The story I'm about to tell needs some cover, so the town in question shall remain anonymous.  Names have been changed to protect the innocent . . . or what few innocent folks were involved.  This is a story of a sensitive and serious nature.  It's about a sweet little old lady named Madeline Hightower, called Miss Maddie by locals, who baked a fruit cake from hell and took it to a church social.  When it was all said and done with, all sorts of things came into play, sex and politics included. 

The church social in question is a big shindig at St. Francis Catholic Church just off main street.  Being as how half the population in town is Mexican/American, the Catholic Church is the biggest in town . . . and perhaps the most active.  The purpose of this particular church social was to raise money for local Christmas charity.  Most of the money went toward buying toys for needy children in the community, so people of all religions pitched in and supported the event.  It was held each year at the St. Francis Community Hall the first Saturday of December, and the biggest feature of the social was the cake auction.

A word or two needs to be said here about cake auctions and fruit cakes.  The auction had always been a big success, but the 2005 auction set records and stirred up some keen competetion among the cake bakers.  In all, the auction brought in over $5,000.00, with one cake auctioning for $770.00.  Want to guess what kind of cake brought that kind of money?  You've got it - a fruit cake, and it was baked by a lady named Bonnie.  Everybody around town knew Bonnie because she owned the local bakery.  But, the winner of the 2004 highest selling cake distinction had gone to Miss Maddie Hightower, just as it had done in many previous years.  She took finishing second in stride, but it was a long stride, I'm told because she was plenty pissed about losing to Bonnie. 

And why would a fruit cake sell for so much?  Most people don't like fruit cake, unless it's doctored up a little.  And Miss Mattie always doctored her cakes with just enough whiskey to make them taste just right.  Her recipe was a carefully guarded secret, even down to the particular type of whiskey she used in the cakes.  But Bonnie came up with a powerful fruit cake the year she toted off the prize for the highest selling cake, and that made the competetion between the two women even keener.  They never had liked each other much, even after Bonnie married Maddie's oldest son Hank.  That marriage ended when Bonnie got caught having a big affair with a local bank President named Handsome Hough.  That's right, he was so good looking that everybody called him Handsome, and lots of women in town had taken a run at him over the years - including Bonnie.

Well, Hank and Bonnie divorced, and that gave Maddie even more cause to dislike Bonnie.  The feeling was pretty much mutual, and nobody in town would've enjoyed beating Maddie more than Bonnie when she had the highest selling cake in '05.   And guess who was the winning bidder on the cake that year?  Yep, none other than Handsome Hough.  Maybe he figured he owed Bonnie a little something, being as how her husband had divorced her and all.  Who knows, but that's where the politics of the deal comes in.  Hank Hightower owns the local tractor sales place, and he came to the 2006 cake auction determined that his mama wouldn't lose to Bonnie again.  Some others in town felt the same way, and lots of talk went around about the upcoming cake auction.  The only event in town to draw a bigger crowd that year was the homecoming football game.

And what about the cake itself?  Did the winner take it home and hoard it like gold?  Not on your life.  It was customary for the winners to cut the cakes right there at the big social and share it with as many people as it would feed.  That's just a generous gesture the winner always made . . . and it nearly turned into a disaster at the 2006 social.  In years past, only a few fruit cakes were entered at the auction, but with all the talk about how much money they brought, lots of fruit cakes showed up that year - about 20 in all.  Yeah, 20 big fruitcakes, all doctored with lots of good whiskey.

Miss Maddie went to the auction in high hopes and great expectations because she had come up with a new whiskey for her cake - a Kentucky five star whiskey that cost almost $100 for a single bottle.  Bonnie anticipated this move and had done some research and come up with her own special whiskey, a brew that cost $150 a bottle.  Another woman had done her cake with a fine rum, and there was even a wine cake offered for auction.

Father Rodriguez always served as auctioneer, and the auction started about six o'clock that Saturday evening.  Most of the other cakes sold quickly, and the crowd steadily grew as the time drew near for the big fruitcake auction.  Then it came, and the first cake sold for $150.00, a good start.  And then they started selling fast after that, and one nice cake went for close to $500.  Finally, it came time to do Miss Maddie's cake, and it brought an unprecedented $925.00.  The last cake to go was Bonnie's, but it sold for just $850.00, mostly because Handsome's older brother threatened to kick his ass if he bid on a cake again at the auction.  Too much ill will had been caused by his winning bid the year before, so he put the quietus on Handsome's bidding.  To support the auction, Handsome bid on a cake that finished third.  Yeah, politics had reared its ugly head at the church auction, but probably in a righteous cause.

Well, the twenty cakes at the auction brought in over $10,000, a new record.  Then the cakes were taken to a big table where the cutting and eating started . . . and that's when the excitement started.  Fruit cakes aren't cooked with whiskey, which would cook off most of the alcohol, but are rather soaked in it.  This means that a couple of pieces of really good fruit cake can give you a bit of a buzz, and three pieces could make you sure enough frisky.  The four pieces Maurice Hadley had made him frisky enough to feel up Patty Duncan.  That got him socked in the mouth by Dave Duncan, Patty's husband.  Maurice is about 75, and Dave is at least that old.

Two high school kids got caught sneaking cake outside to a bunch gathered in the parking lot, and the cops had to haul off a couple of them for getting naked and making obscene gestures as passing motorists.  A couple of middle aged women got into an argument inside, and father Rodriguez had to break that up.  A group had gathered around a piano and were singing bar songs, like "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall."  One young lady gathered a crowd when she started showing off her new tattoo - a big heart on her right boob.  Off-color jokes were being told in small groups of men, and women had broken off into gossip groups where a few arguments developed.  By ten o'clock, a time when the social was usually just getting going good, Father Rodriguez was asking people to go home.  He had seen enough . . . but he didn't like fruit cake and had not eaten a single mouthful.

Church services were held the next day but hardly anyone showed up.  Almost everyone who had been at the social were either hungover or sick with the morning after quick step.  Yeah, all that whiskey soaked cake was doing a number on a number of people's digestive systems.  And the folks who didn't get sick were worn out from the night before.  Old folks who hadn't had sex in years had overdone it big time, and some had indulged in activities they'd never tried before.  Worse  yet, there had been some outright infidelities, like sexual indescretions that developed when single people had paired off.  Several cases of adultery happened, one involving a wife swapping deal.  Father Rodriguez's counseling schedule doubled over the next few weeks, and confession had never been so busy.  He even ran out of candles that week, and by mid week couldn't talk at all.

But . . . the social will be held again next year.  Rules changes are being discussed, I'm told.  Maddie says she's retiring from the fruit cake business, and even Bonnie says she might not enter.  One weird twist that came of the affair is that Hank Hightower got back together with his ex-wife . . . and that would be Bonnie.  Somebody said the tipsy teenagers outside got entertained watching Hank and Bonnie get it on in the back seat of Hank's car.  Cops ran them off, then made Hank and Bonnie move somewhere else . . . so they just went home together.  Maybe that's why Maddie won't bake any more cakes.  You just never know what's going to happen when you start eating a sure enough good fruit cake.

C. Duhon, 12/04/07