Everyone knows that Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie and Carrie Underwood are big time super-hotties. It’s completely expected that all of us men should find them sexy and irresistible. But what about the OTHER sexy women in the world? You know who I’m talking about. These are the women that aren’t flaunting themselves on the covers of Maxim and FFH. They’re the women that you find completely sexy but won’t tell anyone else about because you’re afraid you’ll be laughed at. We all have those crushes that we like to keep secret so nobody thinks we’re weirdos. But I think it’s time that all of us men came out and be verbal about the unconventional goddesses that make our hearts skip a beat whenever we see them. Now seems like a good time for me anyway, since I’m getting married in a few weeks and can never talk to or look at another female again. So here we go, MY top 5 secret crushes. P.S., I'm having a lot of trouble with the blog setup, if anyone can help that would rock.

5. Helen Mirren (Silver Fox Award)

 

Most guys over 40 would probably agree with me, but maybe not my fellow 24-year-olds. Who cares, Helen Mirren is SO completely hot. At 62 years of age, the star of such movies as Calendar Girls and Teaching Mrs. Tingle still makes me melt. Don’t let her portrayal of such plain and ugly characters as the Queen of England in The Queen and Mrs. Wilson in Gosford Park fool you, she is 100% bodacious. This is one actress I could play Harold & Maude with (me being Harold and her being Maude, of course). Here’s a creepy video tribute some lonely man put together about her. Enjoy.


4. Nina Conti (Most In Touch With Nature Award)


Up-and-coming British ventriloquist comedian, Nina Conti,  from Britain walks around with a male monkey puppet named Monk. She banters with her felt friend as if he were a real person, and disturbing as that may be, I somehow find myself wishing it was I who was sitting atop her delicate hand. She does a man’s voice eerily well and her humor is a little less than lady-like, not to mention whoever dates her is the third wheel by default; But what can I say, she’s cute.


3. Alia Shawkat (Freckle Face Award)


The ginger star of the tragically cancelled series “Arrested Development” may have more freckles on her than there are sands on the beach, a round face, and frizzy hair that you can mop a floor with, but she’s oddly sexy. Sexy enough, in fact, to wish you were related to her (If you haven’t seen the show, you wouldn’t understand). The problem with finding her so hot while watching her on Arrested is that, even though she may have turned 18 a few months ago, during all 3 seasons she is pure jailbait. That’s why I can’t tell anyone. Here's another creepy video tribute.



2. Laura Ingraham (Sexiest Neo-Con Award)


Whether you agree with her conservative views or not, there’s nothing sexier to the ear than listening to Laura Ingraham on the radio. Her talk radio show, which focuses on culture and politics, is really just an excuse for her and her producers to sit around and giggle for a couple hours a day. It’s refreshing to see (or actually hear) someone so intelligent let the schoolgirl in her out.

1. Carolyn Kepcher (Scariest Babe Award)


Is there anything sexier than a women that could kick your a** and swallow your soul? Answer: No, and Carolyn proves it. This chick is cold as ice and that makes her so hot. Donald Trump’s former right hand lady on “The Apprentice” could have the Trumpster fire you quicker than Speedy Gonzales with just one word. She may dress like a man, and have a stare scarier than the Grim Reaper’s, but underneath that rough exterior is probably the most passionate woman to walk the Earth.  Here's another creepy stalker video of Carolyn finally letting her hair down by season four, to show off what a fine woman she is.


So there you have it, I have exposed the deepest part of my soul to a bunch of strangers and I have to admit it feels pretty good. What about the rest of you? Who have you been afraid to admit harboring steamy desires for?