Posts: 7

1. 

   On Being 37 Weeks Pregnant

   03.Jun.08, 13:02 EDT
   
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   For those of you who are wondering how I am feeling, this blog by Minsun Park pretty much sums it up!
   
   Read along as Minsun, a 29-year-old screenwriter and freelance writer living in Los Angeles, chronicles her first pregnancy.
   
   Everyone's heard of Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. This law, deceptive in its simplicity, pretty much sums up the way the cosmos works. Whoever this Murphy guy was, he was truly one of the great deep thinkers of our time. Screw Socrates or Aristotle or any of those other dead Greek guys and their esoteric philosophy. Murphy was the man, a demi-god among pessimists around the world.
   
   Not that I have the hubris to think that I could come up with anything so profound, but this last week of pregnancy has inspired me to come up with Minsun's Law of Pregnancy: Just when you thought it was physically impossible to get any fatter, uglier, and more uncomfortable -- you invariably do. As a result, my mood swings have finally stabilized. I now only have two emotional states: pissed off and supremely pissed off.
   
   Why did nobody warn me that I would actually grow out of some of my maternity clothes towards the end? Isn't this against the pregnancy rules or something? I've begrudgingly dropped a small fortune on pants with kangaroo pouches and tops that look like pastel pup tents and I don't even get the extreme displeasure of wearing them to the bitter end. I fit perfectly into my maternity clothes for only five minutes, yet I'm still wearing the same size bikini underwear I was wearing before I got pregnant. Talk about a bizarre pregnancy paradox! Right now, my non-maternity clothes are the only things that still fit me. I'm living in sweats, drawstring skirts, drawstring pants, large Gap T-shirts, and Teddy's clothes. With only three weeks until my due date, the notorious skinflint in me refuses to purchase another maternity item.
   
   One day at the mall, however, my steely resolve wavered when I saw an array of new spring colored maternity dresses at the over-priced "Pea in the Pod" maternity store. I thought splurging on a cute dress might lift my spirits so I tried on a $75 dress on sale that the sales lady insisted would look "absolutely adorable" on me, in between plying me with Dixie cups of cold water. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I wondered what powers-that-be in the maternity fashion world decided that bright pastels are flattering on spherical bodies? It may work on beach balls, but it doesn't work on pregnant figures. I swear that I looked like a giant Easter egg with hair. I slunk out of the store feeling defeated, with a flattened Dixie cup in hand. And yet, no matter where I go, people are constantly telling me how "small" I am! I fear that I may go completely helter skelter if I hear this one more time.
   
   In addition to dressing like a pregnant bag lady, I've also been bludgeoned by the butt-ugly stick. My hair has become so frizzy and curly that I've got a perpetual case of bed head no matter how much time I spend under the hair dryer. My feet are swollen and I've got a case of carpal tunnel syndrome so bad that my hands are always gnarled up into claws like an old crone. My bouncy walk has transformed into the waddle of a lame duck and my facial skin is oilier than the Exxon Valdez spill. I try to take some consolation in the fact that I haven't developed a single stretch mark, yet my skin has suffered in numerous other ways. Stubborn zits, a pronounced linea nigra, dark splotches under my arms, peach fuzz in strange places and gigantic moles seem to sprout up constantly.
   
   At this point, damage control just seems too daunting and pointless. As a result I've let my beauty regimen slip a little... okay, a lot. I rarely bother with makeup anymore -- what's the point of looking good from the waist up? I don't know if anybody else has experienced the "double take of disappointment" from men, but I have and I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I've noticed that a guy will initially check me out, then suddenly do a double take, realize that I'm hugely pregnant and immediately make a hasty retreat with horror etched all over his face. I'm surprised these guys don't turn into stone. It's a real ego booster to know that instead of being hit on, I am now scaring the living daylights out of men.
   
   Not that I was super high-maintenance before, but I got my professional manicures and pedicures, the occasional facial and regular Brazilian bikini wax. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of this extreme waxing, it's pretty painful yet extremely worth it. Everything -- and I do mean everything -- is waxed off except for a tiny landing strip. If you think going to your gynecologist was embarrassing, that's nothing compared to the outrageous positions you and your waxing professional get into together. I never dreamed I'd ever be in those compromising positions with another woman using hot wax. But my girlfriends and I all agree that the results are strangely addictive, in a smooth, asexual Barbie-doll kind of way. But now that I'm hugely pregnant, I don't even bother. I haven't seen my vagina in months. The only reason I know it's still there is because I'm peeing so much. You know the old saying, "out of sight out of mind?" Well, that's exactly how one can describe my now non-existent beauty regimen. The only reason I'm still getting pedicures is because I can still see my feet.
   
