With so many distractions like the AIDS epidemic, Alzheimer's, and cancer, I'm glad to see that some scientists are staying on the ball and developing medications that will make my cock bigger. I mean, let's not kid ourselves! The most important question since the dawn of time has always been, "Does size matter?" The debate rages on today.

    Jesus did a lot of praying in the Garden of Gethsemane before he was brutally murdered by Romans disguised as Jews. Some people think he (He?) was praying for salvation. Others (read: me) know the truth. Yes, you read that correctly. 'Me know the truth.' And the truth is that Jesus wants us all to have disproportianately large wangs.

    So why weren't we all born with bulbous ding dongs you ask? Oh, ye of little faith. The truth will come in time. But how long must I wait, you ask, this time with a twinkle of a tear in your eye. With the help of Extenze, only 30 days, I respond as I levitate off the ground and shoot metaphorical beams of hope across the sky.

    Thank God for late night television. The infomercial clip is 7:27 but I assure you it is well worth your time. For those of you who are uninterested in watching, I'll keep a log of what you're missing:



0:08 - These folks go for the jugular right away. "What's kinda interesting is that some studies show that as many as 60% of women today are not fully satisfied by the size of their partner." -- Ho Bag.
    If only there was something we men could do about it! Maybe these experts from "Sex Talk" will have some advice for us.

0:25 - "What women would want to hurt her guy's feelings? Especially about something they think he can't do anything about." -- Ho Bag turning her head and looking discouraged.
    Do everyday perverts like you and me feel the same way about size? Let's go to the streets to find out.

0:37 - "Don't you think it might be kinda fun if I was...larger?" -- Smiley McDrunkerson.     Did you guys see that? It might just be the clip, but did you notice a quick edit between "was" and "larger"? If so, hats off to the director. He's a regular Michael Moore. I'm sure the quote was more like, "Don't you think it might be kinda fun if I was [an astronaut? I could establish a colony on the moon and float around the solar system with my space dog, Scooter, and finally finish that screenplay. You remember that screenplay I was working on, right hun? The one about the guy living in the hotel, going crazy? No, not like the fucking "Shining," it will be much different than "The Shining!" For starters, uh, Jack Nicholson? Remember him? DEAD. That's right, I kill him right away. And the part of the son? There is no son. That's right, he's a ghost. NO, not like "The Sixth Sense!" Jesus, you never support me! Whenever I try to do something new you accuse me of stealing it! (Sigh). You're right, I'm sorry I yelled. I plan on sending Kirstie Alley the script. I think she could read for the black cook. She'll have to lose a little weight though. Don't you think she's gotten] larger?"

0:42 - Ahh!! He's either a vampire or a pedophile.  I don't know whether to stab him with a stake or send him to another parish.

0:47 - "I'd buy it." -- Asian Guy. THERE'S a surprise.
"And I'd buy it for you too." -- Asian Guy's Loud Mouth Woman.
     I don't care how small your man's pecker is, you never agree that it's tiny. She should be thanking her lucky stars she wasn't drowned as a baby.

0:52 - Smiley McDrunkerson has met his match with this chick. This chick sounds like Friar Tuck from the Robin Hood cartoon. Nobody sounds like that sober.

1:14 - "A product called Extenze." Oh, so they were selling something all along...I should have known.

1:19 - "A truly satisfied woman is going to want to make love MUCH more often." -- Ho Bag. That's a good selling point.

1:22 - "Much more often...ha ha, well there's a selling point if ever I've heard one." -- Comb Over Douche Bag. Uh, yeah. We get it. How stupid do you think your audience is? Oh, right.

1:42 - Back to the streets to interview guys who have used Extenze! I hope they had good results, otherwise they'll be SO embarassed asking!

2:00 - The huge black guy took a pill to make his flim flam bigger. Uh, I hate to promote stereotypes or anything, but how big is this guy going for exactly? What kind of vacuous chasm does his girlfriend have between her legs?

2:12 - "How long did it take to work?" -- Ho Bag
"Actually, the very first day I started using it." -- Large Black Man.
    There you have it folks. If it doesn't work instantly, then it won't work. Oh, but it does say "Results May Vary," so maybe it will take a day or two. Better yet, buy a few bottles to make sure you'll reach your full potential (tee hee!). Sorry sorry, full potential sounds a lot like a euphemism for...YOU KNOW. Penises make me giggly!

