In our small way, we'll carry on where she left off.
   
   Polly, 11/09/07

7. More on E. Howard Twitt, Aetiologist

   06.Nov.07, 09:48 EST
   
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   This is part two of my story about E. Howard Twitt, the unscrupulous aetiologist who clained to have found a cure for male impotency.  Like I said earlier, I discovered him signing books in front of a trendy bookstore.  And he was also peddling his products that would cure penile disfunction, which means some guy can't get a stiffy.  Anybody with good sense could see that this yahoo was a fraud, but when it comes to something as sensitive as sex (especially when it is concerned with the restoration of it), people are subject to being taken to the cleaners.  That's where I come in, me and the pigeon squadron.
   
   I flew back over to Congress Avenue and found Paula, my sis, hanging around with a bunch of hotel pigeons.  As often as I'd warned her about that, she still persisted in keeping company with those low-lives.  Hotel pigeons are just a jump above grain elevator pigeons because they're the kind looking for an easy way out, a quick fix, a meal on wheels sort of deal. Lazy, that's my opinion of them.  Paula's argument is that some hotel pigeons are OK, especially the ones hanging around the nicer hotels.  My argument is that Austin only has one nice downtown hotel, and it's not a pigeon friendly place because of the location.  Anyway, I found her eating half a sandwich someone had thrown away with a one-legged pigeon named Lefty.
   
   Well, I told her about finding Twitt, said he was a fraud and that we needed to find the gang and see about making a bombing run or two the next day. I had to get her away from Lefty before telling her, since I didn't want to give away any locations to a rival squadron.  If memory served me correctly, he flew with a group calling themselves the 5th Street Strikers, a group almost as rowdy as the Town Lake Torpedos.  My least favoriet squadron is from north Austin, the Balcones Blue Bombers.  My squadron is the Capital Highrollers, so-called because that what we specialize in bombing - highrollers.
   
   To make a long story short, we finally got organized and made preparations for a bombing run.  Logistics wasn't a problem because we already had our target pegged, so all we needed to do was load the bomb bays.  By that, I mean we had to eat our asses off so we'd have enough bombs to drop come morning.  We won't get into specifics here, but some foods make better bombs than others.  If you want to drop heavy bombs, you need to load up on corn or some other grains.  If you want a really stinky bomb, eat some grubs or grasshoppers.  Most things humans eat make good stinky bombs, we've learned, so we gathered early the next morning and went to a restaurant off Congress to pick through the garbage for a couple of hours.  Then we went looking for E. Howard Twitt.
   
   By ten o'clock that morning a sizeable line had gathered where Twitt was signing books and selling his products.  College kids had heard about the stiffydip by now, since some kid had bought a bottle the day before and had spent the rest of the day porking some gal and her roommate.  Word spreads fast among the younger set, so by the time we had assembled to make our first bombing run, the line was a mixed bag of all sorts of people.  That made me think that maybe Twitt's miracle dip really did work, and it probably did for a while. 
   
   We made our first run at 10:45, and it was a terrific success.  Not only did we get Twitt with a big blob or two right on top of his bald head, we got some college kids who'd crowded in line in front of some highly irritated old farts.  We gave them time to clean up, then made another run at 11:00.  It too was a success, but things started getting ugly after that.  People started showing up with BB and pellet guns, and we had to call of any further raids.  But, we'd done our job.  We'd made a shithead out of someone who deserved it, even though the condition only lasted a few minutes.  It's the symbolism of the thing that counts, you see.
   
   E. Howard Twitt left Austin the next morning, headed back to California.  As you might suspect, he ended up getting marginally famous, especially among the blue haired set and college kids.  After making millions selling his book and products, he finally got his comeuppance.  Old men and college guys started developing a malady none of them wanted . . . hair growth on their penises.  In some cases, I'm told, they ended up with dicks that looked like large wooly worms . . . and as you can easily see, no woman wants to have sex with a hairy dicked man, even if he's got a stiffy that'll last all night. 
   
