It’s no secret that the South Beach nightlife scene long ago ceased to
be a playground for the kind of off-kilter, bohemian individuals who
make nightclubbing a blast. In fact, it’s more like a cesspool of
overpriced clubs playing bad trance and full of narcissistic,
superficial airheads who get by on looks and/or money rather than
talent or brains.

The way in which SoBe clubs have become killing grounds for tourists and suckers was made abundantly clear in a Sunday story in The Miami Herald (full disclosure: I am a former Herald staff critic and still contribute to the paper and its associated websites).
Reporter Lydia Martin details the costs and cachet of buying into
bottle service, and thus VIP treatment, at the clubs. She talks to such
partiers as Romy Grantley, a 39-year-old financial trader who says he
spends $3000 every Friday at Set. Martin is a genius at getting people
to say things that lay bare the weird culture of Miami; a couple years
ago she quoted literary entrepreneur Mitchell Kaplan saying, “We have the image that everybody here has fake boobs. Well, some people with fake boobs are very intellectual.”

The
winner in this story comes from party promoter Tommy Pooch: ''If we
made you buy four bottles, and you're only four people, you can bet we
didn't want you there. You're probably ugly. We were hoping you would
just leave. But you were so desperate to get in, you agreed to the four
bottles, and now we're stuck with you.''

This, of course,
explains why South Beach clubs are full of ugly rich people and
desperate model wannabes who are essentially, and often literally, paid
to be there. I suppose if you’re one of those types, they’re a great
place to hang. But
Word to the people like Grantley, who brag
about buying their popularity each weekend: That kind of club scene is
over. You can see T-shirts in South Beach with the letters VIP circled
with a slash through them. There are club nights, even at such once
star-obsessed Beach venues as Tantra, that brag that they are
celebrity-free. Economic times have changed, people hate Republicans,
and little democratic dive venues are where it’s at.

The
infamous SoBe scene is not only over; it’s dangerous. Martin’s article
was prompted by a recent episode at behemoth venue Mansion where
clubgoers were allegedly beaten by bouncers after they protested the
size of their bar tab. Mansion officials deny the allegations but the
patrons have sued and eight bouncers have been arrested for battery.
You can see a video of the incident here.

Meanwhile,
the kind of DIY fashionistas, art-school kids, trannies, budding MCs,
etc., at the heart of any city’s cool club scene – not to mention most
of the rest of Miami -- long ago decided to stay on the west side of
the causeways. In neighborhoods like Wynwood, Lemon City, Downtown, and
the Design District, there’s a vibrant mix of singer/songwriters, indie
clubs, cool record stores, world-renowned galleries, and hip
restaurants. Places like Sweat Records, Churchill’s, 190, Transit Lounge,
etc., don’t pull that velvet-rope stuff. Pay your admission (if there
is one, it’s probably dirt cheap), and enjoy some good local music.
Ugly people welcome.