Percy's month long training with anger management in Austin finally ended this past Saturday.  He's back in Crab Apple Cove now, telling stories about what all went on during the time he was staying at his daughter's place in Austin - and about all his new friends there.  Yeah, he says they're all buddies now, and that would include Wanda Moody, his sensitivity training instructor, and DeWayne Dampier, his anger management specialist.  Then, of course, there's Renee, Ricki, Terri, a Roxie from the Cat's Paw Tiddy Bar.  Two others who came into the picture are Eddie Roy Bateman and Sgt. Lynn Ann Ross.  More explanation is needed about the latter.

Well, you see, things were going along fairly well for Uncle Percy with his training sessions.  Wandy thought Percy needed some exposure to the female form, thinking it would perhaps awaken some sensitivity locked inside him, and sent him to the Cat's Paw.  That's where he started making friends with Renee, Terri, Ricki, and Roxie, strippers at the tiddy bar.  They all thought Percy was cute, and they taught him all about titty bar etiquette.  And then Percy took DeWayne, his sissy anger management instructor, to the Cat's Paw with him, and he ended up getting a lap dance from one of the gals.  Percy never said whether or not his association with the gals at the tiddy bar awakened anything within him . . . but he said it did wonders for DeWayne who suddenly found an appreciation for the female form.

It was about then that Percy decided that Dewayne should meet Wanda, and so he arranged a meeting between them at the Cat's Paw.  The meeting went well . . . too well, actually.  DeWayne got another lap dance, and Wanda had one drink too many and ended up shucking her clothes.  This didn't impress the establishment much, even though she looked plenty good naked, and the manager made her put her clothes back on.  Her strip act did impress DeWayne.  Percy said he had to get a ride home with Renee because DeWayne and Wanda had taken off for her place without him.  And neither of them showed up for their morning appointments with Percy the next day.

Freed of training obligations, Percy decided to hit the parks, and it was at a park just off Lamar near downtown that he met Eddie Roy Bateman.  Actually, Percy had met him some time before, on a previous trip to town.  Eddie Roy is the homeless man who turned Percy on to foreign beer, Becks to be exact.  This time, Percy found him sitting under a bush drinking a bottle of Bitbarger German beer.  He remembered Percy, and before long they'd made a run down to Whole Foods market.  Percy went in a bought a six pack of Bitbarger, and then they walked back to the park and sat under bush and drank it.  Well, the drank most of it.  A couple of bottles went to other homeless guys who drifted by.

But the beer ran out, and since Percy didn't have enough cash on him to buy another six pack, they decided to head for an intersection and panhandle some money.  Now Percy had been in trouble in Austin before for doing this, if you'll remember from pervious stories.  On that occasion he'd held up a sign that simply said, Need a Becks.  But the cops had picked him up, and his daughter had to come down to the police jail and bail him out.  This time, they set up business at a traffic light not far from the UT campus . . . and business was slow indeed.  Their sign simply read, How 'Bout a Buck?

Not only was business slow, it was hostile.  Several cars whizzed past, too
close for comfort, and lots of people shouted slurs, like, "Get a job, you bum!"  After a while, sick of mistreatment, Percy came up with a new sign, and business picked up.  In fact, within an hour they'd made fifty bucks, enought to quit and go back to the park.  But that's when they met Sgt. Lynn Ann Ross.  It seems that someone called the cops, taking offense at Percy's new sign.  It read:  A Buck Keeps Me From Throwing This Brick Through Your Windshield.  Even though Percy and Eddie Roy had long since disposed of the bricks, Lynn Ann picked them up.

Percy didn't go to jail this time.  Lynn Ann Ross, it turned out, was a gal with a big heart, almost as big as her two boobs.  In fact, Lynn Ann was a knock-out, a number 9 at least.  She even looked good in a cop's uniform, and that's hard for a woman to do.  But she liked Percy's manners, his straight forward approach to the world around him, and let him go with the stern warning that he should never write a threatening sign again.  He promised not to, so she drove him home.  Since Percy's daughter and husband were in the yard at the time, she even got out to explain why a cop was bringing Uncle Percy home. 

Percy's time in training was about up by then, and the gals at the Cat's Paw decided that they'd throw a farewell party for him.  Since the Cat's Paw was closed on Sundays, they decided to do it then . . . and they did it at the home of the club's manager.  He's a rich dude who lives in a high dollar house in the Travis Heights district of town . . . with a big swimming pool and all the trimmings (including a hot tub) in his back yard.  They asked Percy who he'd like to have at his party, and he said he wanted Wanda and DeWayne.  He also wanted his daughter and husband invited, and Lynn Ann the cop, and Eddie Roy the homeless guy . . . if they could find him.

The party was an afternoon affair staring just after lunch.  Folks gathered, and fun was had by all . . . but not as much fun as was had after Percy's daughter and husband left.  That's when the idea of jumping in the hot tub came up.  No one had bathing suits, but what the hell, it's a private party and nudity is nothing to most of the people there.  So Renee shed her clothes and jumped in the hot tub, followed by Terri, Roxie, and Ricki.  That's the only cue Wandy needed, so she got naked and jumped in too, followed by DeWayne.  Then Lynn Ann got into the act, and when she shed her clothes, the gals from the Cat's Paw applauded.  She blushed, then jumped in.  That left Percy standing there, looking and feeling dumb . . . and so he took the plunge.  Eddie Roy was sleeping in a recliner.  He'd never been around that much food and drink, so he was out of it for a while.

I'd like to be more specific here about the hot tub incident and all, but Percy isn't one to brag about his exploits, or whatever you'd call it.  He did say that he found a new appreciation for hot tubs, even said he was thinking about installing one at his house.  He said he had no plans of going back to Austin in the near future.  The judge up in Brady gave him back his aluminum baseball bat, but he donated it to a worth cause.  It's hanging on the wall of the Cat's Paw in Austin, with Percy's signature on it. 

Percy says it looks like DeWayne and Wanda are an item now, and he's proud of that.  And Sgt. Lynn Ann Ross has been offered an off duty job working at the Cat's Paw . . . as a security officer with the option of taking her top off any time she wants.  She's considering the offer.  Eddie Roy has a part time job parking cars, or rather directing traffic, at the Cat's Paw now.  The manager even lets him sleep in storage room in the back of the club, but Eddie's a park person and likes sleeping outside in warm weather.

And finally, Percy says all the gals at the Cat's Paw are planning to come down to Crab Apple Cove to see him when he gets his new hot tub put in.  That ought to start a hell of a buzz around town.

C. Duhon, 3/25/08