   Even worse, women suffered some hair growth too . . . and in some cases, lots of it.  Hairline wax jobs increased by two hundred percent in some areas of the country, and Twitt's popularity suddenly took a nose dive.  With all those angry men and women after him, he fled to Mexico.  People started investigating him them, found that he had a long history of other failed diagnoses.  He had once done a study of politicians, found that many of them ended up being jerks because of a tiny worm that lived in leather seatcovers.  These worm infested seatcovers are found in courthouses, capitol buildings, and especially in Washington.  Twitt's argument was that these worms, very tiny and seldom noticed, crawled up the butts of congressmen, senators, and all sorts of administrators and executives, thereby causing a condition of irritability that made them bitchy and inconsiderate.  This buttworm infestation had affected entire generations of politicans, he contended, thereby causing all sorts of problems.  Bad laws were the product of buttworm infestation, and all this was caused by seatcover contamination.  One asshole politicans infected others, it was just that simple.
   
   Somebody said that Twitt ended up in Mexico as their Minister of Culture, but others said he'd gone to India and was researching for a new book.  The most reliable accounting of him has him working for the Bush administration - in a clandestine position, of course.  I can't be certain of it, but I'm almost sure Bush bought Twitt's contention about the seatcover contamination.  Rumor has it that all the leather cushioned chairs in the White House have been disenfected, especially in the Oval Office. 
   
   So, that's it for Twitt.  We'll always remember him as a worthwhile target.  Maybe we bombed a few innocent people in getting to him, but that's the way it is with bombing you know - collateral damage, I think they call it.  The important thing is, we got the right guy.
   
   Polly, 11/06/07
    
   
   

8. E. Howard Twitt, Aetiologist

   04.Nov.07, 19:35 EST
   
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   Here's a word for you - aetiology, or etiology.  It's pretty close to being a diagnostician except with aetiology the diagnosis includes identification of the causes of a particular disease or medical disorder.  Anyway, that's what this blog is about - sort of.  Actually it's about an aetiologist named E. Howard Twitt, a diagnostician for the ages . . . and not because he's all that good at it.  In fact, quite a few reputable diagnosticians think E. Howard Twitt is a quack.  I tend to agree with them, but I get a bird's eye view of things sometimes.
   
   This story starts with me having a bad day, perhaps one of the worst bombing days I've ever had.  The legislature was out of session for the year, some national holiday had all the banks and federal offices closed, and I couldn't even find a lawyer to bomb.  Oh, I found a group of them eating at a outdoor cafe down near Town Lake, but that's an off limits thing with us pigeon bombers.  We follow the principle of the three E's - never bomb anyone eating, exercising, or engaging in sex.   Common sense tells you it's just not fair to dump a big load of shit on someone who's trying to feed himself, stay in good shape, or get laid.
   
   I cruised around campus over at UT for a while, thinking maybe I could find somebody hanging around a frat or sororiety house to target.  I managed to get a couple of frat rats in a convertible, but they were too drunk to even know I'd shit on them.  I barely missed a bald headed guy trying to grope a coed just outside a bookstore on Guadalupe.  I did hit a homeless guy sleeping a few feet away on the sidewalk, and thinking the bald guy threw something on him, he got up and kicked him.  The gal getting groped (and not putting up much resistance, I might add), got grossed out and ran off down the sidewalk.  Sometimes misses aren't all that bad.
   
   After that, my day got extremely boring, and all I managed to get done was crap on a confererate civil war hero's statue.  I was about to head back toward the capitol building, and that's when I got lucky and ran across E. Howard Twitt.  He was sitting out front of a trendy bookstore, signing copies of his newest book and palavering with people who'd gathered around.  I swooped down, perched on a window canopy nearby, and started watching the action.  The book he was signing was called 1001 Ways to Enhanced Sexual Gratification, which didn't really do much to stimulate any interest in me . . . until I moved closer and read the subtitle, which was But Only One Really Works.  And then I saw that he was not only selling the book but a ten ounce bottle of liquid called Stiffydip.  And right next to the bottle was a squeezable tube of stuff called Stiffylube. 
   
   Then I noticed a large group of people inside the bookstore watching a video on a wide screen monitor.  The video was showing none other than E. Howard Twitt standing behind a table.  A six inch thick solid oak board, an open jar of clear liquid, a hammer, a nail, and a can of earthworms had been placed on the table.  Since I was outside the bookstore, I couldn't hear what he was saying, but I could most definitely see the video.  I watched as Twitt picked up an earthworm and dangled it in the air, making sure everyone knew it was lifeless.  Then he dipped it into the clear liquid a couple of times, picked up the hammer, and drove it directly into the oak chunk of wood.   The people viewing the video, most of them appearing to be senior citizens, were rushing directly outside to get in line to purchase Twitt's book and attending liquids and lubes . . . and all for the bargain price of a hundred bucks.
   