   And apparently it's not bad enough to be so fat and aesthetically challenged because I am also more uncomfortable than ever. I have a perpetual nagging cold. Nothing debilitating, just a constant state of congestion that requires me to breathe through my mouth. On the phone, I sound like a total pervert with all the heavy mouth breathing that I have to do. Thank goodness for Caller ID, otherwise my friends would just hang up on me. And to top it off, I have a gross cold sore or some mysterious herpetic lesion near my tonsil that feels like a tiny piece of food stuck to the back of my throat that I can't clear and it's driving me to distraction.
   
   The baby is dropping or "lightening" as they call it for some ludicrous reason -- there's certainly nothing lighter about my belly. I'm told this is a good thing, but the baby's head has been pressing on some nerves in my pelvic region and periodically I'll have an intense muscle spasm where the socket of my thigh joins my pelvis while I'm walking around, usually in public. All I can do is gasp and try to massage the cramp out. "Try" being the operative word, since it takes all sorts of gymnastics for my short arms to get anywhere near my groin without doubling over. Under any circumstances, I am not too thrilled about grabbing my crotch in public, but I'm even more reluctant to do this at 37 weeks pregnant, since this sight only incites panic and an immediate call to 911 by observers. Instead, I just drag my lame leg behind me towards the nearest bench or whatever. I can just imagine what a sight I must be -- hunched over, hair standing on end, swollen carpal tunnel hands out in front of me, dragging my leg, and breathing heavily. I must look like Dr Frankenstein's creepy lab assistant, Igor. In short, I disgust myself.
   
   None of this discomfort makes it any easier to get a decent night's sleep. I am up every two hours going to the bathroom so I can squeeze out a mere five drops of urine from the invisible vagina and desperately wishing I could install a crane over my bed to lift me out of bed the way they would probably transport Shamu the killer whale out of his tank at Sea World. I know that I really shouldn't complain, and that holding a one-woman pity party is pathetic, since I have so much to be grateful for. Just ask anybody who is on bed rest or suffering from any number of pregnancy complications. I have it better than lots of other women and I'm in the home stretch. Yet according to Minsun's Law of Pregnancy, it could still get worse -- after all, there are three weeks to go before my due date!
   
   Although I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll soon be out of my self-indulgent, semi-misery, I'm not going to hold my labored breath.
   
   http://pregnancyandbaby.com/pregnancy/baby/Week-37--Minsuns-law-489.htm
   
   
   

2. Style Wars Entry: Curtain Dress

   07.Nov.07, 23:09 EST
   
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   This Beautiful fifties inspired outfit was made out of a curtain, table cloth and lamp shade. My very good natured friend Jenn was my partner and model.
   
   Before:
   
   
   
   
   After:
   
   

3. Is 4 a.m. the new midnight?

   11.Sep.07, 11:03 EDT
   
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   The slam poet/tech artist/paper sculptor Rives does eight minutes of lyrical origami, folding history into a series of coincidences surrounding that most surreal of hours, 4 o'clock in the morning.  This presentation from the TED Conference is not only amazingly creative but hysterically funny.
   
   

4. No way!

   05.Sep.07, 17:49 EDT
   
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   Vanilla Ice tried to commit suicide?
   
   http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/7688
   

   Maxene Andrews – survived after attempting suicide via a pill overdose in 1954, distraught over the breakup of the vocal group she’d formed with her siblings, The Andrews Sisters.

   Adam Ant – tried to OD on pills in his early 20s after breaking up with his girlfriend.

   Mary Astor – alcoholism led to a reported suicide attempt in 1951 with sleeping pills; she maintained it was an accident.

   Tai Babilonia – attempted suicide after she became addicted to alcohol and amphetamines following her Olympic skating disappointment in 1980.

   Drew Barrymore – after leaving drug rehab in 1989 at the age of 14, she tried to kill herself, but received treatment and successfully kicked the habit.

