Uncle Percy B. Hand is in trouble again, this time over beating the crap out of his ex-wife's semi-retarded and totally worthless son Leroy.  And while he was at it, he gave Nadine a whack or two, and he whacked a preacher while he was at it.  From what I can tell from talking with Percy, and from the various rumors going around, Nadine got religion in the past year and got all entangled with a preacher named John L. Spooner.  Leroy, the son, got involved because . . . well, it's a long story, but what it amounts to is that Percy ended up getting arrested for assault and battery. 

Nadine went to jail for awhile for getting involved in dog fighting with her two worthless sons, Leroy and Rufus.  Leroy went to prison, and Rufus ran off and has never been seen since.  Nadine got involved some a holly-roller preacher named Spooner, started going to church all the time, and decided somewhere along the line that her ex-husband - that would be Percy - was an agent of the Devil.  Leroy, fresh out of prison, saw a chance to get back at Percy for putting him there, and encouraged his mama to sue Percy in court to recover money for all the damanges he'd caused.  Mostly, it was a bunch of trumped up crap, and this preacher Spooner ended up being a major instigator of it all.

Percy got served with papers by local deputies one Monday, and he went straightway to the local lawyer to see what was up.  This lawyer told him that he'd likely have to go to court, and that really put Percy in a foul mood.  He pulled his old aluminum baseball bat out of the closet, then headed up to Brady, Texas to have a talk with this preacher and former step-son Leroy.  He went to the preacher first, who got insulting with him, and Percy ended up conking him on the noggin with the bat.  Then he went looking for Leroy.  He found him at Nadine's place, then batted him around until he hollered uncle (and some other things).  Nadine just happened to be there, and he ended up giving her a good whack or two, right across her big ass.  That turned out to be the court evidence that got him sentenced to a month of sensitivity training and anger management in Austin.

The cops came and took Percy to jail.  A few days later at a hearing, Nadine and the preacher and Leroy showed up looking worse for wear.  Leroy and the preacher had some bumps and bruises, but it was the big purple X across Nadine's ass that convinced the judge that Percy had lost his cool and was indeed guilty of battery.  But he's a good man (and he always liked Percy), so he sentenced him to a month of taking anger management classes and sensitivity training . . . and the closest place to do that was in Austin.  Percy said he didn't mind doing that, especially after the preacher convinced Leroy and Nadine to drop their suit against him.  I think the aluminum bat had a lot to do with that particular change of heart.

So . . . Percy went straightway to Austin and moved into his daughter's little above-the-garage apartment there in Tarrytown.  She even let him bring Biggie and Jake along, partly because she had two black labs who enjoyed the company of other dogs.  The yard was fenced and a safe place for them to run, so everything was square there.  But Percy's first day at classes turned out to be more than he anticipated.  The anger management class was taught by a psychology professor, and he was a little dweeby looking dude who looked like Mr. Peepers . . . or Wally Cox.   The sensitivity training class, however, was taught by a gal named Wanda, also a psychologist, but one with a different perspective than most.  Percy was shocked to discover that her classes were clothing optional, and most of the students opted not to wear them.

Percy raised an immediate objection, saying he didn't feel comfortable sitting in a room full of naked people.  Wanda suggested that he'd feel more comfortable, perhaps, if he joined them in the buff.  Wanda, you see, didn't wear clothes in the sessions either . . . and Wanda wasn't your run-of-the-mill psychologist when it came to looks.  Put plainly, she was a looker, a sure enough cutie with big hooties.  Even a 75 year old man like Percy would've found her nudeness distracting, if not at the same time stimulating.  But other people in the class weren't near as attractive naked as was Wanda.  Some, in fact, were disgustingly fat and flabby.  Percy said he'd strip down to his shorts, but that's as far as he'd go.

Well, you know how it goes with a deal like that.  Other people in the class soon raised objections to Percy's attire, and Wanda decided he needed some special instruction to get over his fear of nudeness.  She decided he needed some indocrtination and assigned him some outside work.  He was to spend two evenings at the Cat's Paw, a strip club, and another two evenings at Judith's Spa, a massage parlor.  Both were places where Percy would be exposed to lots of nudity, something he needed some experience with, Wanda said.  Percy tried to point out that he'd been to a titty bar before, but just a few times, but Wanda said he needed to go anyway.  As for the Spa thing, that was completely new to Percy.

I'm not sure how all this is going to work out for Percy.  He's only been in Austin for a week now, and I call him every day or so to see how he's getting along with his training.  He says the two trips to the titty bar went well, but the massage parlor deal wasn't all that great.  He didn't seem inclined to talk much about it, so maybe I'll get the full story later on.  And when that happens, you can bet I'll pass it along.  As it stands at the present, Percy is doing his best to get past this month of training.  He says the police up in Brady said he could have his aluminum bat back . . . if he finished the course and it wasn't needed for evidence in a trail of any kind.  That seemed to give him some inspiration to buckle down and work harder with his anger management and sensitivity training.

I'll get back to you when I know more.

Cletus, 2/24/08