   Well, I made up my mind right then and there that E. Howard Twitt was most surely a fraud.  I made sure to watch the video from start to finish, even found myself a perch where I could hear the audio, and his claim was that he'd found the main cause of penile disfunction in men.  After exhaustive research, he said, he had isolated an enzyme produced by the brain that caused sexual stimulation leading to erections.  The natural ageing process causes some parts of the brain to function less well, such as with memory . . . and with sexual functioning.  The liquid and lube contained a substitute for this enzyme, a discovery made by some doctors in Estonia or Finland or some place like that. 
   
   Twitt's video further guaranteed his liquids and lubes to maintain erections for at least an hour.  In the event the erection didn't subside in a few hours, he even provided another liquid that was guaranteed to wash off the stiffydip or stiffylube.  And all three of his products were, of course, made of all natural substances that would not harm the users.  I couldn't believe people were actually believing him and buying that stuff.  His video included testimonials, and maybe that's what sold people on the book and products.  I had to admit, it was a good sales pitch, and Twitt came off as being a true scientist . . . a real aetiologist.
   
   The sign out front said that Twitt would be at the bookstore for two more days, so I had plenty of time to round up the squadron and come back for a bombing run or two.  Right now, though, my legs are getting tired, and Paula's starting to bitch about holding down the shift key.  She's still a little pissed about the woodpile remark, so I'd better go now.
   
   More later on E. Howard Twitt.
   
   Polly, 11/04/07

9. The Fine Art of Pigeon Bombing

   04.Nov.07, 12:54 EST
   
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   Ok, here's goes blog number one - my first moli experience, but not a bomb this time.  We reserve bombs for deserving targets, like bankers and big shit businessmen and politicians . . . yeah, especially the politicians.  And don't get the idea right off that we're particularly politically motivated to seek out certain targets.  I use the word particularly because it's a good political word - you know, one of those chickenshit words that lets you skate out from under direct criticism.  You can always say, "Well, I didn't specify anything or anyone in particular.  You must've read that in."
   
   I throw out that tidbit of information because we do target some people due to their political leanings.  We'd much rather shit on a Republican than a Democrat or Independent, and we even reserve the big blobs of shit for the biggest assholes on our hit list.  Yeah, we keep a list, but that doesn't mean it's made up of just Republicans or dishonest businessment or anyone in particular.  We'll shit on a homeless guy, if he's a crook.  But we wouldn't be honest if we didn't admit to having some preference concerning who or what we bomb.  Notice, if you will, the use of the word what.  We don't just bomb people; we go after symbols of their dishonesty and corruption as well. 
   
   Mastering the fine art of pigeon bombing takes lots of practice, and it's good to sharpen your skill at it on objects rather than people.  Moving objects are much harder to hit than something that moves slowly, or better yet, not at all.  Yeah, I like bombing and occasional luxury car, especially the black ones.  Pigeon bombs show up lots better on black targets, you know.  I dearly love black cowboy hats, and motorcycles are fun sometimes.  Statues of people who got famous by being an asshole are great targest because you can get them close up.  It's hard to miss something that can't move.  My favorite?  Bald headed guys who deserve a good bonbing.   
   
   Most of my blogs won't be too long.  Consider, if you will, the difficulties of trying to write on with no hands and just a few toes on each foot.  Nobody makes keyboards for pigeon feet, and so I have to hop around to get a blog pecked out.  I use my beak about as much as my feet, since I'm using them for the hopping around.  You get the picture, right?  And there's other inconveniences, like holding down that damn shift key to make large case letters.  I refuse to write in just lower case, so I solicit the help of my sister Paula when I write.
   
   Oh, yeah, I forgot to introduce you to Paula.  We came out of the same nest, but we're not exactly twins.  I'm sort of blue feathered, while she's pretty much a brown and white speckled pigeon (I think there was a dark brown pigeon in the woodpile, but we don't talk about it).  well, crap!  paula just flew off the handle, or better yet the keyboard, and now i'm screwed.  can't finish this without my shift key holder.  i'll have to go after her, smooth some ruffled feathers.
   
   i'll get back to you.
   
   polly, 11/04/07