   Brigitte Bardot – attempted suicide several times, first as a teenager. At 26, she downed a bottle of sleeping pills and slit her wrists, but recovered. “I took pills because I didn’t want to throw myself off my balcony and know people would photograph me lying dead below.”

   Danny Bonaduce – made headlines by attempting suicide in 2005 during the filming of the reality show Breaking Bonaduce after his wife asked him for a divorce. Neither the attempt (nor the subsequent hospitalization) was shown on-screen.

   Maria Callas – frustrated with her efforts to lure Aristotle Onassis away from then-wife Jackie Kennedy, she reportedly tried to OD on barbiturates in May 1970 (but later denied the attempt).

   Martine Carol – thought that a triple-whammy of alcohol, drugs, and drowning would end her life when this French actress threw herself into the Seine at the age of 26. The cab driver who drove her there ended up saving her life.

   Nell Carter – became addicted to cocaine and attempted suicide during the run of her hit TV show Gimme a Break.

   Johnny Cash – in 1967, the “man in black” withdrew to a cave just north of Chattanooga, Tennessee, hoping to lose his way (and his life). He found his way out.

   Gary Coleman – announced in 1993 that he had tried to commit suicide twice by taking sleeping pills.

   Nadia Comaneci – while she denied it for years, the gymnastics legend was so stressed out (due to several factors, including her parents’ divorce) that she tried to end her life by drinking bleach just two years after her 1976 Olympics success.

   Sammy Davis, Jr. – the biography Me and My Shadow reveals that a distraught Davis, fed up with cracks about his race, religion, and height, tried to kill himself on his wedding night by driving off a cliff.

   Diana, Princess of Wales – told an interviewer that she threw herself down some stairs while pregnant with William, hoping to put an end to her unhappiness.

   Walt Disney – the Leonard Mosley biography Disney’s World reveals a rumored suicide attempt.

   Micky Dolenz – performed a suicide scene in The Monkees’ 1968 film Head, then tried it for real a few years later after the band had broken up by walking into traffic and sitting down in the roadway.

   Patty Duke – bipolar disorder resulted in several attempted suicides during her life.

   Eminem – tried to overdose on Tylenol in 1996 after wife Kim Mathers dumped him. She attempted suicide four years later by slitting her wrists.

   Marianne Faithfull – attempted suicide in Australia 1969, after which she broke up with boyfriend Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones.

   Peter Fonda – in 1950, a few months after his mother committed suicide, the 10-year-old shot himself in the stomach. Claims it was “stupid and accidental,” but some believe it was the youngster’s attempt at taking his own life.

   Clark Gable – hoped to die during a high-speed motorbike rampage shortly after wife Carol Lombard was killed. He then joined the Army and flew missions over Germany during World War II.

   Stan Getz – the celebrated saxophonist became addicted to heroin and tried to kill himself with a drug overdose in 1954 when police confronted him over an ill-fated attempt to rob a Seattle pharmacy. He spent three days in a coma.

   Dwight “Doc” Gooden – in 1994, the troubled former Cy Young Award winner held a 9mm pistol to his head before his wife took it from him.

   Ken Griffey, Jr. – in 1988, just months after signing a lucrative pro baseball contract, the 18-year-old ingested over 200 aspirin to escape insults from fans and arguments with his father. He recovered after time in intensive care.

   Mariette Hartley – attempted suicide (as did her mother) after her father died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound in 1962. Now an advocate for suicide prevention.

   Susan Hayward – the breakup of marriage to Jess Barker, and the related custody battle for her sons, led to a 1966 suicide attempt.

   Houston – the R&B singer was stopped after he tried to throw himself out of a hotel window in 2005, and then gouged out his own eye. Reports vary as to the reason behind this behavior.

   Betty Hutton – her father killed himself after leaving her mother. In 1970, Betty tried to take her own life when her singing voice faltered.

   Michael Jackson – in June 2005, a bogus, trojan-laced email reporting on a suicide attempt by the “king of pop” (just before he was found not guilty) infected computers worldwide. While that report was false, some sources claim Jackson did try to off himself that December.

   Billy Joel – after the failure of his band Attila, attempted suicide in late 1970 by drinking furniture polish. “It looked tastier than bleach,” he later revealed.

   Elton John – tried to kill himself by sticking his head in a gas stove, but writing partner Bernie Taupin found him “lying on a pillow, and he’d opened all the windows.” The two collaborated on the song “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” to tell the story.