2:24 - "If he ever stops using it, we're done." -- Large Black Man's Woman. Well then that's not a healthy relationship at all, is it?

2:37 - A Filipino guy. What have you heard about Extenze, Fillipino guy? "I hear about it from a friend, and uh, I'll try it. I'm currently on it." Wait, what? I'll try it, I mean, I'm on it? That's like, "I really want a lollipop, I mean, I ate a lollipop." (Lollipops look like penises, tee hee!!)

2:55 - "How long did it take to get results?" -- Ho Bag with the hard-hitting questions.
"The first result is very dramatical..." -- Filipino Guy. You didn't answer the question, doofus. You do speak English, don't you? Oh, right, you're a bumbling idiot in a stupid suit. And "dramatical" is not a word, I looked it up. Twice. ("looking up" totally sounds like a euphemism for "sex!" Zing!)

3:34 - "How happy [are you with our ding dong juice], you were happy enough to rip the holes out in her jeans?!" -- Ho Bag laughing her ass off with European couple. That's not a joke! I see innuendos everywhere and that comment makes no goddamn sense! Plus, I can't see one hole in her pants, can you? What is she implying? Why does my confusion give me a monstrous erection? ("Erection" sounds like "hard-on", tee hee hee ha!)

4:05 - This is by far my favorite part. If you don't watch anything else, I beg you to watch this.

4:07 - "I ordered a male enhancement product called Extenze." -- Ashamed Douche Bag (different than Comb Over Douche Bag)
"Male enhancement...you mean like building more muscles?" -- Too Stupid to Pick Up on Subtlty Wife of Ashamed Douche Bag
"No! You know, male enhancement." -- Ashamed (though now much more cheeky) Douche Bag
   
No!! What a ridiculous notion! Why would I want more muscles? Muscles are for losers! Unless you mean his "love muscle!" Ooo!

"Oh, really? Does that really work?" -- A Now Clued In T.S.P.U.S.W.A.D.B. Tell her, Ashamed Douche Bag!

4:18 - Bah! Who the fuck are you? Why are you looking at me?? Something about a 30-day guarantee and jazzercise music...

4:27 - Back to sitcom land.
"Wow! Just how much 'enhancing' does Extenze do?" -- A.N.C.I.T.S.P.U.S.W.A.D.B.         Couldn't these terrible actors tell us about the guarantee without that witch interrupting and staring into my soul? At this point, I was kinda hoping A.D.B. would cock slap her and be like, "Stop asking stupid questions, you dumb cow," but we still have to rely on insinuations and innuendo to get the big picture. 4:30 minutes into this commercial and no one has said "penis." I hope everyone understands what this product is so they don't have a comical misunderstanding like his retarded wife.

4:34 - Back to "Sex Talk." Are we going to discuss what we've learned? No, we're going to talk to a bunch of whores and ask them if size matters. Didn't we cover this? It clearly does in Extenze world. What can these walking VD's bring to the table at this point?

4:56 - He said "sex!" Everyone giggle, it's funny!!

5:00 - Ooo, she said it again! Tee hoo ha!

5:09 - Sex is important to the whore on the right now that she has someone to stick around "for the long haul." Is that marriage....or another sex innuendo!! Get it? "Long?" "Haul?" When will it end?

5:16 - "Sex is a, shall I say, LARGE PART of the relationship?" -- Whorish Blonde on the Left. I'm still laughing over "LONG HAUL" and now they go and say  "LARGE PART"? These bitches are comedic geniuses!

5:17 - Okay, I get it, Ho Bag. You didn't have to put "large part" in air quotes.

6:00 - These women were asked about their first time (with sex!!) and they all agree that they were pretty disappointed. I don't think anyone has fun their first time, so I don't understand how that's relevant. They'd probably prefer a small dick for the first time because it hurts so damn much. Unless you're Loosey Liu in the middle there, in which case you lost your virginity to a totem pole.

6:08 - "...so here's the big, pardon the pun, question..." -- Unfunny Ho Bag.

6:10 - Size matters to whores. I think I felt the earth stop turning.

6:45 - "Did you have guys who didn't measure up, per se?" -- take a fucking guess. I wonder what this chick would be like in bed (after a nose job, because gross).

7:00 - Ho Bag turns to the camera and asks us to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I knew it!!