   Sally Kirkland – the actress spent her 20s mired in drugs until a suicide attempt literally scared her straight.

   Shelley Long – despite tabloid reports that her 2004 overdose on painkillers was a suicide attempt, the Cheers star claims she simply overmedicated herself in order to cope with the breakup of her marriage to Bruce Tyson.

   Ginger Lynn – at the age of 12, the future porn star ingested a cocktail of medications to escape from her mother’s constant abuse.

   Jeanette MacDonald – tried to overdose on pills after learning of Nelson Eddy’s marriage in 1939; was saved by W.S. Van Dyke (who later killed himself).

   Mindy McCready – the country singer announced in 2005 that she had twice attempted suicide due to problems with boyfriend William McKnight, who had once nearly choked her to death.

   Robert McFarlane – the National Security Advisor tried to end his life in 1987 over his involvement with the Iran-Contra scandal. He took an estimated 30 tablets of Valium.

   Sinéad O’Connor – claims to have been haunted by thoughts of suicide her whole life. Reportedly attempted it in 1993, and then swallowed 20 Valium tablets in a failed 1999 suicide attempt.

   Jennifer O’Neill – first attempted suicide at the age of 14, and then “accidentally” shot herself in the stomach in 1983, but recovered.

   Ozzy Osbourne – not only did he supposedly inspire self-slaughter with the song “Suicide Solution,” but Ozzy admits to having attempted to off himself several times during his life, even as a teenager.

   Marie Osmond – The National Enquirer reported that the singer’s hospitalization in the summer of 2006 was due to an attempted suicide, but she and her publicists wrote it off to a reaction to medication.

   Terrell Owens – the volatile NFL star denied a September 2006 report that he’d tried to kill himself by overdosing on prescription painkillers he had been taking for a broken finger.

   Charlie Parker – the jazz legend known as “The Bird” wanted to end his life in 1954, but failed in two attempts. He was then admitted to the Bellevue clinic, where he received much-needed therapy.

   Barbara Payton – in a love triangle with Franchot Tone and Tom Neal, she ingested several sleeping pills in an attempt on her own life, but was discovered by Tone. (See Jean Wallace entry below.)

   Dennis Price – consumed by alcohol, the tall British actor left the gas on in his oven at his London apartment in 1954. A servant found him and summoned help.

   Richard Pryor – later admitted that the fire that injured him while free-basing cocaine in June 1980 was really a suicide attempt.

   Martha Raye – after breaking up with husband David Rose, she went into a depression and took an overdose of sleeping pills in 1956, but recovered.

   Nina Simone – the singer attempted suicide due to depression and a sense of helplessness after being attacked in London during the mid-1970s.

   Britney Spears – earlier this year, tabloid headlines claimed that the pop diva had experienced a breakdown and tried to kill herself twice, first by walking into traffic, then by ODing on Xanax.

   Tina Turner – in her biography I, Tina, she revealed a failed suicide attempt in 1968.

   Mike Tyson – in September 1988, the then-undisputed heavyweight champion crashed his car into a tree in what the New York Daily News described as a suicide attempt.

   Vanilla Ice – in 1994, less than five years from the peak of his success, the depressed rapper twice tried to kill himself.

   Jean Wallace – the actress hoped to end her life with sleeping pills in 1946 while married to Franchot Tone, then by stabbing herself in 1949 after their divorce.

   Tuesday Weld – began drinking at a young age and attempted suicide at the tender age of 12 by ingesting aspirin, sleeping pills, and a bottle of gin. “I had fallen in love with a homosexual and, when it didn’t work out, I felt hurt.”

   Hank Williams, Jr. – the combination of drugs and alcohol abuse led to a suicide attempt in early 1974.

   Brian Wilson – some sources claim the Beach Boys genius tried to kill himself in the mid-1980s, a low point from which he has since rebounded.

5. The Chief Export of Chuck Norris is Pain

   15.Aug.07, 01:48 EDT
   
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   This and more great Chuck Norris fun here.  And no it isn't Walker, Texas Ranger.

6. Back in the Tundra

   15.Aug.07, 00:45 EDT
   
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   Just because I loved it so much I have to repost the Tundra Rap.  Thank you Wendy for writing in the MOLI View about The Mighty Boosh!
    

7. Have a Slogan's New Home

   15.Aug.07, 00:41 EDT
   
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